On Music

Music - as is well known - does not actually exist.

Until the 1800's, the smallest divisible unit of music was thought to be the note. The emergence of newly discovered radioactive isotopes, however, led scientists to the famous 'splitting the note' experiments, which opened up whole new vistas of musical research. It is now known that there are many, many units of music smaller than the note*. Still, the fact remains: music does not exist.

In this chapter, we will begin by exploring what music is and how it has had such an impact on the various human species. We will then move on to the types of music and where else music might exist.

Music has had a remarkable impact on the evolution of humanity. This is thought to be because of the enormous energy released when a note is 'split', meaning that those humans biochemically able to harvest the energy of music had a huge advantage in times of famine. Slowly but surely, music was selected for, until it was possessed by almost the whole human race**. Music was also a way of communicating over distances before the invention of postage stamps. It has thus been vital to the species for a number of reasons.

Not many other animals can perceive music***. Mice, ducks and some types of bacteria are able to experience music, though they are not generally regarded as great composers. Of course, there have been individual animals of various other species that have been reported to 'have' music, though not all these instances have been verified. Sir Lawrence Olivier is famously said to have had a small chicken called Tony who enjoyed Gilbert and Sulivan recordings. More recently, disgraced prime minister Margaret Thatcher was reported by the tabloids to have a fondness for an anthill in Somerset that could perform a passable rendition of Bohemian Rhapsody. These examples are few and far between, however, and should not be taken seriously by a philosopher of taste.

It is a common - and erroneous - conceit that birds are musical. An analysis of avian DNA has, however, proven conclusively that birds are not able to split the note****. Birds have always been tricksy creatures, and should never be trusted.

We come now to a brief examination of the four types of music. These are: classical, blues, retro, and punk. These can be regarded as the musical 'primes'. Indeed, all other musical styles are only possible by combination of the different primes in various proportions. Each of the musical primes is linked to one of the four elements; there are also said to be various astrological connotations, though as this is a learned work we should not stoop to such balderdash.

To consider these four types in turn:

1. Classical is a tender, fruity music. Music of this sort is concerned with healing and health. No one has ever become emotionally distraught while listening to classical music, as this is simply not possible.
2. Blues on the other hand is found in the stomach and other internal organs. 90% of blues music is extracted from cattle, though a smaller proportion comes from cats and voles, too. It is thus unsuitable for vegetarians.
3. Retro is a pulsatile, expansile, fractal and dichromatic music. It is the youngest of the four primes of music, and thus always keen to prove itself.
4. Punk music is always on the move. Because of this, it is very difficult to collect, and has a tendency to escape from all but the most robust storage devices. This type of music is known colloquially as 'butter music' or 'Steve'.

Music is unique in that it is the only art form to use time as its medium*****. Because of this, many people find music boring, and often leave halfway through. An artist who works primarily in music is called a 'musician', though this highly technical term is not used very often nowadays.

Finally, it is worth spending a few moments contemplating the existence of music on other planets. Although this was thought impossible for many years******, recently the tide of opinion has shifted. Photographs taken by the Hubble telescopes in the last five years clearly show traces of music on Mars and parts of Venus. It is thought perhaps that music was once abundant on these planets, but has gradually died away. If there, why not elsewhere? After all, it wasn't so long ago that science fiction writers were imagining that music might be found amongst even relatively un-evolved humans, such as estate agents. Today's speculation is tomorrow's confirmation, as the old saying goes.

To sum up: music is the name we give to that sequence of sounds that we cannot reasonably call 'speaking' or 'screaming'. It is volatile and hard to define, and yet we all know instinctively what it is. Perhaps one day the music will run out, so we should probably exercise caution when using music, and certainly not leave it unattended. In the next chapter, we will explore the relationship between music and uncertainty*******.

***

*: In order of descending size, the current classification runs: note, mininote, quaver, micronote, sub-quaver, piconote, and the queerion (known to musciologists as a 'pinhead').

**: Some isolated pockets of humans unable to split the note still exist today. These populations are found mainly on daytime talent shows.

***: This makes sense when you think about it, as music - as has been mentioned - does not exist.

****: Hence the term, 'the music of birds', used in a derogatory sense to describe something tawdry purporting itself to be of artistic worth.

*****: Once again, this is possible due to the vast energies available on splitting the note, energy and time being intraconvertable.

******: Music does not exist here, after all, so why should it exist in space?

*******: Probably