Survivor

Many look back on their younger years with fond memories of their glory days, reminiscing about days gone by. I on the other hand, along with many others, have spent my life actively trying to block out and forget those days. To say that growing up for me was a struggle would be an understatement. I was an outcast in my younger years, bullied by the other kids in school, with no real friends until reaching eighth grade. My home life wasn't any better, my father was an alcoholic with anger issues who ran our household with an iron fist. Often times I found myself hiding away with a book to escape from reality for a while, wishing so much to be the characters I was reading about.

I learned early on how to put on a fake smile to push through each day, doing my best not to let on how genuinely unhappy I really was. At thirteen I took a job washing dishes in a restaurant owned by one of the few friends I had family just to have an excuse to get out of the house when I wasn't at school. By the time my father left our family when I was fifteen the damage was done, leaving me spending my teens suffering from extreme depression and anxiety. I developed a severe lack of trust in people, feeling alone even surrounded by the friends I had made through the years. My mother worked constantly to pay the bills, making sure me and my three siblings had a roof over our heads and food on the table, but unable to supply general supervision needed in my teen years. This only led to bad decision after bad decision on my part. Falling in with a bad crowd, and following in my father's footsteps, I embraced drugs and alcohol to numb the feelings that dwelled inside of me.

The only true escape I ever found was in music, finding a sense of belonging and acceptance in the punk scene. Being surrounded by likeminded individuals who had been through just as much as I had, if not more. House parties became a regular thing at my home, but rarely gave me the enjoyment that I got going to a punk show. More often than not I found myself hidden away in my bedroom closet with my Walkman to get away from the crowds. Now looking back, I know it was the music that really had saved me. Having something to listen to with a message I could relate to made me feel a little less alone, and gave me hope in the darkest of times. Although I could name thousands of songs that helped me through my teens I will spare you all that and leave you with nineteen songs that helped me survive into my twenties.

1. “Upside Down From Here” by Atom and His Package- In my teenage years I often found myself feeling lost in a world thrown topsy turvy around me. This song was always a much needed reminder that everyone feels this way from time to time, especially in their teen years while they discover who they are. The chorus “I know what it feels like to be upside down from here” embodied this feeling for me.

2.“People Are Stupid” by 30 Foot Fall- As a teenager I constantly battled with my personal insecurities, always worrying about what others would think of me. The message of this song made me worry less about what others thought and taught me to do what I wanted to do, often listening to it to pump myself up before leaving the house. I still struggle with my insecurities but have grown more comfortable with being myself as time has gone by.

3. “The Mayhem and The Pain” by Against All Authority- The lyrics of this song always reminded me that life isn’t easy, you will go through horrible things, but you must keep going. The chorus did an excellent job summing up life for me, “Sometimes life is like a circle pit, you keep running round and round, and sometimes you just fall down, and you fall flat on the ground. Sometimes life is like a pile of shit, but one thing that stays the same is the mayhem and the pain that keeps pumping through my veins.” This helped me through many trials in my life, from failing at various goals I had, to the deaths of friends and family, it reminded me that no matter how hard the world knocked me down I had to get up and keep going.

4.“Too Much to Ask” by Bad Religion- I've always tended to overthink things, questioning most aspects of my life and the world around me. Being at an age where political issues were starting to register, I grew conflicted emotionally with the way the world was. This song embodied those feelings for me, the lyrics “I ain’t no optimist, I try to be a realist, and I wonder if I’m thinking too far out of bounds” captured how I felt about the slightly radical views of things that had been forming in my mind.

5. “Better Than You” by Catch 22- At the time of this songs release, Tomas Kalnoky was still the lead man for Catch 22, and to be honest I could fill this list with songs he has written. You will see him on this list again, but I refrained from just stacking up a bunch of his work on here. “Better Than You” I chose because of the message of the song. Its title can be misleading, it is not to imply being better than anyone, but that one is better than people think you are. It’s about being looked down upon by others, something I dealt with a lot in my teens and listening to him scream “I’m better than you” a few times during the chorus between the rest of the band chanting take it easy, then wrapping it up with “I’m better than you think”, always reminded me to worry less about what others thought of me. Especially those that didn’t know me.

6. “Fucked Reality” by Choking Victim- This song was my go to song anytime I was hating myself and feeling like a loser. The overall message of the song that I took away being that everyone is a loser in some way or another. This is a very negative message and I’m sure some would disagree with it, but it did wonders for me in not beating myself up too badly over my own personal shortcomings, such as my drug use, and alcoholism.

7. “My Right” by Screeching Weasel- Every teen at some time or another has taken issue with people telling them how to live, “My Right” for me put these feelings into words. Far too often I found myself anxiety ridden because I was not living up to other’s standards. This song reminded me that it was my right to be the person I wanted to be, and to hell with anyone who took issue with this.

8. “Society” by Pennywise- I spent a lot of time in my teens questioning the world around me, from war to religion, racism to poverty, the problems of the world constantly plagued my mind. The song “Society” reassured me that I wasn’t in the wrong for questioning these things and helped to fuel my drive to seek change in the world. Something I think many teenagers experience as they come of age.

9. “End On 9” by Guttermouth- As a teen suffering from anxiety and depression I often found myself questioning my self-worth. Being an outcast only amplified these feelings, as I spent my days often looked down upon by those around me. This song helped me to understand that just because I dressed differently, did my hair in unnatural colors, and overall embraced a different lifestyle than most, this didn’t mean I was less than. That just because I was different didn’t mean I wasn’t just as capable as those that looked down on me for my differences.

10. “Don’t Let’s Start” by They Might Be Giants- I remember falling in love with T.M.B.G. as a child after they were featured on Tiny Toons, my love for them didn’t fade going into my teens, and the song “Don’t Let's Start” often pulled me out of some dark places. The words resonated with me and whenever I heard this song, I couldn't help but smile.

11.“And Now We Dance” by The Vandals- One of the best means of releasing pint up emotions for me as a teenager was always jumping into a mosh pit at a punk show. This song embodied that feeling better than any other, comparing punks in the pit to soldiers on the battlefield. It expressed for me how the feelings of inadequacy felt as a teen would fade away, if only for a little while, once in the middle of the savage dance that is moshing.

12. “Have The Time” by The Slackers- Growing up I constantly questioned if I knew what I was doing with my life, or for that matter if I was doing enough with my life. This song reminded me that it was ok to fall short of goals, as long as you didn’t give up, and did what you must to carry on. It made me recognize that time was a factor in life, and I must do all I could in the time I was provided, even if I didn’t succeed or got lost along the way.

13.“My Stupid Mind” by Big D and The Kid’s Table- This song was my anchor in times of extreme anxiety, helping to ground me when I was at my absolute worse. The lyrics “Just keep my mind stable, keeping my mind right” became a mantra for me that helped frequently to calm me down and get me back on track in life. It was an excellent reminder that all the stress was just something in my head and that I should try not to let things get to me.

14. “Give It Back” by Lagwagon- After the physical and emotionally abuse from my father growing up, I had developed a very negative outlook on life. This song was a message to me that no matter how much I had convinced myself I was deserving of such treatment, I truly wasn’t. I still struggle with these issues today, carrying the negative baggage with me into my thirties, but now with the help of loved ones I’m finally learning to let go of the negativity my father gave me when I was younger.

15. “The Science Of Selling Yourself Short” by Less Than Jake- I believe everyone at some time or another in their teens could relate to this song in some way. Most of us as teens struggled with self-doubt at some point, and Less Than Jake captures that struggle perfectly in this song. Expressing those feelings of not being good enough, of beating yourself up for things you can’t help, of self destructive behavior and substance abuse. The line “I think it’s fine by me, that I’m my own worst enemy”, helped me to understand that sometimes the biggest obstacle in my way would be myself.

16. “Unravel” by Tilt- At our darkest moments we always have two options, give up allowing ourselves to be lost to this darkness, or push through and try to get through it. The song “Unravel” put this choice into words better than I had ever heard before. The lyrics “We can weave, or we can unravel” helped as a constant reminder that it was up to me to keep going, and that giving up just meant allowing the negative thoughts to bring me down further.

17. “Gone” by the Bouncing Souls- This song helped me to realize that things always seem darker to those who are going through tough times. That the darkness comes from our own minds and becomes a creature of our own making. This darkness didn’t have to be the end of us though, if we could find something that brought us joy, even if it’s just a song, and truly embrace that thing eventually that darkness would be gone from our lives. As a teen this was a message that saved me on numerous occasions from giving into the negative thoughts that constantly made their way into my head.

18. “Here’s To Life” by Streetlight Manifesto- Throughout my teen years I constantly battled with suicidal thoughts, in 2003 Tomas Kalnoky,(told you he’d be back), with his newest band debuted their first album Everything Goes Numb, an album made to bring awareness to the issue of suicide. Again, this entire album could have gone on this list, but I chose “Here’s To Life” because the song summed up the overall message of the album, which was to never give up. At times, because I struggled with these thoughts it made me think less of myself, this song points out some of the great minds throughout history that went through the same things. Minds like Hemingway, Van Gogh, and Salinger just to name a few, and if they went through this I shouldn't beat myself up for feeling the same. Tomas Kalnoky said it best in the lyrics “And it makes me sick when I think of it, All my heroes could not live with this, And I hope you rest in peace, Because with us you never did, And K.D.C. you were much too young, And you changed my life, But I draw the line at suicide, Here’s to life!”

19. “Survivor” by Fifteen- The first time I ever heard this song I felt as if it were written specifically for me. That the band was trying to let me know that I wasn’t alone, and that the abuse I had suffered wasn’t the end of the world. I also find it fairly symbolic that the name of the band is also the age at which my father left our family and the abuse ended. I had survived. To this day this song still resonates deeply with me, reminding me that my father was at fault for the abuse I received. That despite how much it broke me apart inside one day I could still put all those pieces together again, and finally be happy. That I was meant to survive, and not allowing myself to believe that I was put on this earth to be abused.

There are so many other songs I could have put on this list, songs that have held a special place in my heart through the years since I was a teenager. To this day most of these songs help me through each day so that I can keep going. I still am working through issues brought on from my childhood, having spent my twenties doing my best to numb myself and block out those days gone past with drugs and alcohol. Now that I’ve grown a bit older, I’ve begun to put in the work to finally free myself of this emotional baggage I’ve carried with me for so long. Now I’m at a point in my life I can truly say I see a light at the end of this tunnel that is my existence and I have these songs that gave me hope and reminded me I was not alone to thank for that.