HER

After HER by SkyDxddy was released at the end of January, I knew that I had to make people familiar with it. I know for a fact that at least one person reading this will relate to the lyrics, likely relating heavily. To be honest, I knew about three weeks before it was released because she had a lot of teasers on Facebook... I knew the chorus, every word, before it was on Spotify.

"I've been seeing stars."

This line alone says a lot when you're deep in the eating disorder. The malnutrition causes a lot of issues, especially dizziness. It's still an issue for me because I'm still inconsistent with food intake. It seems like a lot of people think that anorexia is the only eating disorder with malnutrition but that's far from true. For example, with bulimia, you don't actually digest the nutrients that you consume.

I have OSFED (other specified feeding and eating disorder) and it alternates between binging/purging and restricting so there's definitely not enough nutrients. I haven't binged/purged since the end of November but restriction is still an issue. The dietician I'm with now is helping me improve it a lot though.

"I'm body positive until it's mine. Fighting for an hourglass and running out of time."

One of the criteria for eating disorders is body dysmorphia. Someone can look the exact same way and a lot of people seem to think the other person looks great but they're too fat, even if they're underweight, such as in anorexia.

"Just an innocent compliment, I bet they didn't mean it. Even if they did, I bet I still wouldn't believe it."

I, and everyone I've met in person with an eating disorder, don't believe compliments about anything. This was extremely apparent when we had to compliments ourselves and other people. The trouble believing it was visible on everyone's faces (even mine - I could feel warmth from disbelief and discomfort, assuming it was all lies).

"Thought when I got older that this feeling would be gone."

I'm not sure about other people who struggle with eating disorders and what people around them are like but when I started to struggle around 11/12, people told me I would be comfortable with my body after I was done with puberty. That wasn't true though. It made it worse because I was uncomfortable with a lot of features of my body, especially fat distribution.

"If I could go back in time, I would tell her she looks divine and I would guide her 'til she changed her mind and never questioned who she was... And I'd tell her all about the woman that she will become."

This part is still hard because I still haven't changed much mentally about my own body. I've changed thoughts about food though... It took a month and a half to recognize that all food help with some sort of nutrition, just some have more nutritional value than others. I am working hard to be at a point where that is true for me though.

"You're so much more than just a body that needs measuring so instead of counting calories, you can count on me."

This line just made me smile. Even though I still care about the scale number way too much, it's helpful to know I'm not alone. Sure, I don't know her, but it's comforting.

"I think that I'm addicted to this sickness and I'm slowly dying but I'm the only witness."

Eating disorders are absolutely an addiction. They do kill slowly, often times people don't see the sickness until they are in a hospital. Out of the 12 people I met in 2 months, at least two people came after being hospitalized. Those are just the ones who were open about it.

"I'm losing more than just a gap between my thighs. Fighting for an hourglass and fighting for my life."

People lose so much more than their appearance... Friends, happiness, interest in former hobbies... They seem to disintegrate.

"I'm unlearning, unhurting, untelling myself I have to earn it. Is it worth it? Is it worth it? It's not worth it."

This is what I have been most excited to talk about since the beginning of the piece... It makes me cry every time because it hits so close to home. I taught myself to cope using an unhealthy relationship with food, so I'm unlearning that behavior. The pain from suffering with an eating disorder for 12/13 years is something that became normal, even comfortable, to me but I shouldn't be in that pain so I'm working on unhurting from it. Most importantly... I spent too long telling myself "you didn't burn enough calories so you should skip (meal)" or, more commonly, "you ate breakfast without purging, you don't need dinner." Those shouldn't be requirements for proper nutrition.