Book Review: Attached The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find — and Keep Love by Amir Levine, M.D. with Rachel S.F. Attachment theory, which was first formulated by the psychologists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth in the mid-20th century would suggest that these early relationships with caregivers play a central role in shaping behavior as an adult within intimate relationships. This theory is then applied to the adult romantic relationships by Levine and Heller, providing a way for you to understand your attachment type —and that of your partner– so as to improve in building up security among each other.

Moreover, the book is broken down into eight chapters that focus on specific crucial aspects of attachment theory.

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Chapter 1: Decoding Relationship Behavior

The first chapter introduces the reader to the basic principles of attachment theory, explaining that the way people behave in relationships is often rooted in their attachment style. The authors identify three primary attachment styles: Secure, Anxious, and Avoidant.

Secure individuals are comfortable with intimacy and are generally warm and loving.

Anxious individuals crave closeness and are often preoccupied with their relationships, worrying about their partner’s ability to love them back.

Avoidant individuals value their independence and often maintain emotional distance in relationships.

The chapter emphasizes that these patterns are not random but deeply ingrained and often stem from early childhood experiences with caregivers. Levine and Heller argue that understanding your own attachment style and that of your partner is the first step towards improving your relationships.

Chapter 2: Dependency Is Not a Bad Word

In this chapter, the authors challenge the common cultural belief that independence is the key to a successful relationship. Instead, they argue that healthy dependency—where partners can rely on each other for emotional support—is crucial for a thriving relationship. Drawing on scientific studies, the authors show that having a secure base in a partner can provide the emotional resources needed to explore the world and achieve personal goals.

The chapter also explains that secure individuals tend to have the best relationships because they are comfortable with both giving and receiving support. In contrast, anxious and avoidant individuals struggle with this balance, leading to conflicts and misunderstandings.

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Chapter 3: The Three Attachment Styles in Everyday Life

Here, Levine and Heller provide detailed descriptions of how each attachment style manifests in daily life and relationships. They offer real-life examples and anecdotes to illustrate the typical behaviors, thought patterns, and emotional responses associated with each style.

Secure individuals tend to communicate effectively, resolve conflicts calmly, and are generally satisfied in their relationships.

Anxious individuals often experience emotional highs and lows, are preoccupied with their partner’s actions, and may appear needy or clingy.

Avoidant individuals might struggle with intimacy, are uncomfortable with closeness, and may send mixed signals that confuse their partners.

The authors also introduce the idea of attachment dynamics, explaining how the interaction between different attachment styles can affect the relationship. For example, the pairing of an anxious individual with an avoidant partner often leads to a challenging dynamic where one partner seeks closeness while the other withdraws.

Chapter 4: The Secure Way - Learning to Cope with Conflicts

In this chapter, the focus is on the secure attachment style, which the authors describe as the ideal that people should strive for in their relationships. Levine and Heller explain that secure individuals are not only comfortable with intimacy but also excel at managing conflicts constructively. They are less likely to engage in destructive behaviors like stonewalling or criticism and more likely to seek solutions that satisfy both partners.

The authors offer practical advice for how those with anxious or avoidant attachment styles can adopt more secure behaviors. This includes tips on effective communication, such as expressing needs openly without being accusatory, and techniques for self-soothing during stressful moments.

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Chapter 5: Keeping Love at Arm’s Length - The Avoidant Attachment Style

This chapter delves deeper into the avoidant attachment style, exploring the origins of avoidant behavior and its impact on relationships. Levine and Heller describe how avoidant individuals often struggle with intimacy, fearing that closeness will lead to a loss of independence or control.

The authors explain that avoidant individuals may unconsciously sabotage their relationships by pushing their partners away or avoiding emotional conversations. They also discuss the phenomenon of deactivating strategies, which are behaviors that avoidant individuals use to maintain distance in a relationship, such as focusing on a partner’s flaws or daydreaming about being single.

For those in a relationship with an avoidant partner, the authors offer strategies for fostering greater intimacy without triggering the avoidant partner’s fears.

Chapter 6: The Anxious Attachment Style - When You’re "Too" Sensitive

In this chapter, Levine and Heller focus on the anxious attachment style, which is characterized by a deep fear of abandonment and an intense desire for closeness. Anxious individuals often struggle with self-esteem issues and may become overly dependent on their partners for validation.

The authors explain how anxious individuals can become caught in a cycle of seeking reassurance from their partner, only to become more anxious if their needs are not met. This can lead to behaviors like excessive texting, jealousy, or constant worry about the relationship’s status.

To help anxious individuals, Levine and Heller provide techniques for managing anxiety, such as mindfulness practices, and emphasize the importance of finding a secure partner who can provide the necessary reassurance.

Chapter 7: When Attachment Styles Clash

This chapter examines the challenges that arise when individuals with different attachment styles enter into a relationship. The authors explore common scenarios, such as the anxious-avoidant pairing, which is one of the most difficult combinations.

Levine and Heller explain that these relationships often become a cycle of pursuer and distancer, where the anxious partner seeks more closeness while the avoidant partner pulls away. This dynamic can lead to a great deal of frustration and hurt on both sides.

The chapter provides strategies for breaking this cycle, such as recognizing the patterns, understanding the partner’s attachment needs, and working together to create a more balanced relationship. The authors emphasize that while attachment styles are deeply ingrained, they are not immutable, and with effort, individuals can move towards more secure behaviors.

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Chapter 8: Finding a Secure Base

The final chapter of the book is a guide to finding and maintaining a secure relationship. Levine and Heller offer advice on how to recognize potential partners who are likely to provide a secure base, as well as how to nurture and protect a secure relationship once it’s established.

The authors stress the importance of self-awareness and understanding one’s own attachment style as the first step in choosing the right partner. They also provide tips on how to communicate needs and expectations in a relationship, how to handle conflicts, and how to support a partner in their own attachment journey.

Levine and Heller conclude with the hopeful message that while attachment styles can present challenges, understanding and working with these patterns can lead to more fulfilling and lasting relationships.

Conclusion

"Attached" is an insightful and practical guide for anyone looking to improve their romantic relationships through the lens of attachment theory. By understanding the three main attachment styles—Secure, Anxious, and Avoidant—and how they influence relationship dynamics, readers can gain valuable tools for fostering healthier, more secure connections. Whether you’re single, in a relationship, or navigating the challenges of dating, "Attached" offers actionable advice that can help you build a stronger, more loving bond with your partner.

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