My Musical Journey of 2024

In January, I listened to a lot of sea shanty style music or Irish jig music. I needed the upbeat tunes to help me stay present for my children as I was fighting an upward battle with feeling like I could never make it out of my life's circumstances whole.

I love watching Irish jigs and occasionally try to learn them myself, however, I am not much of a dancer! *smile*

This was one of my favorite versions of a sea shanty.

In February, I listened to a lot of music from when I was a child: old bluegrass and country style gospel music. I was grieving the life that I had always wanted and coming to terms that God was still in my life despite the pressing need for me to escape the narrative of a "good Christian wife" in order to keep myself and my little's safe. But I also listened to some newer songs too:

And this song by Sara Bareilles would stay close to my heart for the next several months as I fought against the urged silence that had been repeatedly drilled into my brain since I was about 5 years old. Don't say too much... or you'll ruin everyone's lives!

In March, I was all over the place emotionally as I was accepting that my life was getting ready to implode and change so drastically that I didn't know if I would be standing at the end of it all. I had to not only be Brave, but also know that I was getting A Little Bit Stronger.

I listened to songs to help release my tears that didn't seem like they could fall, but I knew that I needed the release that crying often brings as I came to terms with what my life had turned into:

Songs like Burn It Down, reminded me that I didn't want the life I was living and that burning it down around me (metaphorically) was okay to do.

And songs like Next Thing You Know, spoke hope for the future into my soul because life will keep moving forward - and just because my heart was broken right now, it didn't mean that I wouldn't find love later on in life.

My faith continued bringing me strength through songs by Matthew West:

These songs brought me peace and light in a time where the darkness didn't seem to ever have an end in sight. They reminded me that God sees everything and that He loves me enough to hold space for me no matter what!

In April, I was drawn to songs by Lainey Wilson as the sound reminded me of feelings of love and safety from my childhood while the words resonated with my situation in life.

This song made me cry as I yearned for safety and fought to tell everything.

And this song by Citizen Soldier spoke to my cries for help for the depression that was trying to drown me with lies like "everyone would be better off if you were dead."

In May, Alexandra Kay's music was what got me through the long days battling the unknowns and the major changes that where happening in my life. She put into words the feelings that my heart screamed out.

The continued pressure to stay silent and not say everything that happened while I continued battling with accepting how bad it really was and how damaged I was internally after staying and tolerating so much... and the realization that some family members had likely known exactly how bad it was and yet pressured me to Hush Hush.

In June, songs like Wait in the Truck and Things a Man Oughta Know from got played on repeat along with a couple of new ones: Tougher and Heart Like a Truck. My soul yearned for freedom and the open spaces that I knew I needed to heal, but with the reminder that I was still just fine!

This song reminded me that I didn't have to say everything that happened... that God, he, and I knew exactly what happened behind closed doors... and that I was strong enough to hold back from saying everything that he did do in order to attempt to heal and move forward for the sake of our children. I was reminding myself that just because he felt the need to talk badly about me, didn't mean that I had to join in. I could focus on what I needed to heal within me without risking the truth being aired running him out of the town that he said hated everything about me and would never have believed me anyway.

In July, I was led to believe that my ex had moved on and part of me felt sadness that I wasn't moving on near as quickly. This song made me smile and be a lot more okay with the idea of him jumping into another relationship while I was still trying to learn to trust that all men wouldn't physically harm me.

I renewed my love for Terri Clark after months of avoiding her music because it brought back memories that I had long tried to avoid because I felt such guilt for my life choices and looking back just made me feel so stupid.

Songs like A Little Bit Stronger and Heart Like a Truck continued being staples alongside songs like She Didn't Have Time, He Didn't Have to Be, and I'm Alright as my heart continued to heal and I felt myself re-finding the will to at least attempt to still love - despite all of the reasons I had to never love a man again.

In August, I was faced with several crossroads and July's music continued being a staple while I added several songs that allowed me to express my deepest feelings as I continued to not only grieve the closing of the life I had, but also embrace the changes I was going through as my heart began to feel intense feelings that I had been sure were permanently killed off after years of suppressing them. I was also battling a lot of flashbacks in every day life as someone wasn't wanting to leave me alone.

The good thing in August was that my brain connected a new song on the radio with someone bringing a little bit of sunshine into my life and I started loving this song - even though it took me several months before I realized what they meant with "put some miles on it"!

In September, my playlist stayed a lot the same as the last 2 months as I struggled once more with choosing to feel despite the knowledge that the more I felt, the more life would hurt. I was faced with becoming the person that I had been as a teenager again and I hated every second of it because I had felt everything so deeply and I was scared that my emotions would be the death of me!

Songs like Wild One, Born to Fly, One Way Ticket, and Like My Mother Does joined a new to me song: Leave The Pieces.

The darkness that I felt brought in a couple of old songs as well as I struggled to not end my life.

And Fight Song reminded me to keep going... because I have made so many impactful explosions in my life and had so many more that I needed to stick around to make before I could rest in peace!

In October, I continued loving to blast my tunes that I had grown to love as I relearned what life could be as I continued striving for healing. This song by Citizen Soldier spoke to me:

And Anne Wilson's Rebel become a favorite as well...

And I discovered that any man who would love me would need to love me Wild:

In November, I found another new song that put into words the difficulty that I was having with relearning to control the videos that my brain always is recording. I hated the flashbacks that continued to taint new experiences as I felt like I was in two places at the same time.

Songs like The Impossible resonated with me as I continued my healing journey as there were many things that felt impossible...

And the happiness I felt being able to listen to one of my all time favorite songs again without the painful memories it had been bringing for several years now...

The song that triggered the most memories for me the time I hit my head hard enough to forget who I was for a while... and the memories no longer brought pain or desire to return to a past life - even during the good times that were had...

And love songs that I had long avoided despite loving the memories of cleaning with Mom singing them as a child returned to me as well!

Plus one of my favorite songs to "dance" to on a dirt road in the middle of nowhere - even though I am bad at dancing...

In December, I added a few new songs into my favorites that reminded me that I am special and irreplaceable. People who walked away from me had their reasons, but I was learning exactly how much I should love myself instead of giving all of my love away to others...

And then the year ended with another goodbye that hurt... but surprised me that I was so okay with it. I hope they find what they are looking for and have the best things in life! These songs were the closest thing that I could find to match my feelings, but none were perfect:

And then? Then on the evening of December 30th, something happened that I didn't think would ever happen to me. After everything that had happened during my year, I didn't think that anything could surprise me any more... and yet life sent a major shocker my way. The song Messy was what got me through the 24 hours of riding the intense shock waves and the feelings of horror, guilt, sadness, despair, and intense fears...

I am proud of my journey in the past year. I have faced battles that I didn't think I'd ever be able to survive. I have won the war to keep making new memories - despite the knowledge that they may become bittersweet as I accept that people will never stay in my life... and that? That is ok. I have realized that I can still be completely myself and love myself. I have achieved a brand new feeling that my therapist and Mom agree is "acceptance."

2025 is not off to the start I had planned... but my heart is beautifully reassembled like a stained glass window and I am learning to find the beauty in the "damaged parts" that remain. And I know that I will be okay. I am finally... accepting myself just as I am while continuing to better myself!

I loved looking back at the songs that helped... and how I have uncovered that I am still the sassy, fun-loving, put-my-whole-heart-in-it person I thought I'd never be again while still being responsible enough to make the best decisions that I could make in the moment with the knowledge I have and do my best to keep myself safe.

This is the song that I entered 2025 with as the two sides of me are remerging into a beautiful woman that I am so proud of!

Thank you for coming along with me on my year's musical journey!

What song did you use to leave 2024 behind? Or the song that you used to welcome 2025 in? Please let me know in the comments! *smile*