Yes, I've Got an Attitude by Sweet Yankeebelle

This last week, I found a new song that I am loving listening to and the title is actually what drew my attention to the song first. You see, I have been accused of "having an attitude" like that is a terrible thing.

I have gotten told that line for a number of reasons, but a few are:

• I wouldn't agree that our children would not be harmed with too many transitions over the holidays.
• I wouldn't allow our children to be around alcohol - or to be given alcohol - when I could say something about it.
• I wouldn't force our children to have a schedule that doesn't work for their needs.
• I wouldn't back down from asking for equity in regards to our agreed upon natural remedies being jointly paid for.
• I wouldn't let small children be victims of an adult's anger issues.
• I asked for accountability.
• I asked for respect of my neurodivergency - and for respect for our children's neurodivergency.
• I asked for needs to be met.
• I stood my ground.

The song starts off, "Darn right. I got an attitude." Yeah, I guess I do...

Then it goes, "I don't hide it. I don't apologize for it." Well... I kinda have a bad habit of trying to hide it and apologize for daring to take up space...

Then it follows up with "it doesn't show up uninvited. It gets activated by behavior." Ok, well I do know that these lines apply to me. My attitude always gets activated by others' behaviors.

The song continues, "I made people halfway until they stop walking. I listen carefully until respect stops talking. I'm patient and not passive." I am very patient - until I have had enough. I will give respect - far past the point where I have been disrespected. I listen. I compromise. But, I am not going to passively sit back and allow others' to destroy my life.

Now the song is getting good! "Darn right. I've got an attitude that comes out when it needs to." I'm not sure that I could have said it better myself...

"When I encounter people who only look out for themselves, I don't start problems. I finish patterns." I have to admit that I love this part of the song because with my autism? I have great pattern recognition skills! People who like to start problems do not seem to like my pattern recognition skills, but maybe that is a them problem?

"I'm not rude. I'm responsive." Oh - how I like this line. I respond to those around me. If they deem me as rude, perhaps they were the ones being rude?

"There's a difference between confidence and being uncomfortable around it." Yes! I am regaining my confidence - slowly - and as my confidence builds, certain people are seeming to become more uncomfortable. Loss of control over my body and my space really does negatively impact those who weaponized their control...

"Learn that I give chances, not a limited access. I give grace, not blind loyalty. If you treat people like tools, don't expect my kindness." I have learned to give chances. Not everyone deserves access to me. I also have vowed to never again give anyone blind loyalty - that one is an interesting one to deal with in regards to having a supportive and healthy relationship! And yes, if I see you using people to get what you want? Well I will just say this: I am not kind to bullies.

"Darn right. I got an attitude. It shows up with boundaries. I don't raise my voice. I raise my standards." Ohhh... I started limiting the access other's got to me and boy, oh boy, did I get pushback! I am continuing to raise my standards and I don't need to yell to be loud. Silence is the loudest thing that some people will ever comprehend.

"If you don't care about anyone else, I'm not here to carry that. I notice how people move when nothing benefits them. I notice who disappears when accountability shows up. That tells me everything I need to know." Again, pattern recognition is amazing. Why do other people seem to throw such a fit about accountability? If they didn't like looking a certain way, why would they choose to behave that way?

"Selfishness isn't strength. It's just loud insecurity. You call it honesty. When it's really convenience, I call it out and keep moving." I've noticed that other people's opinions get touted as facts and in reality, it is simply more convenient for them to live in delusional worlds than to be factually honest. The selfishness that my authenticity stands in such stark contrast to simply shows their insecurity, but that isn't my problem to fix. Your selfishness? Your problem. Your delusions? Your problem. Hard facts as data points? Me being an inconvenience...???

"Darn right. I got an attitude and I earned every bit of it. It's filled from lessons, not bitterness." I have earned every bit of the so-called attitude that is my long missing-in-action self-respect.

"I protect my peace on purpose." This is something that I am learning to do, but it is hard when professionals are not exactly supportive.

"I don't chase fairness from people who lack empathy." This is something that I am learning to do. Don't chase fairness - accept that they will never care about their impact - and instead, focus on accountability.

"I don't explain myself to those committed to misunderstanding." This is something else that I am practicing since no is a full sentence that doesn't require much intelligence to understand.

"That's growth, not distance." I am growing... maybe not at the pace I would like to be growing, but I am growing. The distance? That is what happens when one seeding turns into a tree and the other seedling refuses to be more than a weed.

"Some people mistake kindness for something they can test. I let them learn at their own pace. that respect isn't optional with me." I give respect up front. It is up to you if it stays or if you scare it away... *wink*

"And darn right, I got an attitude that is well managed." My attitude is well managed.

"It's calm. It's intentional." My calm and intentional approach terrifies those who say that I have an attitude. It is why they keep trying to destabilize me. Afterall, intentionality is pretty intense to those who avoid accountability at all costs...

"If you were selfish, don't be surprised when I move different. I don't match chaos. I set limits. I don't argue. I just access. If that bothers you, that's information." Part of me still wants to match chaos, but I am trying to remember that moving with steadiness is the only way to achieve my own peace. Those who intentionally use pieces of my heart to get a chaotic reaction? Those are who are terrified of losing control over me - and that is information for me to hold onto.

"Darn right. I got an attitude. It's calm. It's clear. And it only shows up when respect doesn't." I love this ending. My attitude is most deadly when it shows up with calm, clear, cold facts. If you don't like that side of me, perhaps be respectful?