soundtrack of my emo teenage heart

I'm going to be 30 this year, which means my teenage angst years happened in the era of Myspace. To me, an individual's music tastes were windows into the psyche. I mean, I still do believe that to a degree, but it plays less of a role in determining who was going to be part of my supercool emo posse now. The music you like can say a lot about you, and in my journey as a teen discovering who I was, music was, and still is, instrumental to my life. See what I did there? Welcome to my Teenage Playlist. Top 5 songs accompanied by little anecdotes.

*Disclaimer, there are a few more than 5 songs.

5. Passenger Seat - Death Cab for Cutie

Ah, Death Cab. Did anyone else have those moments when you were literally in the passenger seat of your lover's car, music's playing (something indie, obviously) only communicating through piercing glances and clasped hands resting on the centre console. I squeeze your fingers as Ben Gibbard sings, "When you need directions, I'll be the guide. For all time…" I'm not ready to go home yet, I think to myself. Drive slower, please. Yep, this song still gets me. I feel the nostalgia creep in on the first piano note.

With my feet on the dash, the world doesn't matter…

4. The Garden State Soundtrack

In high school, it seemed like Garden State resonated with a vast slew of my peers, including myself. The film itself obviously mirrored the coming of age feeling that was already present in us. I think in your teens, there can be a sense of inherent loneliness as you navigate independence. This movie, for some reason or another, helped me feel connected and not alone: like I was part of a collective, lonely rite of passage. Does that make sense?

The songs that specifically spoke to me from that album, and still continue to, are:

Don't Panic - Coldplay

Oh, all that I know

There's nothing here to run from

'Cause yeah, everybody here's

Got somebody to lean on

New Slang - The Shins

New slang when you notice the stripes

The dirt in your fries

Hope it's right when you die

Old and bony

Dawn breaks like a bull through the hall

Never should have called

But my head's to the wall

And I'm lonely

Such Great Heights - Iron & Wine

And I have to speculate

That God Himself did make

Us into corresponding shapes

Like puzzle pieces from the clay

Let Go - Frou Frou

So let go, so let go, hmm, jump in

Oh, well, whatcha waiting for? It's alright

'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

The Only Living Boy in New York - Simon & Garfunkel

Half of the time we're gone

But we don't know where

And we don't know where

I was going to delve in more into what these songs mean personally to me, but honestly, sharing the lines I found the most poignant really says it best. Just picture Simon & Garfunkel harmonizing "Here I am…" and that ties up my last year in high school into a real nice bow.

3. Harvest Moon - Neil Young

I'm Canadian. My birthday also happens to be the same as Neil Young's… Charles Manson as well, but hey, ya can't win 'em all! Neil Young has been the background music to many of my memories, but I don't think it was really until I was 17 that I really understood the genius of Mr. Young. Harvest Moon is still one of my Top 5 favourite love songs. I was fortunate enough to see him in concert in my small hometown as a teen. Harvest Moon actually didn't get played when I went to see him (ugh) but it's okay, I forgive you, Neil!

I'm getting married in July and you can bet it's already on the playlist.

When we were strangers

I watched you from afar

When we were lovers

I loved you with all my heart

That guitar riff gets me every time: a pang of excitement, a warm nostalgia, a hint of beautiful sadness. You know the one I'm talking about.

2. My Girls - Animal Collective

So many sweaty summer, drunken nights were spent listening to My Girls with my girls. You know, those high school friends you think you'll still have like forever! Oh, growing up...This song exudes that teen feeling of getting into trouble, underestimating the potency of red wine, and inevitably, a crying emotional breakdown will make an appearance. The build-up in this song is everything. This song lifts us up off our asses and out of halts that hormonal surge that happens when you mix individuals with uteruses, alcohol and the brink of adulthood. I can neither confirm nor deny whether any of those nights with my best pals ended in vomit or not. :)

MGMT's Electric Feel stirs up a similar vibe for me, but when Animal Collective dropped this album in 2009 (my graduating year) I instantly fell in love. Merriweather Post Pavillion is an album I don't listen to enough of anymore. So many great tracks: Summertime Clothes, Brother Sport, Taste, Bluish… OK, that's enough. It's the first sunny day we've had here in a while, it's time to crank it up for my girls.

1. Neighbourhood #1 (Tunnels) - The Arcade Fire

My last song, for this exposé at least, is Neighbourhood #1 from Funeral, by The Arcade Fire. I know I already mentioned my super exotic Canadian heritage, but when they won the Album of the Year Grammy in 2011 for The Suburbs, I cried. Literal tears streamed down my face because I was just so proud. I've always felt like Canadian music is highly underrated. There are songs and full albums that should have made this list: Feist, Metric, Sarah Harmer, Caribou, Shad, Stars... my Canadian music love runs deep and I will always be forever loyal.

Arcade Fire, though, and this song specifically, I've always had a strong relationship with. Tunnels reminds me of trekking through a blanket of snow to spend time with your friends. It reminds me of the shitty things you witness while living at home, like seeing your parents crying, a divorce. It reminds me of meeting someone who, even if just for a minute, alleviates the growing pains of youth. When you've got tunnel-vision and your mind is dark, they're there to purify the colours in your mind. They help you rebound and rise. A kind of re-birth, if you will.

I could go on and on about Arcade Fire and all the aforementioned artists (and albums!), but I really wanted to keep this concise and light. I will say this though: even in my weird, awkward, teenage years, I learned early on how important music is to my life. I would take blindness over deafness any day. It is my medicine, my passion, my language. In writing this post, I came to realize that the older I get, the more I understand why I gravitated to the songs I did.

xo

K-A