The Key Signature of Life

It all started with Shania Twain. The very first song I ever remember liking was Up! by Shania. My mom has a video of me as a 3 year old, jumping and spinning and dancing to that song, and I think that's honestly why I try to be an optimist.

https://youtu.be/-FMhUNSIxks

Some songs from my childhood that bring nostalgia would have to be anything by REO Speedwagon, Fleetwood Mac, the Eagles, Alabama, to name a few. And while I could talk about those artists for hours, this isn't about the songs I like. It's about the songs that made me who I am.

I lost two brothers at birth and had some years where I kind of closed myself off to emotion, at least in front of others. But when I was alone, I'd listen to What Hurts The Most by Rascal Flatts. I'd cry in the shower so much I couldn't breathe. I'd look out the window of the car dramatically with my earbuds plugged into my mp3 player and wrapped around strategically so the sound wouldn't cut out. So I can't talk about a playlist of my life without bringing up this song.

https://youtu.be/dyMPc2n1cyc

I went on to become a teenager and fit the stereotype of moodiness. That song took on new meaning for me as I went through some breakups.

I have an uncle who I love very dearly who has struggled with addiction for as long as I've been alive. Him and I share a love for music, especially on the piano. We went to a meeting with his rehab and someone played an addict version of Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen that made us all emotional. I've loved that song ever since and have had it memorized on the piano for years. This would not be my playlist if that song wasn't on it. There are so many amazing versions of this song, but I've included Rufus Wainwright's version.

https://youtu.be/xR0DKOGco_o

My uncle also introduced me to NF, who taught me another level of emotion. One song that hit me with too much power the first time I heard it and never fails to give me chills is Can You Hold Me by NF. It makes me think of my uncle and his battle and how lonely that must feel sometimes. This song touches you in ways that few songs can. There are some amazing comments on the video about how this song has changed lives. To me, it feels like a search for God.

https://youtu.be/_q6GJ-MkFsg

I made a friend who initially made me feel really good about myself. It only took me about 6 YEARS to realize that they were the reason why my insecurities were getting worse and worse. I was being gaslit constantly and told that I wasn't good enough. They told me that I needed to change who I was completely. They told me that if I wanted people to love me I had to do X,Y,Z... There were days I came home and had to write down a list of Who I Am, because they had me so confused about my identity. It wasn't until I found one of my best friends-to this day-that I realized I needed to get out. During that time, I listened to Praying by Kesha on repeat. It never fails to bring back the memories of overcoming those insecurities and realizing that I am someone worth loving, exactly as I am.

https://youtu.be/v-Dur3uXXCQ

Once I got out of that relationship, I started to discover who I really am. I went back to the very beginning. I went back to Shania and from there I figured out what I like, purely because I actually like it, and not because I wanted to fit in. That's when I discovered Christian Rock. I could give you a list a mile long of christian artists and songs that I love but the very first one I remember affecting me was You've Always Been by Unspoken. It helped me realize that despite every hard thing I've experienced in my life, I was never truly alone. God was there for me every step of the way. He was the one who heard me crying in the shower. The one who touched the hearts of that Rehab meeting. He blessed me with the friends I have now who taught me what friendship is supposed to be. So I love this song for that reason. It also has one of the best key changes I've ever heard in my life and never fails to make me cry.

https://youtu.be/I7vsjQo2NYY

I have a theory about life. I believe that once you're comfortable with who you are and stop looking to other people to validate your worth, love finds you. I've met the love of my life and have never been happier. If I had to represent my marriage in one song, it would be Fooled Around and Fell in Love by Elvin Bishop.

https://youtu.be/JmKfP6DzzuU

I guess what I'm trying to say is, life is full of ups and downs. That's kind of the point. The downs make us truly appreciate the ups. The moments when you realize that life is a miracle. That every breath is a gift and every sunset is a sign that there's still something good to look forward to. So I'll finish with Don't Give Up On Me by Andy Grammer. This song has reminded me many times to never give up hope, even in the darkest moments. Because in the end, that is what makes us who we are.

https://youtu.be/IpzKmBCBIQE