When I learned I was "Barely Breathing."

When I was 17, you dazzled me with your charm and whit.

You became my world and took up every breath of my life.

For some time, life felt good, life felt right.

Whenever I had fears and doubts, you found the perfect words to smooth over the situation and make everything feel okay.

Years passed, it felt like you were a part of the family, like you belonged.

We went to concerts. We went to my best friend’s graduation.

We traveled to East TN together and had a blast with your brother and sister-in-law.

But something was always missing.

Something about you felt off, even though you continued to charm and dazzle away my doubts.

It took time to break me down.

It took time to make me into something that I wasn’t.

Life hadn’t been the easiest. I’d dealt with a lot of childhood trauma, but through it all you had been my knight in shining armor.

At least that’s what I had thought.

Trauma shaped me, molded me into a survivor.

But you, you changed me.

You broke me.

Took my spirit until there was almost nothing left to live.

~

18 years. Who would have thought, we’d make it to almost two decades?

Certainly not your mother or my family.

No one thought we would have been together that long.

In 18 years, I never thought I’d grow more apart from you.

I never imagined wanting to have a world without you…until I did.

2023, the day after Christmas, I told you things were over.

I was done with our relationship.

I was done with you.

2024 was a shit show to sum things up.

I broke up an 18-year-old relationship.

~

“We know we’re destined to fail but, hell, we still try,”

“At first you were all I need, but you turned into a stranger”

“Doomed” by Phix & Ekoh

~

We were destined to fail before we were able to succeed together.

We were doomed to love and hate one another.

You spewed more hate than I was prepared to realize.

My heart ached, cried out for someone to love me because you took my heart, ripped it from my chest, and stomped it into the ground.

~

From Ashes to New shaped my angry feelings, helping me to scream out at the “Panic” and realize that I was “Barely Breathing.”

~

My life felt like it was over.

I felt like I had nothing to live for.

I had ended the relationship.

I was to blame for the guilt and shame that I was feeling.

At least that’s what I had led myself to believe.

That I was worthless.

~

“F’ my feelings, I don’t need them."

"Barely Breathing"

~

I learned a lot this year. I learned that I could breathe again.

I learned to believe in myself. I learned how to lift myself up out of the darkness and figured out how to survive.

Nothing will compare to the pain and loss I felt. Nothing will erase the anger or hurt feelings. But from the ashes, I did rise.

~

“You said I’d never make it.”

~

And you believed that.

You believed that I would never amount to anything after I told you goodbye.

You claimed to be so much better than me.

You were a sense of royalty amongst my poverty.

We weren’t even allowed to breathe the same air.

You wanted to send me away, get me tested because I was the crazy suicidal one.

I was the unstable ex.

~

“Until We Break”

“You’re the cause of the hate and violence.”

~

You’ll be the one on trial.

You’ll be the one who answers fate.

I believe it. I know that my hurt and hate will go away.

God will be my justice and I’m okay with that.

My heart will mend, my mind will strengthen, and my body will be my own again.

~

“Dead to Me”

“You f’d with my head; Ripped my heart from my chest; Now nothing is left; You’re dead to me”

~

After everything, the love, the hate, nothing could wash away the pain you caused. It’s time. I’ve had enough of your control.

I’ve had enough of never being good enough.

I’ve had enough of being the trophy.

I was tired. I was broken.

I was never going to be the same again.

~

“Heartache”

“You’re never going to break me DOWN!”

~

From Ashes to New wrote the album that saved me. They gave me the lyrics to scream, to feel, to breathe. They gave me the means to release the pain and feel again.

I know this passage is supposed to be cheerful and about hope. And it is. It’s about the hope and drive that I needed to survive. The words of From Ashes to New were given to me at the most vulnerable time of my life. And through the tears, the pain, the anger, I learned to live again. I learned to take those broken pieces of myself and create something and someone new.

This is written for anyone whose lived through a relationship that ended. This piece is written for anyone who loved. For anyone who realized that their love was true until it became a lie.

This piece is written for me, it’s given me the chance to breathe and to know that everything is going to be okay. Life is going to continue to throw you curves and chaos. But it’s up to you to ride the wave, to pick of the pieces, and to keep moving forward.

Living with a narcissistic partner is a difficult thing to live through. You think everything is perfect, until one day you are able to break the veil and see the truth of the matter. I’ll never stop loving him, but I don’t think I could love him the same again. I will forever wish him the best. I don’t wish any ill will towards him. I just want him to live a healthy and happy life, and I want that for myself.

For me,

For you,

For everyone.