Taylor Michelle

Daughter's Confession

Hey mom, I never told you this before but I hated you. That is probably the most perdictable and untrue thing I have ever said; but I can't help the way I feel. When I told you that your first husband tried to do stuff with me, you brushed me off. I was 12. When I told you that your second husband did do things with me, you didn't believe me either. I ran away, I ran away from you and everything that you represented. I was 16, and I started drinking, drinking heavier than I probably should have. I experimented with substances, that now I am so glad I never got addicted to. I hated you for a very long time, even after I got pregnant at 17, even after all the help you offered me and your grandchild. I hated you because you were still with him, and I despised the fact that you loved him more than me. I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry, I wanted to die. Everything that led me to the decision of death, I blamed you for. In my ignorance, I put all that blame on you, never me or your husbands. As I got older and had more children, and then had to go through the traumatic events of my own daughter having to go through what I went through, I was horrified, and I finally hated myself. I couldn't protect her from that pain and the innocence that she lost. It made me wonder what I put you through all those years. I never told you how I felt about you, but I now believe you felt it on some level. I am so sorry for everything I put you through, everything you have suffered alone and in silence. I hope in the future we can become as close as we used to be, I want that for us. I want to feel your love and acceptance again. I want to show you how I have grown up, how I have learned over all the hardships in my life. I want to show you I have found everlasting love, which you would think would make me better at writing romance novels; but I still suck. I want you to see your grandchildren grow up, and to love them as much as I do. Confessing a secret is always hard, it is even harder when you confess to their face, and I have always been better at communicating through writing. Keeping secrets is always a huge weight pressing down on you, as if you might collapse from the pressure. I even had a heart attack because of everything I like to keep bottled up inside. It was the worst experience I have ever been through and I never want to go through it again. Life is hard, and you have to get through so many difficulties and obstacles to get where you want to be in life. I am still going through a lot of obstacles to get where I want to be, but I am glad you are still by my side through it all. Never giving up on me, always loving me. I regret that I haven't told you any of this sooner, maybe we could have repaired what was broken before and all the tragedies I suffered could have been avoided. Maybe the future would have been different, maybe not, but now we have to live with the decisions we have made in the past. There are a few I would like to change, but right now, I am happy. And that's all a girl like me can hope for.