Zoe Le Fevre

I Belong

I was born in Vancouver BC, Canada far away from my "home" village of Alert Bay, BC (home of the Namgis First Nations). My mother was a widow very early in her life, after having two children with her late husband. At 19 years old she gave birth to me in hiding and quickly returned to Alert Bay. She left so quickly she forgot to sign the paperwork to give me up for adoption. The Social Worker had to fly up and get her signature before I could be released. The hospital had thought my "new" dad was my "real" dad as they were both fishermen on the coast of BC and tall and skinny. My new family is Caucasian and I had a older brother by three years. My brothers name is Benjamin and he had blond straight hair and blue eyes, opposite of me with Brown curly hair and brown eyes. I was deeply loved in my new home and we lived fairly well. Growing up, I always felt different, I felt I was treated different, acted different, and most of all looked different. When I was 10 years old, my parents had a daughter and her name is Sophia. Directly after Sophia's birth my parents separated and then divorced. All three of us kids felt differently about the divorce, but we all found it difficult. The way my parents disciplined me and the rules they kept were odd to me. I could feel it inside that some rules did not make sense to me and I really had no idea why. Most things felt different to me so I just got used to being different. For many years I ignored that I was First Nations and was in very little contact if any with other First Nations people or culture. My parents tried to teach me but I just wanted to be like my siblings and pushed it away. I had a hard time learning in school and there was talk about me possibly having learning disability or FAS, or ADHD, we were not given any previous medical history. I became a successful Chef for 10 years that ended in a traumatic car accident that left my right ankle fused with 6 inch plate and a huge screw directly up my heal. I was devastated because I found something I loved and that I was good at. After a lengthy rehabilitation, I re-trained and went to Post secondary school. I graduated with my B.S.W. and then shortly after my M.S.W. I had a strong feeling that I wanted to help "MY" people. I worked about three years in or around First Nation reserves within BC. I wanted to learn more about my culture and my language and felt this way I could earn money and learn at the same time. I was completely wrong. I did not understand reserves and all the hurt my people had endured. I was horrified. I had to deal with an incest case and followed it through courts for 2 years. My mental capacity was shot and I started to breakdown from not looking after myself. I turned to drugs. Went to treatment at the Woman's Hospital in Vancouver for 3 months. For the most part it was successful, a few slips here and there. I relocated to Victoria, BC. After five years of living off disability, being homeless, living in shelters, and being unstable I met THE most beautiful man I have ever met. His eyes radiated me, his smile, his laugh, his identical sense of humor....yes, identical! He accepted me for me. He is First Nations but grew up in the states. His family escaped from residential school and ended up in USA. He has lived in Victoria for many years now. He gave me the biggest gift of all in my life, a sense that I belonged somewhere. Something about him made me feel safe, welcomed, and protected, and I knew he would be in my life, at whatever capacity, till the end. I couldn't get enough of him, we were like two peas in a pod, always having fun, laughing lots, and I knew I could trust him. We have walked completely different lives, even at opposite sides of the spectrum, yet there was a deep connection. I saw this connection right from the start, but it took him many deep conversations to realize that we both have similar feelings about our upbringing which has really shaped who were are today. Whatever happens between us, he completes me. Having met him, I feel complete, like he was my missing piece. My tattoo above represents my clan, the Thunderbird, and he represents the Bear claw. May we always be respectful and loyal. Gilakas'la.