The Risks of Falling in Love

In essence, I am and will always be terrified of love. Halsey’s "Finally // beautiful stranger" encapsulates the fear I will always associate with the word “love”.

That beautiful strangers

Only come along to do me wrong

This line resonated with me, in fact, it was a belief I held on to for a while. This pessimistic thinking is warranted. My negative thinking regarding love and romance was a product of relentless heartbreaks caused by ugly break-ups. So, let me tell you why I fear love so much:

The first heartbreak is the worst one. So, from then on, we’re supposed to be more cautious. Who wants to experience hell again? But then I did. I tried again. I was stubborn and a sucker for love. Getting hurt once did not discourage me from the idea of love. I was terrified that I would get hurt, but I powered through. I opened myself up to another person. I finally felt like it was okay for me to become vulnerable all over again. Because this time, I felt like everything was better.

It was in the way he made me feel anything I’d never felt before. Empowered, amazing and beautiful. Previously, I’d never once thought that I could ever feel like that. So, with all of those things that he made me feel - I finally opened my arms to the idea of letting my walls down, trying to give love a chance again and maybe come to my senses that it’s not always going to hurt. With him, it was like the world was ours.

Except for the fact that, it wasn’t. It fell through. I caved in too early, I was naïve and I fell hard. And it’s funny that I’d been hurt before, so I should have known better that I could potentially get hurt again. Nevertheless, I took a chance anyway because I could see myself being with him; happy and unhurt. But hey, again, there is always that risk when it comes to falling in love. There is always that risk that my bet is wrong and that it isn’t meant to be.

I beat myself up for being so quick to believe fake promises when I should have known better. I’d try to get back on my feet. I thought I could start walking. But I wasn’t ready, I’d stumble every so often. I couldn’t risk getting hurt again. I decided, that the risks of falling in love were too high. So, I gave up. I was too scared to try again. Every time I thought about love, I’d remind myself that it’s not going to work out. It’d save me the trouble from experiencing an impending heartache. It’d save me the trouble from experiencing hell again.

My cynicism in love remained unwavering for a whole year after the break-up. I’m not one to pick myself back up quickly. I dwelled and I sulked. Until suddenly, I broke out of this rut. A beautiful stranger gingerly walked into my life and I nervously welcomed his presence in my life. At this point, my walls were incredibly high. I vowed to myself: no more hasty vulnerability, no more naivety, and no more idealising. But I recognised, that I was visibly broken. He recognised it too.

But he still stayed. He persisted to climb my walls and convincing me that maybe I should do this dance with him. He could see that I’d been hurt badly before. He saw that I’ve built a wall so high. He noticed that I would often fall into the curse of nostalgia and I’d trick myself into thinking that what I previously had, could never be outdone. He saw that I held on to it like it was my last bit of hope. He saw that I had once beat myself up for it as I thought it was my last chance at a beautiful love story. He saw all that and he stayed. Though not only did he stay to see all of that, he has magical powers that somehow make me forget my hurt and brokenness. Because of his presence in my life, I could resonate with the more hopeful lyrics in this song:

I've never recognized a purer face

You stopped me in my tracks

And put me right in my place

Used to think that loving

Meant a painful chase

But you're right here now

And I think you'll stay

There is no guarantee that I wouldn’t get hurt again. There’s no guarantee that by being with him, I’d forever be happy and unhurt. Occasionally, my inner voice reminds me to be realistic and borderline pessimistic. I ask myself, “why do I want to experience this hell again?”. Now, I am confident enough to answer “this one is worth a shot”.

And I'm terrified, but I can't resist

This song reminds me that I am allowed to be terrified in love, but I just have to pick and choose my battles with care. This song made me believe that not everybody is out to do me wrong. Not everybody will leave and maybe this one will stay. This song was a wake-up call for me. You look past the risks of falling in love, when you’re willing to take a chance and realise, you’re risking it for yourself and the one you love. If it doesn’t work out, there will be a lesson from it. If it doesn’t work out with this particular beautiful stranger, I know we will be okay in the end. I am not certain how long this will last. But I am certain, I’m willing to undertake the risks of falling in love for this beautiful stranger. The fear is still there, but I really can't resist. It's too beautiful to pass up.

Ironically, the beautiful stranger was the one who introduced me to this song. The beautiful stranger was also the one to make me understand the power and meaning of it. Like I said, I can’t guarantee that I’ll always be happy and unhurt. But maybe I can finally heave a sigh of relief and shed my pessimism in love because.. like the last verse in this song:

I think it's finally

Finally, finally, finally, finally safe

For me to fall