When Talent is Non-Existent
Written Out of Spite for Sam Spinelli's unofficial challenge, 'Do Your Worst'
When I saw Sam Spinelli's challenge, asking us to name and shame our five least favourite songs, I got very excited. I can be a grumpy, judgemental, opinionated ass at the best of times (ask Ruth, the good lady wife!), but when it comes to music, I've learned to try and keep schtum when I think something is terrible. All because I'm just trying to be a better person (My Name is Earl opening ref, anyone?).
This challenge, though, gives me carte blanche to let the vitriol flow. And so it shall.
Music is one of my main companions in life. Thanks to my late father, Shug, I have fairly eclectic and broad tastes. Springsteen, Pearl Jam, Black Sabbath, REM are mainstays, but I’ve yet to find a genre I don’t like something in.
So, it takes a lot for something to truly trigger me. Still, these manage it. Just to be sure, I went to the trouble (and it was trouble) of trying to listen to each of them again. And yes, I still hate them.
John Lennon – Imagine
Where do I even begin? It’s still hailed as one of the greatest songs ever. (Rolling Stone’s 2024 Top 500 list has it at #19.)
It’s really not. There are hundreds of songs by The Beatles that beat it to death with a rubber duck. Even Lennon’s Happy Xmas (War Is Over) has similar sentiments but feels more sincere.
The lyrics are saccharine and senseless. As if someone went to a philosophy course and decided “Oh, no god” is the solution to everything. Wtf. Yoko said John just believed in the sentiment. I don’t. Not that I’m against harmony. But it’s kindergarten thinking to assume all our problems vanish if we just forget what makes us different.
I won’t be listening anytime soon. And the fact that A Day in the Life—one of my favourites—is outside the Top 20 while Imagine sits high makes me even more annoyed.
Smash Mouth – All Star
I just can’t get behind Smash Mouth. Sorry, Smash Mouth fans, but not really.
Yes, it’s the Shrek song. The Mystery Men song. It’s still annoying AF. The second I hear Steve Hartwell’s obnoxious voice, I tell Alexa to stop stop stop. The lyrics are stupid, and not even fun stupid. It’s the worst kind of earworm, and I’d rather listen to sandpaper scratching my genitals.
Stevie Wonder – I Just Called to Say I Love You
This one might rattle cages. Sorry, Maestro, but Stevie—this is a bad song. Namby-pamby and saccharine in the least interesting way.
I love Stevie Wonder. Superstition and Sir Duke are two of my favourite songs ever. Songs in the Key of Life is untouchable.
But I Just Called to Say I Love You? From the title to the boring lyrics and arrangement, I find it abhorrent. If you want romance, Isn’t She Lovely, You Are The Sunshine of My Life (Thanks to Michelle Liew for reminding me of it), or the banging, Signed, Sealed, Delivered, (I'm Yours) are far better. If Stevie ever calls me, I’ll gladly tell him: “I love you, Stevie, but not that song.”
Disturbed – The Sound of Silence
If my dislike for Smash Mouth could be overshadowed by anyone, it’d be Disturbed—or as I, pettily, call them Disturded. I’m childish, but admit it: you laughed or rolled your eyes.
David Draiman and co. were at a disadvantage with this cover before it even started. I already hated their music. Then they decided to “reimagine” one of my favourite songs of all time with brooding balladry. Cool concept, not. This is not a patch on the Simon & Garfunkel classic.
So, they had me annoyed before the opening bars. Lots of people love this version. I’m not like lots of people. This is my list. (FMJ / Rifleman’s Creed ref, anyone?)
No, thank you, next. You ruined one of the best Simon & Garfunkel songs, baldie!
Limp Bizkit – Behind Blue Eyes
Just when it was safe to open my very brown eyes (wish they were blue, but hey ho), Fred Durst and the lads show up.
Like Disturbed, the very concept irritates me. “Metal ballad thing.” No.
Why it turns my heart black:
- Fred Durst will never match Roger Daltrey vocally. Hell, he’s not even as good a rapper as Roger Daltrey.
- The production is too slick for such a vulnerable song.
- Third, if all that wasn’t bad enough, they made one final, fatal flaw with this cover that, in my mind, deserves a “BRUTALITY” call — yes, like Mortal Kombat. Instead of the original bridge’s full-on blues rock punch, we get a weird trippy “L.I.M.P., Discover” nonsense.
Freddy, stick to the nookie and rolling rolling rolling. ShipDit.
Bonus Track: Limp Bizkit – Faith
As there are no songs I like by Smash Mouth or Disturbed, but plenty by Lennon and Stevie, I’ll give Durst his due here.
Their cover of George Michael’s Faith is ridiculous, numbskull nu-metal fun. Unnecessary “Get the F@@K up” and scratching, but it works. It’s dumb, it’s twisted, and I even enjoy that Durst is audibly smiling in verse two.
In Conclusion
There you have it — the songs that make me want to fling my computer, smash Alexa, and howl until my heart bleeds black tar.
You get the picture: I’m not a fan.
I’m off to listen to The Boss and forget all about these five travesties.
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Thanks for reading!
This is for Sam Spinelli's Challenge:
Unofficial challenge: Do Your Worst! (unbearable music recs)
Check it out. Embedded links aren't working, so just click the above hyperlink! Old school!
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Paul Stewart
Award-Winning Writer, Poet, Scottish-Italian, Subversive.
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'20/20'
"Do It Again" the track that would ultimately open the Beach Boys final album on Capitol Records which was released on February 10th 1969 had originally been released as a single in August of 1968. The track was the first of many post-Pet Sounds era throwbacks to the early Beach Boys sound which would become continually more cliched and eventually lead the Beach Boys to the level of self-parody they would eventually succumb to in the 1980s while their closest contemporaries The Beatles nearing the end of their run in 1969 would go on to be viewed as the most influential band of all time. However, the song itself is not bad on its surface, and it opens with a futuristic sounding (for 1969) drumbeat captured by then-Beach Boys engineer Stephen Desper using tape delays on the drums performed by Dennis Wilson and John Guerin. The song has been re-recorded numerous times over the years on various Beach Boys-related projects most notably the 2011 re-recording at Capitol studios featuring the five surviving Beach Boys at the time backed instrumentally by various members of both the Brian Wilson Band and Mike Loves touring "Beach Boys" to promote the then upcoming Beach Boys 50th Anniversary reunion tour in 2012. The hammering and power drill sound at the end of the song was an excerpt from a track called "Workshop" that was to be a part of the uncompleted "SMiLE" album.
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Comments (14)
Now this is interesting, because I have very similar views on "Imagine" as I do on "Hallelujah." Do we need to do an essay conversation on these songs, Paul? (jk, jk). I completely agree with your sentiments on it. It sucks though, because the chorus is so pretty! If only the lyrics weren't what they are... I forget that Stevie Wonder songs exists. Def not one of his best. It's too boring in the verses, and I wish the chorus was longer. Like it seems to want to dip down rather than build up, especially at the beginning. It drags. Agreed on Smash Mouth. My husband LOVES them, especially "Astro Lounge" and he feels like "All Star" is their worst song. I really like "Walking on the Sun" but I'm a noob when it comes to them. I really should put them on at work on Monday to get more familiar with their albums... I loved Disturded's version when I was younger. The build to one note in particular was so great. Now, though, I skip it. Simon & Garfunkel will always reign supreme. They are my spirit animals. I really don't think I like Limp Bizkit anything, tbh, lol. (Don't hate me, but I don't like George Michael's sound either...) To each their own! Great list, Paul. What a fun read!
Is there such a thing as a good man wife? lol Sorry, I didn't know it was an expression, I couldn't resist... I love 'My name is Earl'. Argh, my dad loves Behind blue eyes, because he can understand the lyrics and we had to listen to it on repeat in the car when he was learning English. I hate it so much.
This is a rollicking little romp through your worst! I Lolled @ “I tell Alexa to stop stop stop.” Brutal! 🤣🤣🤣🤣 More of this please!
I really enjoyed reading this. Your humor and personality shine through, and I loved how clearly you explain why each song doesn’t work for you. It reads like a lively and playful chat about music.
haha, disturded. That got me. I normally like them but not that song. I agree Simon and Garfunkle blow them out of the water. Sandpaper scratching the genitals was also hilarious-- if you'd prefer the sound of THAT over the music, that's harsh lol. I don't hate anything else on your list, but your reasons made alot of sense-- I think imagine feels sappy too-- so I appreciate the way you dissected the lyrics. Your bonus was fun, but I think, as was the case with the other covers, I like the original a lot better.
I thought you were gonna somehow Rickroll us hahahahahahaha. I've not heard these songs before but I'll take your word for it 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Hilarious! Your entry turned out great! The only one I disagree with is, unfortunately, the sounds of silence. I don't like or hate Disturbed, but that track had some powerful elements to it for me. Your bonus track ROCKS! That version of the song gets me hyped for all the right reasons, lol.
I’m just going to leave you with this video for your viewing pleasure: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=66gSvNeqevg
Smash Mouth was always awful
There's a reason I picked "Rollin' (Air Raid Vehicle)" to unlock a specific thing in Dick Winchester Book 2: The Counterattack. Because no one in their right mind should ever be putting that on the TouchTunes (this era's jukebox). Not sure if you've gotten to that chapter, so had to stop myself from spoiling more. And never enough Springsteen!
Totally agree with you on imagine - can’t listen to it anymore. Can’t say I fully disagree with any, although I think of smash mouth as harmless fun. However, I think of all your notes here, “sandpaper to my genitals” should be standard critic verbiage
Love your entry and your choices are valid ASF. Good luck!
Omg. You made me laugh (and write omg, which I detest) Don’t agree with all of this but straight up with ‘I just called…) damn he is one of the best and this sucky ass song gets played all the time. Whoo wee now I have to go listen to your bonus song
Got to say that I dislike I Just Called to Say I Love You isn't one of my faves either, Paul. I'd go with You Are The Sunshine Of My Life!