vanessa lopez

How my Traumas developed into Major Depressive Disorder and Anxiety mixed with Social Anxiety

Due to the amount of traumas I have developed over years of growing up, I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, Anxiety mixed with Social Anxiety, ADHD, also Hypersexuality. My traumas began when I was 11 years old at that age I have watched my own father die in the hospital bed due to his liver no longer functioning, my father liver was no longer in good condition due to drinking alcohol all day and everyday. Eventually a year passed by, I turned 12 years old and my mom drug addiction have worsen, my mom went into rehab. In the meantime my mom was in rehab my sister and I started to live with an aunt of mine. Months later my mom got out rehab it was back in July. Once my mom got home from rehab a brother of mine who spent almost his whole life in jail left to a little market down the street from our house on his motorcycle to buy my mother a soda. After my brother bought my mother her soda he was on his way home, now as my brother was on his way home, he eventually was struct by a truck. My mother, my siblings, and I were waiting for hours for my brother to come home. After hours on waiting for my brother to come home, helicopters started to flash lights at our house and my family and I were confused. An hour later of the helicopters flashing lights at our house we heard a loud long knock on our house door, my mom answered the door and it was a family friend telling my mom that my brother was struct by a truck. My mom, my siblings and I ran to the scene it was right up the street from our house. I remember seeing my brother crying in pain telling my mom he loves her and that his head hurt, everything hurt my brother he was bleeding out. The ambulance came to the scene and took my brother to the emergency room, I was taken to my aunt house. The next day after the incident, I went home all lost and confused not knowing what happened. I remember seeing family members crying giving me a hug saying they are sorry and I was just lost and confused on the situation, I walked to my sister and my sister told me you know our brother died. After my sister told me that my brother died I felt numb and still confused but was hurting. Ever since the death of my father and brother our lives never been the same. My mom drug addiction have worsen, I started drinking and smoking tobacco at age 13. My mom would repeatedly be in and out of rehabs whenever I lived with her she would hurt my sister and I. My mom tried to kill herself one time with my sister and I in the car. I use to be bullied in school I had developed an eating disorder which was me not really eating and skipping out on classes. Once I have turned 16 years old I continued to consume a lot of alcohol, I was failing classes ditching classes, then I started to get into marijuana for a short amount of time. next thing you know it was late at night I left my house to walk to a friend house, as I was walking to my friend house some strange guy in a car started to follow me, I started walking faster and eventually the guy caught up to me and dragged me into his car and I was crying and screaming in fear. The guy started to put pressure on me and ripped my clothes off as I screamed saying please stop! with tears streaming down my face, but sadly the guy did not listen and he raped me and took my virginity something I could never take back. A week later after I was raped I had to walk to school and as soon as I stepped outside my house I had a severe panic attack that I just skipped out on school and stayed home. Days later I went back to school everything seemed normal except I was living in fear and was paranoid. Then one day I started to hangout with a female friend from school, my friend texted a guy friend of ours and we went over to his house and it was him and his uncles and cousins. My guy friend and his family drugged me and my female friend and tried to rape us, thankfully I got away as soon as possible I ran away trying to figure out how to get home I was crying, going to houses begging for help. An hour later my sister picked me up and took me home I was crying and I told my mom and brother that the guy who drugged me up and tried to rape me was my friend uncle and the guy lied to my family saying he does not know anything that he was never his uncle and that I am crazy. Next thing you know my mom asked me the next morning what happened and I told her the same story and I told how a month ago I was raped walking to a friend house at night, my mom started to cry and she told my entire family about it when I did not want anyone to know. Since those incidents I became more depressed and became homeschooled, being homeschooled did not work for me I was becoming very very depressed. So I started to attend to a new school and everything was going good I made new friends I was happy and I was getting some help with a little therapy. But then I started to spend my days at an uncle house after school because my mom would come home late from work, as I was going over to my uncle house for a month, my uncle started to sexually harass me that I cried to my mom about it and ever since I stopped going to his house. I started to hate myself, I would spend days crying saying I hate being a female, I was very depressed. Years passed by same thing with my mom and her drug addiction me doing marijuana and consuming alcohol, my mom would come home with bruises from her ex girlfriend, my mom and her ex girlfriend eventually had sex in the same room I was sleeping in. I started to cut myself and spent days in the restroom crying on the floor attempting to kill myself. when I was 18 to age 19 I lost myself to alcohol and marijuana I was super depressed I would still harm myself. Again years later I am now 20 years old dealing again with my mom and her drug addiction her losing her mind coming home with more bruises, cussing me out. eventually it got to a point my mom hit me and I was again lost on marijuana and alcohol, I would use to sleep with guys to ignore the fact that I was hurting. I went into a homeless shelter because I did not have a place to live, as I was in the homeless shelter again I was raped and I made a report and nothing happened because the police did not believe I was raped because the guy lied to the cops and made some story up and the cops believed this guy story and said he was innocent and let him lose and now I have to live with fear of men hurting me. Then My mom came home one day with her arm cut up from her crazy ex girlfriend, my mom was bleeding out and I was crying because I was scared of losing my mom. Now I no longer live with my mom, I no longer live in California, I now live in Arizona, I sometimes drink here and there, rarely smoke marijuana now, my mom is again in rehab. I now spend days crying, cutting myself, thinking of killing myself, feeling guilt and shame, having nightmares of being raped, rarely eating, having no energy, losing hair, losing jobs, being unable to focus, concentrate, think properly, and could hardly remember stuff, I also forget about stuff quickly and I tend to be very very slow at everything I do, I have a very high sex drive but when I do have sex I tend to go numb and get grossed out but my family does not believe something is wrong with me they think I fake everything just because they never heard me speak up on it or never seen me sad because I am a master at masking my sadness.