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A book written when I was 10 years old has been nagging at my thoughts and I've just realized why.

The book is On Death and Dying by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, and a book that talked about death was so novel that Time magazine named her as one of the '100 Most Important Thinkers' of the 20th century.

So why is that book on my mind now? (As far as I know I am in pretty good health for a 60+ rounder woman that stays up playing word games on her phone while she should be sleeping. I digress.)

The principles of On Death and Dying can be applied any loss, not just impending loss of life. You may find the five 'stages' of dealing with loss and grief useful, too, as you navigate job loss, relationships dissolving, social and economic safeguards disappearing, or simply coming to terms with your own mortality.

The 5 Stages of Grief

Unlike a shotgun flat, these stages aren't always traversed in an orderly manner. It can be a messy, backtracking, jumping ahead, feeling all at once journey. The stages are

• denial
• anger
• bargaining
• depression
• acceptance

Denial isn't, as they say, just a river in Egypt. (It's true, I have heard that said. Hear it them picture it d' Nile and understand it's a Dad joke from before they were called dad jokes.)

Denial is head-in-the-sand fantasy time. It's hoping you are wrong, hoping something hasn't happened, hoping 'they' will change their mind. It's the deer-in-the-headlight moment, the breathing though all the air has left your lungs.

In my childhood home it meant a hot bath, a Schwan's chicken patty, and early bedtime for my dad; the ritual for almost-every evil. Denial is often stunned numbness of immobility, but it can also be a cheerful 'nothing to see here' manic activity, a flurry of motion so the bad news can't find you.

Anger is an emotional wrestling with the situation. Even if you haven't yet come to grips with the reality or depth of the situation, this unsettling of your emotions is YOU talking to YOU about something that is just NOT RIGHT.

It can be the irritating itch of yelling at slow traffic, the drive to CALL THE PHONE COMPANY about these RATES, the thrum of your mind going into overdrive when you try to sleep, or anger towards yourself just for being angry.

Anger is a poke towards the injustice of the situation, the lack of fairness. The 'I didn't vote for this so why is my job gone?' of it all.

Bargaining is the attempt to gain control or influence a change in things. It's Abraham chatting with the angel of the Lord in the hopes that Sodom and/or Gomorrah will be spared if there are ten good people to be found. It's prayer in a foxhole, promises to donate money to charity, intent to be the VERY BEST parent ever.

It's the 'I'll do anything if...' stage of reaching out to whoever wherever should things go back to 'normal'. It's a bargain you are willing to make, and for a while it can give you hope however unlikely it may be that your conditions be honored.

Depression is the mental and physical sinkhole into which you slide as you understand the situation is an inevitable ending or loss, a change that no matter how much you yearn for it to not be true, it's here.

This depression is sadness, despair, confusion, lack of warmth, inconsolable, exhausting, no spoons, no motivation, sapping of spirit and joy. You slog through it if you can move at all.

It's the crying-at-red-lights, no longer making the bed, stop-taking-your-medicine, not answering texts, 'what's the use of it all anyways?' of times.

Acceptance, though? Acceptance can be an elusive dance partner as you wend through life. You might reach it several times only to be overcome again by one of the other 'stages', like waves that just don't want to let you reach the shore.

Acceptance ISN'T agreement, though. That's crucial. It isn't you saying 'this is fine, it's good, it's what I must have really always wanted...' No.

Acceptance is seeing clearly, no matter how briefly- that the THING has happened. It's here. It's seeing clearly now the rain has gone. You can see all of the obstacles, hinderances, problems, losses, injustices. You see and name them... and then get moving.

Moving? Yes! Acceptance does not NEED to be passive. Best case it is the start of action. Purpose. Finding the 'Now what?' of the situation and your place in it. It's both present vision and future purpose.

What will YOU do now? Are you ready to share your decision with others? Are you equipped to carry out your plans? Do you need assistance? Are there things to be discarded? All of these questions and their answers can and should be among your thoughts during acceptance.

Grief

Grief doesn't have to be the end. It can be part of the healing for you, your community, your country, the world. Take a moment and check where you are, probe a bit at the tender places. Let this be part of your healing.

You are not crazy. You are not wrong. You have a 100% success rate of living through it so far, and I know you can live through this. Walk as many people home with you as you can.

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Find out more and get a copy of On Death and Dying at your local bookstore or library, or online at bookshop.org.

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