Before He Goes

“Before He Goes"

(Verse 1)


The room was dim, the air was thin


A quiet moment that felt like sin


His eyes, they searched, but I couldn’t speak


My heart was heavy, knees were weak

He asked me softly, voice so low


If I’d ever walk down that road


With a whisper in the silence, slow


"Will you be married before I go?"

(Chorus)


And in his dying breath, he asked me so


"Will you be married before I go?"


I couldn’t look him in the eye


I just shook my head and let him cry


"Never getting married?" He whispered, low


And I couldn’t say a word, I just let it go

(Verse 2)


The days have passed and I still hear


The weight of that question, loud and clear


His love was patient, his heart was kind


But I never gave him peace of mind

He wanted to know if I’d find my way


If love would come, if I’d be okay


But all I could do was stand there still


Wondering if I ever will

(Chorus)


And in his dying breath, he asked me so


"Will you be married before I go?"


I couldn’t look him in the eye


I just shook my head and let him cry


"Never getting married?" He whispered, low


And I couldn’t say a word, I just let it go

(Bridge)


Now I carry that question like a ghost


A truth I’m not ready to tell the most


Did I let love slip away or was it fate?


I don’t know the answer, I just wait

(Chorus)


And in his dying breath, he asked me so


"Will you be married before I go?"


I couldn’t look him in the eye


I just shook my head and let him cry


"Never getting married?" He whispered, low


And I couldn’t say a word, I just let it go.

This was a conversation that my dad and I had about two weeks before he passed. Of course, I had no idea at the time that he would have so little time left. Getting married has always been a sore subject for me, I have never quite found anyone that I wanted to marry. I have been dating the same guy for about 10 years, and in the beginning of our relationship that is all he talked about; getting married.

Of course, I fell into the trap. The trap of moving across state for this guy, moving into his house on the premise that we would soon get married, It never happened. It will never happen; I learned from a fight that we had some time ago. I still haven't moved out, call it stupid or lazy or whatever, but my dad knew nothing of this. He thought we were still madly in love. I just didn't have the heart to tell him when he was alive. I didn't have the heart to tell him that he would never see his little girl walk down the aisle.

I wish I could have done things differently. I wish that maybe I should have told him that I was going to get married, to give him that peace of mind before he passed. To let him have a brief moment of happiness as his frail body was turning against him at the end.

I never wanted to tell my dad that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship, I never wanted him to worry about me. I wanted him to think that I was always safe.

I think he knows now.

I hope he is still proud of me.