Teen Idle by MARINA

"I wanna stay inside all day. I want the world to go away. I want blood, guts, and chocolate cake. I wanna be a real fake."

One of the many harsh realities of eating disorders... No matter what one it is, it's isolating. There are many potential reasons for this but what I've noticed as likely the biggest reason is that there is guilt and shame associated with it. The people who aren't supportive in terms of helping you, are usually very critical. This is the case for not only me but also many people I have met and become close with in the partial hospitalization program that I'm utilizing for recovery.

"Feeling super super super suicidal. The wasted years, the wasted youth. The pretty lies, the ugly truth. The day has come where I have died, only to find I've come alive."

I added that first part into it because of something that comes later on in the song that changes, well, EVERYTHING from what you think the song is about at this point. However, the rest is SPOT ON, after just a few days of treatment... I'm realizing that my teenage years truly were fucked up. I shouldn't have been so concerned about my appearance. I shouldn't have let my thoughts around food consume me (pun intended). I shouldn't have been fixated on where there was too much fat because it led to very unhealthy behaviors that are just "normal" for me now and breaking those patterns of binge, purge, restrict feel damn near impossible right now. I'm trying but fighting the eating disorder thoughts is a bitch. Sometimes I still can't recognize if it is me or the eating disorder because the thoughts are so habitual. The last line in the quote means this to me... The "death" is the eating disorder. Once you are able to break free from the eating disorder, you are able to feel alive. You don't have those strict rules for yourself surrounding any behaviors that you engaged in prior. You don't focus on the scale or your appearance or the other numbers (and there's a lot of them) that you prioritize over your overall health. You are willing to be around people, not scared of what people think when you eat, not afraid of food. (This is common with ANY eating disorder, not just the restrictive ones. I have bulimia and carb dense foods scare me because they trigger binges.)

"I wanna drink until I ache, I wanna make a big mistake. I want blood, guys, and angel cake. I'm gonna puke it anyway."

Oh, how I relate to this line... WAY more than I'd like to admit. With how honest I've already been, why stop and lie now?

I don't relate to the drinking because I avoid alcohol due to my seizures, just a sip here or there of my mom's drinks. The cake part though... Been there, done that. The feelings are actually painful, physically and mentally. You push until the emotions are numbed and you are so far past full that you know you can vomit. It becomes habit. You find a way to make it happen, no matter who's around.

"I wish I wasn't such such a narcissist. I wish I didn't really kiss the mirror when I'm on my own. Oh God, I'm gonna die alone. Adolescence didn't make sense. A little loss of innocence. The ugliness of being a fool. Ain't youth meant to be beautiful?"

You get trapped in the thoughts of "I'm not pretty enough" and the habits of body-checking. It seems as though you're a narcissist but that's far from the truth. It's like you wasted years that should have been great before being thrown into adulthood.

"The day has come where I have died, only to find I've come alive. Feeling super super super! Feeling super super super!"

I love this part, even though I'm not there yet. Feeling alive without that trapped feeling is what feels like a dream but will hopefully become reality. The "Feeling super super super!" feels as though it will never happen. I want to believe it will but it's hard to after so long.