i love you

(Note: I am not a Vocal+ member but I decided to write this for fun instead of for money.)

18-year-old pop phenomenon Billie Eilish has risen into incredible, prominent, global fame in the last year. Her debut song, dreamy love ballad ocean eyes, garnered millions of listen on SoundCloud and the attention of several big name labels. Billie's 2017 EP, don't smile at me, debuted in the US, UK, Canada, and Australia in the Top 15 Charts. Finally, with the release of her first LP album WHEN WE ALL FALL ASLEEP, WHERE DO WE GO? last March, Billie made the astronomical leap from relatively popular to the biggest global pop sensation in the 21st Century.

I am an avid listener to Billie's music. I first discovered her in late April of 2019, just in time for WHEN WE ALL FALL ASLEEP, WHERE DO WE GO? I had deep dived into Spotify on a desperate quest to discover new, fresh music aside from my usual weird-ass punk-R&B-EDM-rap-jazz-alternative genre extravaganza. wish you were gay sank its lovely teeth into my ears and dragged me down the Billie Eilish rabbit hole, a domain from which most do not return. My quest was a success (although I'm now certifiably addicted).

Amongst her vast array of dark-alternative-pop songs, none of them top my personal favorite: my go-to, sob-my-eyes-out, life changing song i love you.

Let me tell you right now: I have never been in love in my entire 17 years of living. It's hard enough to make small talk with the same gender, let alone engage with a guy I may or may not be attracted to. To my very core, I am introverted (and insecure, which is a horrible, socially-crippling concoction I have been cursed with). I am more than happy to drift around in the sidelines while I watch others on the field play this delicate and violent game called love. Yes to crushes. Yes to incredibly unlikely but possible fantasies where I'm actually pursued by the male counterpart instead of staring creepily from outside in like a female Michael Myers.

But love? Real love? No way in hell. Impossible! I had declared to myself.

But I didn't know what love felt like until I heard i love you (here's the link to her live performance of it down below).

https://youtu.be/mhmGwTDpPf0

People tend to sugarcoat the word "love." We throw it around like a goddamn hackey sack, from one person to the next, like it's a game. In some ways it is. However, like in every game, you can win and you can lose. Sometimes you lose more often than not.

In the words of Billie Eilish, "Love is the scariest feeling in the world." That is an understatement. Love scares the crap out of me. Love forces you to be open, honest, real with people. Love is hard. You will disagree, fight, say things you mean and don't mean, make up, and then start again. Love is a constant example of sacrifice, not something you can turn on and off like a lightswitch or a TV remote.

In i love you, Billie outlines every part of love, not just certain facets of it. The song takes you on the harrowing journey of it all. The ups and downs of "It's not true, tell me I've been lied to." The terror of loving someone against your will, no matter how hard you try to push them away. "I love you, but I don't want to." The sleepless nights ("Up all night, on another red-eye,") where you overthink conversations again and again and again, trying to read between the lines and catch the mixed signals.

Love is terrifying. Love is exhilarating. Love makes you cry. Love makes you smile. Love is huge, a mountain, love is a tiny tear drop of heartache. Loving someone, truly and unconditionally, will be the hardest thing you'll ever do.

But love is worth that, don't you think?