Courage by Superchick

It's truly painful how much I relate to this song. The amount of tears shed because I didn't know my struggle was so bad. I knew I had an eating disorder but didn't know how severe it was (thanks society for making me think you can't be starving while overweight) until I started to get the treatment I really need.

"I told another lie today and I got through this day, no one saw through my games. I know the right words to say like 'I don't feel well,' 'I ate before I came.' Then someone tells me how good I look and for a moment, for a moment, I am happy but when I'm alone, no one hears me cry."

This is the beginning of how I expressed my eating disorder, kind of. I eat (apparently not a sufficient amount, as I recently learned) but then I make myself vomit. The guilt for eating food is overwhelming. Then, if I'm home, I go to my room and a cry for hours, not forgiving myself. All I think is, "I ate too much that I didn't deserve. I hate myself for that."

"I need you to know I'm not through the night. Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light. I need you to know that we'll be okay. Together we can make it through another day."

I love that part and chose to include it primarily because rather than something like, "I'll make it through another day," it is "we'll" and that is extremely important when it comes to recovery. If you feel alone, why would you want to change? What motivation would there be to take care of your body when you have no one you care about enough or no one who understands your struggle? I also love it because it's honest and realistic... You may recover but that does not mean slip-ups won't happen. An eating disorder becomes natural and for many people, an addiction. Lapses and relapses happen with addictions, so why would this one be any different?

"What I do know is how I've changed my life forever. I know I should know better. There are days when I'm okay and for a moment, for a moment, I find hope. But there are days when I'm not okay and I need your help, so I'm letting go."

There are two parts of your brain at war (sometimes, there can be days where one just takes over - typically emotions) with an eating disorder. The amygdala, the emotional part, often takes over and makes it worse. However, when you're recovering, the prefrontal cortex has more power and helps you recognize the truth using logic and facts. The lines of sometimes being okay and other times really needing support are spot on. This week I went from being mostly okay one day to refusing to eat the next. It's an overwhelming feeling to have that happen. You think there's a huge amount of progress... Until there's not. You're trapped. Stuck with these intrusive thoughts that return much quicker than they left before.

"You should know you're not on own. These secrets are walls that keep us alone. I don't know when but I know now, together we'll make it through somehow."

This part always makes me cry. It's hard to know if you're actually alone or if you just feel it (fact versus feelings, for those of you in therapy settings forever, as I have been). I've never heard of someone being truly alone but I'm sure it has happened. I've heard several dozen people say they're alone when, in reality, they aren't. The secrets are walls: they isolate you, you can't leave and no one can come in. Breaking these walls is very difficult. I hope it's worth it but I'm not there yet. I'm still struggling to feel like I'll make it through this battle. It's the toughest battle I've fought in and I have had a lot of mental health battles... Self harm, suicidal thoughts and attempts, but this is so much worse than those. It can't be hidden forever.

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To anyone else struggling with anything (not just eating disorders, like I was talking about), you aren't alone. There IS help, not even just therapy. There are ways to manage emotions, they take practice but something is better than nothing. A few common outlets are music, art (art therapy is amazing - you get a prompt and then make it however you want, in my experience), and distraction (if you're overwhelmed).