being twenty-something

Before reading, please read the story linked below since it explains how I came across Dan Whitlam and his debut poetry collection.

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I have read quite a few poetry collections and been affected by all of them in one or another. I don't see how you can avoid feeling something. Isn't that what poetry, writing, is supposed to do? Make you feel, well, at the very least, empathy, the putting-yourself-in-their-shoes kind?

But this one, this one, was written for the people in their twenties just trying to figure out the first decade of adulthood, like what to do with that new-found freedom tossed into our laps. The image of a bomb keeps popping up in my head; it's terrifying until time runs out.

For a lot of people, twenty-something is when you're given your first real taste of freedom - a chance to reinvent yourself and discover who you want to be, all while being bombarded with those dreaded questions:

"What do you want to do?"

"Are you happy?"

"Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?"

"Have you been promoted yet?"

As a somewhat new 27 year old, I get it. One of my least favorite questions is a variation of number three, usually when the metaphorical wedding bells are playing for someone else: "When will it be your turn?" You hear it enough time, you start circling through some creative answers.

That's just scratching the surface. Throughout four chapters, Dan Whitlam talks dealing with the panic years (Running Out of Time), romantic and self-love (You and I), loss (Grief Like the Sky Covered Everything), and starting anew (Look At You Healing), all during your twenties.

Before I get talking about each chapter, Whitlam mentions that [his] poetry is by no means anywhere close to perfect, but he believes that it still has power.

He's right, not just in the case of his own words, but of words and poetry in general. I think some of the most heartfelt pieces have come from a place where we aren't able to voice or write it so eloquently, much less perfectly. Emotion isn't perfect, therefore, why should the pieces that come a place of deep, stuttering emotion be any different?

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The Book

As a reminder, this is NOT available as a Kindle purchase. If the link below does not work (it's been a bit troublesome), just type in "I don't want to settle" in Amazon's search bar. I've looked it up several times, and it has always been the first result.

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The Chapters

(What I love and how I related to them)

Unlike other collections I've read, none of these poems or stories have titles and are broken up by blank space and beautiful line drawings by illustrator Natti Shiner. I think it's rather representative of what a person's twenties, or at least what mine has felt like. Not every moment or feeling has to be titled, and sometimes, it may seem like it one after the other without a chance to take in the scenery or breathe.

Or perhaps I'm reading too much into formatting choices.

Each chapter has at least one anecdote that helps bring home a point relevant to the chapter, while giving more insight to who Dan Whitlam is as a writer and person.

On a personal note, and this is one snippet from the audiobook's extra content (I'll talk more about this later), is that while Dan draws from his personal life, he also write about things he hasn't personally experienced. It's a great reminder for me as a writer that a lack of experience shouldn't dictate what you write about; it's a different perspective from someone looking from the outside looking in.

Running Out Of Time

I don't care who you are, you can't escape that feeling like your time is running out or you are falling behind. And there isn't a time when those and similar feelings isn't more prevalent than during your twenties.

Before we even graduate, we're drilled with this idea of what the next decade or so is supposed to look like, and if you don't measure up with everyone else, you are behind. On top of that, we have to grasp the fact that life isn't going to being anything like our childhoods. Some things fade away, while others morph into something nervously unfamiliar.

Enjoy the butterflies

for one day they'll give you their wings

and

leave.

Dan's words remind me that being nervous, having butterflies, isn't bad, but instead, shows that I care. I rather care than be numb, and trust me, being numb is scarier than some nerves. So I make a point of doing (some) things scared, diving in rather than dipping my toe (again within reason).

Thoughts While I Was Reading: What is this obsession with the thought that an adult child still living in their parents' house equals a lack of maturity? Why must we feel like we have to thrust ourselves into barely making it by to prove that we are adults? Do you know what I've been able to do because I'm still at home - build my savings, travel, learn who I am as a person. That's not to say someone can't do that while you are single and renting a small apartment, but I do know, if I had listen to certain people years ago, I would have turned out into a very different person.

And I would not have liked her, much less loved her at all.

You and I

I love (pun intended) that Dan focuses just not on romantic, but also self-love, something that has been a struggle for me for years.

I want the type of self-love,

where you can look in the mirror and say:

I want to grow old with you.

This poem took me back to the first time I watched Demi Lovato's Tell Me You Love Me music video.

I had heard the song before, and it always seemed like Demi was asking her partner to love her, even during the hard times, and in part, that is what the song's about. But paired with the music video, it's also about understanding that the message applies to loving ourselves. Pay attention when you get near the end, specifically after 6:15. You can see Demi pointing to herself in the mirror like she giving herself a pep talk; it's fine he left because I still love me.

At the end of this section, Dan makes a very good point: before jumping into a relationship, it is best that we love and understand who we are. That way you are (hopefully) bringing your best self into what could be a beautiful life long love.

Now when it comes to romantic love, Dan's grandparents' not so meet-cute perfectly demonstrated that romance can be anything but traditional and a fairy tale, and still can be as real. In fact, some of the best love stories come from unconventional places, and frankly, even an enjoyer of some cliches

Grief Like the Sky Covered Everything

Grief was always one of those things I don't think I completely understood until I got a little older. No matter how much it hurts or how long it sticks around, it is necessary. It's the time period after loss or change where you have to allow yourself to mourn before adapting, and something like that takes time.

'You won't be coming back.'

It took me just seconds to say those five words

but

years to fully hear them

I've actually been reading this section a lot recently over the past couple days since having to deal with a very recent loss, and while Dan doesn't specifically talk about having to put your pet down, he does address that there are different kinds of grief. That reminder helps with that awful voice in my head that mocks me for crying over an animal.

And honestly, in part, it helped me feel a little less alone. We're all grieving something, either something from years ago or from a second ago.

Look At You Healing

As kids, I think we all learned very quickly that pain was a part of life. A scrapped knee, goose eggs on the noggin, sometimes a broken bone - that type always made sense to me. It was the brain's way of telling you that you are hurt. For me, though, it was harder to accept emotional or mental pain, and how much we needed that kind too.

She said in the chapters of life

pain will always hold a page.

...

So

love all of you

including the sad parts of your mind.

While I love the whole book, this part hit much closer to home, because I've been there, slowly healing myself. I've had to learn to sit with the pain for a little and that smiling to hide it doesn't really fool anyone except yourself.

And also as important, it takes time.

"Comparison is the thief of joy."

Dan mentioned that at the beginning, and it is rather poignant for him to mention it again so close to the end of the book. Just like our lives are going to be different from others, so will our healing. Even comparing yourself with, well, yourself, can toss you in a dark hole.

***

The Audiobook

I absolutely despise audiobooks.

Actually, that's a bit harsh, but I don't like them and honestly, I couldn't really tell you what annoys me so much about them. Maybe I just had a bad first experience, because if this had been my first one, I would have a very different first opinion.

For the regular or occasional audiobook listener, it's available on Spotify with some extra content, including an exclusive short story and a Q&A with writer, actor, and friend Eddie Loodmer-Elliott. It's free for premium members and is presently $5.49 for free members.

Dan knew what he was doing with that extra content, because I got hit with a wave of FOMO (fear of missing out). I'll admit, though, there were moments I kept thinking the reward wasn't going to be enough to keep me going. And so as not to scare the rest of you away, it has nothing to do with the audiobook. If I wasn't clear before, my view of audiobooks was tainted by a poor first impression, but I was determined to judge this one its own.

Besides the extra content motivating me, it helped that I was familiar with Dan's reading voice (thanks to his TikTok videos), which I have always found very pleasing. His use of modulation, those subtle variations in his tone and reading speed, are just...chef's kiss. And I feel in this case, hearing the poet reading his poetry and stories as he intended them to be read, it adds another layer to what is already powerful words.

***

At the beginning of this, I said that this was written for people in their twenties, and I stand by that.

But I've should also said that it is a good read for everyone else as well, except, you know, kids. I think if you are graduating high school, this gives you a glimpse into what your next decade is like. For those older, it can help remind you of what you may have been feeling when you were in your twenties.

Thank you for reading!