Driver's License

I got my driver's license last week

Just like we always talked about

'Cause you were so excited for me

To finally drive up to your house

But today I drove through the suburbs

Crying 'cause you weren't around

And you're probably with that blonde girl

Who always made me doubt

She's so much older than me

She's everything I'm insecure about

Yeah, today I drove through the suburbs

'Cause how could I ever love someone else?

And I know we weren't perfect but I've never felt this way for no one

And I just can't imagine how you could be so okay now that I'm gone

Guess you didn't mean what you wrote in that song about me

'Cause you said forever, now I drive alone past your street

And all my friends are tired

Of hearing how much I miss you, but

I kinda feel sorry for them

'Cause they'll never know you the way that I do, yeah

Today I drove through the suburbs

And pictured I was driving home to you

And I know we weren't perfect

But I've never felt this way for no one, oh

And I just can't imagine how you could be so okay, now that I'm gone

I guess you didn't mean what you wrote in that song about me

'Cause you said forever, now I drive alone past your street

Red lights, stop signs

I still see your face in the white cars, front yards

Can't drive past the places we used to go to

'Cause I still fuckin' love you, babe (ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh)

Sidewalks we crossed

I still hear your voice in the traffic, we're laughing

Over all the noise

God, I'm so blue, know we're through

But I still fuckin' love you, babe (ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh)

I know we weren't perfect but I've never felt this way for no one

And I just can't imagine how you could be so okay, now that I'm gone

'Cause you didn't mean what you wrote in that song about me

'Cause you said forever, now I drive alone past your street

Yeah, you said forever, now I drive alone past your street

--------

I heard this song for the first time today - a precocious song by 17-year old Olivia Rodrigo - which brought me to tears. These last three weeks have been a bit difficult for me since the realization dropped regarding two guys who violated me without consent at my alma mater (See previous essay on "Patriarchy found me"). Additionally, with the snowstorm in Chicago and your truly traipsing around Chicago in subzero temperatures in search of housing (see previous poem on "Epithet for a Perpetrator"), I deeply can empathize with her newly-released song lyrics - this song topped No. 1 on international charts since it was released on January 8, 2021 for several weeks now. When I heard this song, my hardened heart thawed a bit and I could feel again for the first time in two weeks, it seems like. Sometimes, deluged by the vicious news cycle, one can't help but to feel that this world can be a bit grimy sometimes..but this lilting song and the universal song lyrics about first love or young love really resonated with me. On a Sunday like today with zero temperature, it was nice to hear these raw lyrics and the accompanying piano accompaniment, a huge contrast to the cold outer terrains and the chill that seems to have set in almost surreptitiously in this region in the last few weeks.

Especially amidst the craziness of the Coronovirus epidemic, I found myself reminiscing about things, places, memories and people to keep myself grounded and to help add meaning to these difficult days. When I pass by houses, as the lyrics above state ("I still see your face in white houses, front yards"), I am reminded of certain friends or memories that tie me to a specific place or point in time, reminding me of better days of the past. It is as if I am the one driving in the suburbs in my car, driving past the row of houses, neatly-manicured lawns and sprinklers and swing-sets and inviting warm, trees, yet feeling a bit unsettled and amiss about something -- perhaps about the raging epidemic or about my ambivalence towards my first Love or about the uncertainty of what tomorrow holds....

But it is treat or a gift when a song surfaces every once in a while that really captures your attention and brings to a softer place in your heart, reminding of the better version of yourself. I guess most of us, underneath the surface and the years of hardness have a story of First Love or that person who broke your heart or a friend who always brings a warm smile to your face, even in the midst of an epidemic. I am so grateful for this song and feel so blessed to have stumbled this song on an otherwise humdrum and a bit of a dreary of a Sunday..Today, I also happened to find out that ma petite souer and her dog Fuzzie might be moving halfway across the country (see previous poem on "The Loneliest New Year's Eve")...I was so saddened but this song melted my heart albeit for a few moments, reminding me of who I really am before the realization of the violations, my innocence, of naivete of youth, of Love and of the history of Love.

So here I am, writing again after a few days of hiatus, and feeling more hopeful and a bit more innocent about Life and about the future even though the world around us is a bit dark and seems to be a never-ending cycle of Coronovirus-related news...and I am able to look at the world through rosy-tinted lens again! And I am ruminating again, which is a good sign for me...The world seems to be going haywire, but this timely song reminded me that there is still a lot to cling onto and help us keep on going...