Shake it Out

I have made so much progress in my eating disorder recovery that it is SCREAMING for control again. With this progress comes WAY more fighting. I thought it was bad a month ago and now I cry when meals are placed in front of me. I'm breaking but I need to stay strong... For myself. I'm doing that through music that helps me. One of those songs is Shake it Out. Almost every line has a deep meaning to what I'm going through.

"Regrets collect like old friends. Here to relive your darkest moments. I can see no way, I can see no way."

I haven't gotten out of the darkness completely but as I start to get there, I have so many regrets... I lashed out at my therapist a few weeks ago (she's amazing but the eating disorder took over my thoughts with what we were talking about), I have avoided so many friends, isolated from family, and so much more in the depths of my eating disorder. I feel like a terrible person for all of it and sometimes I think there's no way I can ever be forgiven.

"Every demon wants his pound of flesh. I like to keep some things to myself."

As I've been battling this demon, everything has been ripped from the real me. It has stolen what I love doing. It has stolen stuff as simple as truly enjoying something as basic as a bowl of ice cream. It has told me food is bad, so it is trying to take away my body... The one thing that should be mine.

"It's always darkest before the dawn."

Since my second week, I have known that it would get harder before it gets easier. I just wasn't aware of how much harder it would get. I don't know how long the hard part will last. I'm hoping if I keep fighting my ass off, it will be shorter than if I just barely try.

"I can never leave the past behind."

While I am getting through this difficult time, it is a part of my life and my history of what made me... Me.

"Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground."

Like I said, I will keep fighting. I need to not feel trampled on by how it makes me feel. I can't live stuck afraid of food. I can't be stuck in the endless cycle.

"And it's hard to dance with the devil on your back, so shake him off."

Having an eating disorder is very hard in general but then consider you're living in a world where everything revolves around food (like Thanksgiving). You can't enjoy it if there's a really heavy thing on your mind.

"'Cause I am done with my graceless heart. So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart."

Eating disorders truly cloud your judgement A LOT. You aren't fully yourself. Leading into the second part, cutting your heart out and restarting is the equivalent of recovery, where you can become yourself.

"And it's hard to dance with the devil on your back. And given half the chance, would I take any of it back? It's a fine romance but it's left me so undone."

I felt this was important because while eating disorders are negative, many people don't understand why someone would develop one... It's a coping skill. In my case, it happened because of a lack of control. My seizures started and all freedom was taken away so I turned to what I could... Food. At one point, it did serve a purpose and I won't deny that. However, now it is just hurting me. To be honest, I don't know if I completely regret letting it be a coping skill. I do regret letting it go on for so long before getting help.

"And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't."

Sometimes (especially the last three days), eating has been extremely hard. If I don't complete meals, I'm upset. If I do complete them, my eating disorder gets PISSED and I have started to use that as motivation.

"And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope. It's a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat."

This is beyond true for me right now... I have been suffering so much because of grieving the eating disorder, making it scream into my ears as I am working on killing it. (For that wording, imagine it's a parasite on the host (me). It's trying to survive.) While I have those incredibly hard battles, I am starting to have hope. I'm realizing the stuff that's possible when I don't have a parasite latched onto my every thought.