Melania Trump’s New Book “Humiliates” Her Husband

Melania Trump has a new book coming out titled Beyond First Lady, and early reviewers are expressing shock at how negatively she writes about her husband, President Donald Trump.

The following are exclusive excerpts from the book:

• Donald’s morning hair and makeup routine takes twice as long as hers.
• Donald asked her to call him “John Barron” on their early dates.
• Donald has a TV in every room of his penthouse suites so he can watch and listen to what Fox News is saying about him wherever he goes.
• Whenever he hears his name said on TV, he yells at everyone to shut up so he can hear what they say about him.
• Donald keeps the TV on while sleeping, and snaps awake every time his name is mentioned as he mumble-yells, “What are they saying about me?”
• When Donald farts he bends his head down to his knees, takes a big whiff, and yells, “Take that, climate change!”
• Melania has lunch with Stormy Daniels once a month where they laugh at Donald.
• Donald has a tattoo of his own signature on his mons pubis.
• The first time Melania met Donald’s son Eric, Donald whispered in her ear, “I’m not really the father of that one.”
• Throughout Donald’s presidency, Melania threatened to humiliate him with a divorce several times to win all kinds of concessions from him. She procured Barron more money in Donald’s will than either Eric or Don Jr. will get, and she will receive Trump Tower in New York.
• She won’t vote for Donald in 2024 because if he gets reelected she’ll have to decorate the White House for Christmas four more times.
• Every time Melania and Barron are in the room with Donald, they pantomime little improvisational scenes when his back is turned where they act out stabbing him, choking him to death, or shooting him and burst out laughing.
• Donald has “saucer nipples.”
• Donald kept a dog kennel in the Oval Office, and when he was angry he’d force Ted Cruz, Lindsey Graham, Kevin McCarthy, Mark Meadows, or someone else nearby to get inside so he could scream at them, hit the sides of the kennel with a baseball bat, spit on them, and pour Diet Coke cans all over them.
• When Donald sees a spider he screams and yells for Melania or Barron to come kill it.
• Candles cannot be lit in any of his bathrooms because of how many years’ worth of hair spray is coated on every surface.
• Donald didn’t think he’d actually win the 2016 election, and he smelled particularly bad that night because a few times on election night, when he remembered he’d actually have to do the job for four years, some pee dribbled out.
• While Donald was president, Melania would occasionally buy cockroaches and let them loose in Ivanka’s White House office, and mail boxes of them to Ivanka’s house.
• Donald’s hair is implanted and 3-feet long, and is only attached in the back. The hair is wrapped around his head like a turban and then saturated with a full can of hairspray.
• Ivanka has turned down several requests from Donald that she tattoo his signature somewhere on her body.
• Donald has several locked, fire-proof safes in all of his properties filled with spare copies of the blackmail he has accumulated on his friends, enemies, members of Congress, and a long list of state and federal prosecutors.
• Eric, to this day, continues to call her “Malaria.” 🥃