Music Moves Us Through

2024, for me, was a seminal time. It was the year of truly starting to know and accept myself. I was able to reconcile with the things that made me resent myself, those rotted, ugly parts of me I had locked away and never thought about—things I never wanted to see. I learned to look myself in the face and see the imperfect person staring back at me, and I learned to keep looking, to not avert my eyes from my true self any longer.

DO YOU DOUBT ME TRAITOR by Lingua Ignota / RAGE

One of the issues I had to delve into in order to do this was my rage. I was so angry at the world, at society, at my friends past and present.

But most of all, I was enraged with myself. I resented my constant weaknesses and shortcomings, my failures, my people pleasing habits, my narcissistic streak, my inabilities to do things right.

Rock/metal artist Lingua Ignota’s song showcases this awful, warped feeling I had about my “weaknesses”—about striving to hurt others before they can hurt me. She makes the narrator of her album out to be a god of sorts, an abusive, all-powerful person who perhaps is not as powerful as they seem; insecurity drips through the cracks in the music and lyrics just as prominently as confidence and strength does.

The song makes itself out to be about the mistake of betraying a god and the “how dare you?” and having all this power to crush everyone in your path, yet you chose not to until now—when really, this is a song about weakness. About hurt, about the struggle of having one’s trust betrayed. It’s a very human song about mistrust, how trauma stems from trauma, and rage/resentment.

The way Ignota sings “How can you doubt me now?” at the beginning of the track always gives me chills, and her screaming is so harrowing and almost earth shattering to sit through. The rage Ignota exudes on the track renders me breathless. You truly feel like you are listening to a god herself, flawed and hurt and furious.

This song encapsulated the rage I was holding inside so well. It also showed me how repulsive that anger was, how unnerving and scary it could be. I don’t want to be the terrifying god figure in my own life, abusing myself and others; I want to be human, honest and free of the burdens of rage.

I’m Not That Girl by Cynthia Erivo / Insecurity

I don’t know why Erivo’s rendition of “I’m Not That Girl” from the Wicked movie hit so hard for me this year. It’s not just her gorgeous vocals that make it such a stunning song. It’s her delivery, the sweet, sorrowful despair in the way she sings that lets us know she knows herself, and she knows she was not meant to have one of the things she desires the most. It’s a heart-wrenchingly beautiful number. The way Erivo sings “don’t dream too far”—oh my god. I’m not crying, you’re crying.

Accepting who you are means accepting who you’re not, and accepting the feelings of doubt and hopelessness that accompany that. We will always have that natural insecurity of not being the ideal person in our minds. We are never satisfied with ourselves and it’s so easy to feel second best, and this song captures that so emotionally.

Spear of Justice by Toby Fox / Motivation

Yes, an Undertale song is on my 2024 list of favorite songs. Fight me.

After all this talk about my anger and my insecurity, I want to talk about what has motivated me this year: becoming a stronger person by being authentically myself.

As a people pleaser, I used to feel ashamed of letting any real part of myself slip through. I was embarrassed of the things I liked, ashamed of the things I didn’t like, and always felt like a loser or an outsider. But we only live one time on this goddamn earth, and it’s way too short a time to be pretending to know things we don’t and not to know things we love. And all of a sudden, with being myself came this confidence and strength I hadn’t even known I possessed, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

Also—not to tie feminism into this too hard now, as I often do with everything—but this fun, inspirational, upbeat battle song is a character named Undyne’s theme, and Undyne was one of those characters who changed everything for me. She let younger me, and the older me, see how powerful, bold, and incredible so many women are.

There’s no box to be put in, no opportunity that is beyond your reach, when you are yourself in the way Undyne was. There’s no right way to be a warrior or a woman, and Undyne’s bravery and passion, not to mention her strength, is so inspiring to me for how much she helped me see what women could be.

Please play Undertale, guys. It is so worth it. It’s as deep as I’m making it sound, I swear.

Shameless plug:

Heaven by Mitski / LOVE

I had the absolute privilege of seeing Mitski live last year, and hearing this song right in front of me made me so emotional. It is so lovely. The gentle guitar and Mitski’s gorgeous, gentle vocals send me swaying and swooning into another dimension.

Heaven is an ode to love, to sharing passion with another person. It makes me think of how lucky I am to have my boyfriend and the long relationship we’re shared. To experience such a special connection with another person is a privilege in this life, not a gurantee. I am so endlessly grateful and happy to have my other half, my person, my soulmate with me in the here and now.

To be able to treasure the love I feel and have through music is something truly magical, and Mitski touches on that so prominently here. It’s an amazing song; the whole album is amazing. God, I love love.

These were just a few songs that really stuck with me this year. Living is hard, but music carries us through.

Leave some of your favorite songs in the comments! ♥️