An Elebration: A Playlist for my Daughter

We found out I was pregnant with my daughter Eleanor on February 1, 2020, and just a few weeks later, the world shut down due to the COVID-19 pandemic. My husband, Sean, was furloughed from his job at a commercial real estate firm (later to be laid off two months before my due date), and my job as a paralegal switched to a remote position. While working from home while dealing with severe first trimester illness was a blessing, our lives felt truly uncertain. Did I mention we were also trying to buy our first house? 2020 was a doozy of a year for our household--and it wouldn't calm down after my daughter was born.

The night of October 14, five days after my due date and the day before I was to be induced, I started experiencing contractions. A quick call to the nurse line told us we should go to the hospital, and we assumed I was beginning a regular, healthy labor and that we'd be meeting our daughter in a few short hours. What we did not know was that an infection was quickly developing in utero that would necessitate an emergency C-section within an hour of us arriving at the hospital, our newborn aspirating "the most meconium" my surgeon had ever seen, and a three-month stay at the PICU in a nearby hospital where she was transferred twelve hours after birth due to her birth hospital running out of intervention options.

We did not get to see or hear our baby for the first five hours of her life. We did not even know if she was okay or if she would make it, but those details are a story for another time.

I finally held her for the first time on November 13, 2020. We had a short window between switching out the dialysis machine filters, and I got to hold her while the dialysis nurse switched out the equipment. It took an army of nurses and doctors to get her in my lap. and we only had a brief ten minutes or so together, but for the first time since she was born, I finally truly felt like a mother.

The next morning, I woke to the dreaded sound of my phone ringing. I immediately recognized the number I knew too well by heart--the PICU. Eleanor was not reacting well to the new dialysis filter, they could not get her to stabilize, and we needed to get to the hospital immediately.

We spent an agonizingly tumultuous day at the hospital before she finally steadied and were able to go home where we spent the evening doing our nightly trauma ritual of eating some form of take-out (usually Subway from the hospital lobby), watching Curb Your Enthusiasm, me pumping, and sleeping on the oversized sectional because neither of us could stand to go upstairs where we would inevitably see Eleanor's empty room.

The next day, though better than the last, saw me at the hospital solo as my husband was feeling sick--no doubt from the prolonged stress we'd been under for a month without break. I was happy to report back that our little girl was finally starting to show improvement after the treatment team made the decision to stop dialysis in hopes of her kidneys beginning to work again on their own.

By November 16, she had stabilized enough for me to hold her again, and this was something special. Because she was no longer attached the dialysis machine, I got to hold her for much longer, and without a room full of nurses and doctors. For the first time, it was just the two of us. Her nurse closed the door, and I was hers and she was mine.

She stared up me with these impossibly big blue eyes, and I felt a song in my heart. My voice cracked as I tried to quietly serenade my tiny little girl, and she just stared right back at me.

"Rainbow Connection"

I'd always liked this song, but it became a favorite a few years ago when I sang it with a choir. It quickly became a comfort song that I listened to many, many times when I was pregnant, and it was the first song that came to mind when I looked into Ellie's eyes. To this day, I sing it to her at least one a day, and now she sings along with me. Teaching her this song and hearing her voice sing it will forever be one of the highlights of my life.

"You'll Be In My Heart"

Saccharine, yes, but any parent will tell you that this song is a perfect exemplification of the protection and overwhelming love that you feel for your child. This was especially true for me surrounded by the hideous beeps and drones of the ICU.

"A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes"

Always a fan of Cinderella, I had this song on one of my first CDs when I was a kid. It was on a Disney song compilation, and I remember belting out this song from the time I was four, and it's now one of the "classics" when I do one of my near-daily "Mom-certs" for my girl. (Good dad joke, right?)

Our little cuddle session ended listening to the music of her room--the drones of machines administering medicine, monitors overhead alerting us to her various levels, alarms up and down the hall, keyboards clacking rhythmically under busy fingers, and the pitter patter of feet outside the sliding glass door. Her little eyelids grew heavy as she finally nodded off in my arms.

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After the longest 88 days of my entire life, our daughter finally came home on January 10, 2021, just a few days shy of three months old. On our way to hospital the morning of the 10th, Sean and I sat quietly in the car, nervous, but so ready for what was coming next. Brandi Carlile's lilting melody came surrpetitiously from the car speakers as we drove on, ready for the next chapter in our early parenting journey.

"The Mother"

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The next few months were hard, to say the least. I had used every ounce of PTO while Eleanor was in the hospital and Sean was back to work, too, at a new, inflexible job. Eleanor, despite her immense and truly miraculous recovery, still required an incredible amount of care. She was fed via g tube, and though we were working on weaning medications, we were at one point administering various medications up to eight times a day, all in addition to regular newborn things, OT, PT and countless, and I mean countless, outpatient tests and appointments.

But we did it. She continued to grow and thrive, and in early November 2021, she had discovered her first true musical love (outside of mommy's stellar Kermit the Frog tribute act):

Ed Sheeran.

"Sandman"

I know this entire Equals album front to back, because it was Eleanor's favorite. She overheard Ed Sheeran as the musical guest on SNL when Sean and I were watching one week and crawled over to the laptop to watch the entire performance, bouncing up and down as only babies do.

My mom got her the album on CD (so old-fashioned, I know). There were nights when the only thing that would comfort her or stop crying, was to listen to this album. Sandman will forever be the most sonically pleasing song (sorry, Ed Sheeran fans) on this album, and hearing this song instantly takes me back to this very specific time in our lives, right before and after her first birthday

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"Life's a Happy Song"

Ellie loves The Muppets. Perhaps I inadvertently instilled her with a deep love for Kermit after listening to his comforting, froggy voice so many times. We introduced her to The Muppets movie (2011) sometime earlier this year, and listening to the soundtrack is a favorite past-time in our house.

This song makes me laugh. It's cheeky, silly, hopeful, an inescapable earworm, and somehow manages to capture the innocence and joy of my sweet, little miracle girl.

A now healthy 2 1/2 year old, Ellie absolutely loves music and singing. The joy in her voice and body as she croons a little song is pure magic. These songs are just a few of the many that I will forever associate with my daughter and her roller coaster first two years of her life.