My Anti-Love Songs

My heart had been broken several times. It seemed like I never learned my lesson in given someone my heart because out of a sudden it would be crushed. It is like they would play bean bag with my heart and suddenly they would stump it. They would move along and not give a damn about how they had wounded me or they would be happy about their evil deeds. I went through issues because of how my stepmother treated me but I forgave her. But what happened to me, later on, was almost unforgivable.

I know that you are waiting for my playlist but I am getting to that. I am just justifying why I created that playlist. It has affected me today. I just had a relationship that had just ended with a nice lady because my broken heart of the past had caused me to end it. We were dating long distance and I never visited her. Maybe the reason was that I felt that I would give too much effort into the relationship. My question was why would I give anything to a relationship and later allow her to hurt me? Now she wasn't a bad girlfriend but what happened to me in the past make me think questions like these would come from my battered heart.

I know. I know. I need to let go of my past but let me tell you what happened. It was ten years ago. I was working at a grocery store and a beautiful woman my age started working with me. She was Hispanic with blond highlights. She was skinny. At that time I was very insecure. Every man in the store including me was attracted to her but she approached me. ME! CAN'T YOU BELIEVE IT!

We went out on dates and one day we made love. I was stupid enough to not use a condom. A couple of weeks later she informed me that she was pregnant. Now I am not an asshole so I took responsibility for the baby. I was graduating from college and I was ready to find a new job. I couldn't wait to give this baby a new life. A lesbian blocked me away from my girlfriend. The Lesbian tried her best and soon my girlfriend broke up with me and went out with her. They quit their jobs and I didn't hear from my ex for a week. I finally got a hold of her and we talked about the baby. She told me to forget about the baby and they were going to raise it themselves. I was devastated.

Now let's get to the playlist. They are "Move Bitch" from Ludacris, "Get Out" (Leave) from Jo Jo, "Fuck It (Don't Want You Back)" from Eamon, "Bizonce" from Olivia, "Fuck You Right Back (F.U.R.B.) from Frankee, "Who Do You Love?" from The Chainsmokers featuring Five Seconds of Summer, "I'm A Mess" from Bebe Rhexa, and "Too Late To Apologize" from Timbaland featuring One Republic.

I chose the first four songs because those made me feel that they needed to get out of my life. They were too toxic of me. I stupidly put all women in that category but that only lasted a few moments because all women are not that hurtful. If I would constantly think that, I would always end up alone. "Get Out," "Fuck It," "Bizounce," and "Who Do You Love?" are songs about being cheated on. "I'm a Mess" is about being messed up about a breakup. "Too Late to Apologize" is about someone apologizing but it is already too late. The damage has already been done. After she ended the relationship, even if she apologizes it would take a moment to forgive her.

I hope my anger will pass because it is messing up my relationships.