My Toxic Brain Dance

Have you ever had a moment in your life where you look around and wonder how the hell you ended up here, in the grand daddy of all slumps and going nowhere? You're standing on a path that seems go on and on and has no end. It’s been coming on for a while, but that is where I find myself. I am adrift in a sea of suckadoodle and mediocrity just treading water.

I’m over 40, have bachelor’s degree in English I am doing nothing with the student loans to go with it, a dead-end job that hardly even pay the bills, and sleeping in my mother’s den… awesome job adulting dude. I am doing a bangarang job, wouldn’t you say? But, life is tough and hey we all do what we do and find our way. For some of us, it takes longer than others… yea I am just going to keep telling myself that folks.

Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of people in the world who are worse off, plenty of people in the US that are worse off. So, I am grateful for what I have. Grateful to my family, grateful for my job as tedious as it can be. To anyone out there struggling, to all the people in the world that need help- I hope you get what you need. I wish you prosperity, love, joy and luck. We can all use a little luck, right? I sure could use some, anyone got an extra four leave clover I could borrow? My problems seem small in the scope of things. I’m not starving and I’m not homeless, but I am lost in a fog of indecision and inaction. I need to get out of my silly slump and do something. Do anything. Join the circus, go sky diving, learn the rules of rugby, learn to moonwalk.. just DO SOMETHING!

I read a book a few months ago and it resonated with me, it has stuck with me for a while now. Our intrepid heroine is fighting a monster and the key to victory is music. Not just any music either, it has to be defiant music to fight the monster’s freaky mind control powers. She is trying to escape these eery tunnels underground and get outside. It is an interesting moment in the book. The heroine is this bad ass chick, she’s werewolf for cripes sake and she is running terrified from a bigger monster. Here she is naked and running through a cave away from a monster and to hold off the monster she sings, “We Will We Will Rock You,” at the top of her lungs. This Queen classic is her salvation.

Here remind yourself how awesome that song is and don’t forget to think some defiant thoughts:

Now that our first musical interlude is over... back to the story. As I said that scene resonated with me. Not the running around in a cave naked part. Or the monster part. Not the werewolve part either, I am not a werewolf…seriously nothing to see here. I am not a werewolf…

All joking aside, what really struck me was the defiance, she refused to give up without a fight.

I could use a little defiance. I’ve had a tough year… maybe more than one. Right now, I find myself in a quicksand pit that I filled one scoop of disappointment at a time until I was trapped in my own spiral of: I’m not good enoughs and you can’t do its. There are times when I make strides to pull myself out of the pit, but they pan out and I sink back down. Recently, I tried to take the CBEST tests to become a substitute teacher. I had no idea what to do once I passed the test, but, step one pass the test. I passed the reading and the writing, no problem, but not the math. I was close… so close, but no. The plus side is that I don’t have to retake the two that I passed. All I have to do now is pass the math section, good news, right? Except have I been studying for the math section? Have I rescheduled the test? That is a negatory good buddy.

Here's my problem I get myself right up to the cliff and then something happens and I NEVER get the guts to jump off. It is hard to explain but for some reason it is so difficult for me to do the next step. To jump off that cliff. This is how it goes in my brain: I get anxious. Once I sign up for the tests how do I find a private space to take them online? How do you even get hired as a sub? I don’t have a car how would that work? What if they need me to sub somewhere I can’t get? No one in the house will be quiet anyway. I probably won’t pass anyway. Do I quit my job. What if subbing doesn’t work. How will I…? What if…?

All the doubts come flooding in. I managed to get a degree I pushed myself to go to college. I studied something I love. Now what? And the toxic brain dance begins. The crazy questions the doubts. I don’t know, so I don’t try and then I despise myself a little. I have to work at it so I never do it. And the worst part is that I would work at it if I just knew what to do, but I get all clogged up in my own head… Rinse repeat infinite.

Here I am. Over forty, a basic job with no prospects, and living with my mother… but you know what. I’ve decided that this next year is going to be different. I will do my best to get through my toxic brain dance and succeed. It is time to get out of that nest, time to do something- time to drop the fear and drop the doubt and kick ass.

My song for the year could be sad and broody or it could be angry. But I chose something else!

2024 I have a song for you. My war-cry, my defiance. I call on Twisted Sister “We’re Not Gonna Take It.”

I'm not gonna take it. Not from others and not from me. It's time to rock! It is time for triumph and joy and that is where I am headed. As Dylan Thomas’ poem advices- I will not go gentle into that goodnight, … I will Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

WATCH OUT 2025!