I Don't Want a Relationship Anyways

How lonely am I, you ask?

Well, we have been in this pandemic for almost a whole year and I have made about two big adjustments to my life.

1. Wearing a mask.

2. Remembering my mask.

So yeah, life hasn’t changed much for me; a bit of loneliness, a spice of depression, and a whole lot of single; which I might add this pandemic has given me a great excuse to not want to mingle anymore. (Not like I really did in the first place.)

Not all people who are single are depressed or lonely though. That’s not the narrative here. Except, it is mine. Trust me, the goal is to eventually be the single, yet fun and rich aunt one day; except I’m still acting as if me being single is a choice I am making and not my destiny at this point.

Some say I’m just bitter and sometimes I have to ask myself, am I?

The answer about 99% of the year is no. Then comes the extraordinary long month of February and my inability to feel real human emotions is put to the test when all the “happy” couples that MUST share their love story grace their presence on my timeline.

Whenever I feel the slip of my tongue getting ready to say something bitter though I just put my headphones in and try to not dwell on the fact that I am single. Like. Really single. So single it should be illegal at this point single.

So, for one day a year I scroll all the way down to my “I DON’T EVEN WANT A RELATIONSHIP ANYWAYS” playlist and turn it all the way up.

Without further introduction welcome to the soundtrack of my lonely ass trying to act better than I feel.

8. Bad At Love - Halsey

Is it commitment, intimacy, or childhood trauma issues that prevent me from finding love? Like every Valentine’s Day, I must start off with questioning the real reasons I might be single, and Halsey clearly sums up how I feel in just the title alone.

7. We Can’t Stop - Miley Cyrus

If Bangerz-era Miley Cyrus didn’t awaken your inner comfort at being single, then have you ever been single before? She was my mental breakdown before I even knew what a mental breakdown was. She cut her hair, smoked some weed, and twerked on a man twice her age with no f**** to give. This song reminds me that my life is my own personal party and I don’t have to stop for anybody.

6. Fancy - Iggy Azalea Feat. Charli XCX

Why this no doubt will go down in history as one of the most overplayed, annoying, and cringiest songs of our generation, it pretty much mirrors me at a party. And as I conclude every year during Valentine’s Day, my life is a party and I apologize to no one on how I choose to dance through it. This song makes me love my depression, my hoodie-leggings combination of a style, and my singlehood. I truly believe there is nothing fancier.

5. Girls in the Hood - Meghan Thee Stallion

This woman basically became 2020 with all her hot girl s*** going on. Once I determine I am single and fancy, I realize that I am also a bad bitch that is sick of motherf****** telling me how to live. (It’s the lyrics, sometimes they just take over my thinking.) This song reminds me that I don’t need a man to feel loved, powerful, or confident in how I choose to live my life.

4. 7 Rings - Ariana Grande

So far I have accomplished part of my fantasy of being the single and fun aunt through this playlist. Now I just need to add the last ingredient and play the song that makes me rap, dance, and pretend my 2007 Toyota with the license plate hanging off is actually a lamborghini pulling up to my four-story mansion in Beverly Hills and not my daycare job. Who else to wrap this fantasy up than Ms. Ariana Grande herself? I mean, come on! This song is literally what I imagine would play when I walk into Christmas dinner freshly off my private jet from my most recent lavish vacation while my sisters enviously stare at me drinking straight out of a vodka bottle, WISHING THEY HAD MY LIFE.

3. Sorry Not Sorry - Demi Lovato

Do I have a stupid ex that secretly stalks my Instagram and has major regret giving me up now that I’ve glow-ed up since he last saw me like this song suggest? No. Do I look like a ten and feel like a savage and the baddest bitch to walk this earth by simply working on me and loving me though? Also no.

But, like the whole “I’m going to be the fun and single aunt” scenario, it’s nice to dream and this song definitely brings that confidence out in me that normally doesn’t exist. Demi belts so well in this song she actually makes me believe that I sound good belting this out in my bedroom with my powder brush as my microphone.(FYI, I don’t and neither do you.)

2. IDGAF - Dua Lipa

If it hasn’t been obvious yet, I’ve been single for about...my entire life. So, on a post-breakup level, I can’t relate to this song. But the part where she literally says, “Well boy I don’t give a f***” really hits home, because SAME. This song also is the much needed reminder that MEN. AIN’T. S***. So yeah, have fun celebrating your Valentine’s Day with your cheater, liar, and/or player of a boyfriend. (Disclaimer, this is me NOT being bitter.)

1. Truth Hurts - Lizzo

IT WAS A CULTURAL RESET.

If I’m being honest….if I took a DNA test I would definitely be 100% that depressed bitch but that’s besides the point. If this song doesn’t make you proud, loud, and loving the fact that you don’t have to deal with keeping up with another human being on what they may or may not like for a made-up holiday, again, are you even single?

Lizzo speaks for ALL of us, the girls, the gays, and theys when she sings, “I put the ‘sing’ in single!” AND LET ME TELL YOU, I HAVE NOT BEEN UPSET ABOUT BEING SINGLE SINCE.

I might be sad the rest of the 364 days of the year, but on this particular holiday all I have to say is: IDGAF about the fact that I am bad at love, because the girls in the hood are always fancy and um, sorry not sorry, but me, myself, and I, we can’t stop just like Brady with his 7 rings; the truth hurts like that.

See what I did there?

Thankfully like every day, Valentine’s Day also comes to a close and so does my playlist. And what kind of playlist would this be if I didn’t have that one song that has me screaming into an empty wine bottle while laying in my bathtub fully dressed with a box of chocolate spilled all over me. This is what I like to call my encore song; the song that reminds me tomorrow starts the next cycle of being single for yet another year.

Encore Song: Chandelier - Sia

Either you know this song and know exactly why this would be on my anti-Valentine’s Day playlist or you’re mentally stable. There is no in between.

Yes, I am aware this is a small playlist, but truthfully, the REAL playlist of my single life is like a rollercoaster, with a lot more lows than I am willing to share. This time of year is when I reach the highs though, because Valentine’s Day sucks, but those next-day sales don’t, you feel me?

In all seriousness whether you are staying single, staying alive, or barely staying sane this one-day holiday season, just remember to act better than you feel when seeing all the couples showering each other with gifts. And if you need help with that, well maybe try a mask! It’s more for just stopping the spread, trust me.

Happy National Single Awareness Day, stay bitter my friends.