Driving Lessons

It's 2010 and I'm standing on the cusp of graduation at seventeen years old with zero idea of what I am, and all I have is this beat down Mazda Protégé with balding tires and some small-town back roads that nobody frequents past 9PM.

All my pocket change is spent as gas money so that I can go nowhere as fast and as often as possible. I go out while everyone else is asleep and my mom works the night shift, stocking shelves from 11pm until 7am the next day. This is my regular routine and it doesn't seem to pay much mind to any particular day of the week.

My car has never heard of an AUX cord so I burn a CD for every occasion, and I throw them in a pile on my passenger seat because I don't really care if one scratches and skips sometimes because I'm not perfect either and that's OK, I think.

There is no type of order for the track lists except for what I feel is correct and I don't write down the order on the disc because somehow I just know which is which by the way it feels in my hand even with my eyes on the road.

So it's a Tuesday night, or something, and I don't know where I am exactly, but I'm driving, and I hit the eject button on my stereo and I shuffle through the pile and grab this-

1. COLLECT CALL - Metric

I tried harder to decipher the lyrics of Emily Haines than I did my own scattered thoughts. I sang the lyrics through smiles and tears and thought I needed someone to comfort me in the same way that this song did; I needed someone to fit my moods the same way this song did. Someone to melt between the cracks of me and fill the places that were left amidst my growing pains.

For some reason I thought I had to find that in another person, and it would be years before I thought to find that in myself.

2. LUV DELUXE - Cinnamon Chasers

I still have dreams of endless roads and this song is playing on repeat.

So, I'm speeding a bit more than I'm proud to tell you, but the road begins to wind through these unlit streets and the gaps begin to grow between the houses and I feel free. This road might go on forever, or it might not, but it doesn't really matter because I'm going wherever that is regardless of the destination.

3. SOMETHING IN THE WATER - Brooke Fraser

And then there's this track that just never fails to make my heart sing; never fails to make me spin my volume knob faster than my speakers can get louder. I never skip this song, not then and still not now.

I think Brooke Fraser used this song to teach me that some things are just so inherently, and obviously, good that they don't need to spend time convincing you that they are. They'll come when they come, and you'll know when you know.

4. THE BONES OF YOU - Elbow

When you treat every new love like it's your first then you end up with a lot of songs that get ruined for you each time the relationship ends. So the younger me ruined a lot of music for herself, but somehow this song survived the blood bath. I can't even remember where it came from, or which boy had to exclaim he was the one who showed it to me every time it played in my car (like he owned it, or something), but it's been long enough now that I feel comfortable saying it's mine.

5. BIG BLACK CAR - Gregory Alan Isakov

If at the end of my life I get to see tallies and scores of all the things I've done then I can guarantee that I have spent more time sitting alone in empty parking lots with this song on repeat then I would care to admit. Some songs feel like therapy, feel like they can coax you into processing the things you would rather bury, and some times we need that more than we need to lie about being OK.

The disc begins to skip, and I think it's an absolute miracle that I got this far before that started, but I'd rather spend the night on the side of the road then drive home in silence so I let it stutter through the rest.

6. CHINESE TRANSLATION - M. Ward

I don't know if I'm much 'wiser', but the lonelier, younger, me will eventually grow to become someone who is comfortable enough with themselves and all the thoughts that come with silence. They won't be scared to say things aloud in their own voice, like they're speaking it into some kind of permanence. They'll still go for drives, and they won't spend more time looking at the rearview mirror than they do at the road, it won't feel like running away every time they pull out their keys.

7. HOMECOMING - Kanye West, Chris Martin

I like think I've become just the right amount of nostalgic. I won't easily leave behind the things that no longer serve me, like these songs, I will just try to appreciate them as they are now and not just how they have been before.

8. O MY HEART - Mother Mother

I am also learning to extend that same kindness to myself.

THE FULL PLAYLIST ON SPOTIFY.