Trinia Carr

Growing Authentically

My Most authentic self appeared most in March of 2020, during the world’s Pandemic. During this time, A host of emotions overwhelmed me. These emotions made me feel unattractive, unloved, unappreciated, unvalued, uncentered, unable to handle my disappointments, etc. I was alone and had to face my younger self, who I hid for almost forty years. During the years, I dealt with my present self who recognized feelings of being vulnerable about my weight, my looks, my recent disability, and being abandoned by family and friends. Growing up as a foster child adopted by a family who was abusive to my sisters and foster brother, These cruel family members never forgot to remind each (us) foster children we weren’t loved, how unstable our parents were, how our parents didn’t love us or could care less about our survival. Years were spent criticizing us (foster children) about family dynamics that occurred before our births. Charter and Body shaming was designed for us to believe our existence on earth had no purpose and we would never “amount to anything.” Unfortunately, these were the abusers’ exact terms, I remember being narcissistic when I was younger. I dislike myself so much I would never look in the mirror. Going to school was my highlight. I could escape being me and could be anybody I felt was prettier, smarter, or cooler. In elementary school, I met a Hispanic girl. She spoke differently from me and I admired that, was beautiful with long hair, and walked with a cute pigeon-toed-like formation. I remember trying to speak, walk, and look like her. I was often made fun of because I was not my authentic self. I felt being myself was ever good enough. The trauma instilled in me as a toddler, child, preteen, teen, and early adult left several scars and self-destructive behavior. I was wounded and tired of not feeling enough. Finally, I decided to heal myself by going to therapy. My Therapist helped me to get to the root of my issues. First, I embrace my authentic self by writing myself letters of apology. In these letters, I wrote about the years I abused, neglected myself, and allowed others to do the same too. Next, I practiced looking in the mirror and practicing saying positive affirmations that uplifted me and fed my soul. Recently, I began addressing my younger self I’ve hidden for years due to embarrassment, abandonment, low self-esteem, low self-image, and emotional wounds I acquired. Also, I completed a vision board that included images of me. My self-discovery has been the cause of many tears, anxiety attacks, accepting my images in the mirror...whether I approve of them or not, painful memories, celebrations of accomplishments, the forgiveness of negative actions, appreciating my growth and discovering my true authentic self. Discovery of my authentic self I’ve learned to fly (First Love Yourself), Embarrass all of me, bad eyesight, my body, my emotions, my habits, my mistakes, my disability, positive moments, dreams, and endeavors, Next, I’ve decided I’m enough and I deserve everything my heart desires and much more. I deserved to be loved and cherished, I deserve forgiveness. I deserve the finer things in life. I deserve acceptance. I deserve the world to embarrass me. I deserved to be heard. I deserved to be acknowledged for who I’ve worked hard to become as opposed to what others want me to be. Presently, I’ve accepted my silence and know that I don’t have to have the last word to be POWERFUL. I no longer have to pretend to be someone other than myself. I learned to be embarrassed. “To become conscious and aware, we must be authentic. Authenticity is the highest form of being.” Teal Swan. “ As I began to love myself I found that anguish and emotional suffering are only warning signs that I was living against my own truth. Today, I know this authenticity.” Charlie Chaplin