Sweet Jenn
Bio
Optimistic is the way to be I cant let the fear of life stop me from living there are things in life I can not control that might affect me all I control is my reaction so I remain optimistic its happening 4 me not 2 me! 😊
Stories (3)
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Love In A Hopeless Place
My love story with an inmate began in February 2019. I was a single mother of 3, I was in the process of leaving an abusive toxic relationship of 15 years with my ex-husband since December of 2018 he was in and out of my life as he made it difficult to keep him out of my home I would leave to my best friends house to avoid him and his reckless behavior at the time my best friend had a boyfriend who mad some poor choices and had to serve some jail time. My best friend asked if I was interested in a penpal her boyfriend had some new friends asking I wasn't intrigued at the idea turned it down one day we where bored so I agreed and he introduced me to Tony. I had never had a friend or family incarcerated so me communicating with someone incarcerated was something new to me. So as everyone knows most institutions have video calls. So through one of their video calls they let us talk a bit and see each other. Well I gave it a chance who can't use a friend that listens right? But an inmate? He was my first acquaintance incarcerated. I am more of the shy, nice girl that doesn't get in trouble follows the rules all around good girl, independent responsible single mom. I agreed to go with my best friend to visiting in the jail when she went to visit her boyfriend as it is a process to do waiting in a room 30 min prior to them being brought out so I would go keep her company and I did. It being my 1st time visiting an inmate I didn't know what to expect. We would always sit next to each other once they are brought out u see them through a glass window and communicate through a phone depending on their housing location they are assigned a date and time you are allowed a 1 hour to visit once a week with the inmate. So once a week we would go to visit until my BFFs boyfriend was relased. So by that time me and Tony had this unique connection, friendship. He would listen to all my chaos with my ex-husband and his affairs the toxic family environment. He would advise me on some situations eventually I created an account so we may continue to communicate, I continued to visit him in jail. I didn't realize was I had just met my soulmate the synchronicities that where about to start just started to get more and more common and strange. Tony was understanding, patient, funny and Tony felt the same way about me. I was always making jokes and he would laugh he has this loud kind of annoying laugh (Shh..Dont tell him I said that haha) and I my self have a loud annoying laugh too. An other reason we felt to perfect for each other. So when I met him in February he still had about 1 year left on a 3 year scentance. Eventually we became exclusive and decided to start a relationship before he was released. I visited him almost every Saturday and would talk on the video about 1-2 a day 15 min calls. He was so perfectly imperfect for me. It felt like my prayers were answered in the strangest ways. Before meeting Tony I would constantly cry trying to get out of my marriage. My ex would constantly cheat eventually having 4 other children with 2 different females had 2 of his sons a week apart and any time I confronted my ex about cheating it would upset him, so him throwing something at me or shoving me to the floor kick me depending if he was sober or intoxicated how intense the abuse would be. I shed many tears staying in that relationship for 15 years. Most of my crying took place in the shower thinking to myself. I just wanted to meet someone who was funny liked me as much as I like them, tall (as I am tall my self and my ex-husband was shorter than me) a tall man was something I really wanted, I wanted an older man that was 40 but did not look 40 looked to be in his 30s but mature some one I could connect with so when I met him I was shook to find out he was 39 years old, he was 6 feet 4 inches tall, funny and we had an amazing connection we didn't have many disagreements. We would communicate our disagreements as adults with respect until we reached an agreement. I couldn't believe it, how perfectly imperfect he was for me. Tonys unfortunate situation of being incarcerated actually worked in my best interest. He only required 2 hours of my time once a week and 15-30 min phone call a day it worked perfect for me. As any single mom of 3 knows free time or me time is rare. I didn't bring partners around my kids, which made dating for me almost impossible as I didn't have the time. Tony being in jail fit well with my single mom life. My oldest child still had some issues with it feeling I wasn't paying her attention when I would take his calls in my room. We continued to go forward with our relationship. In time my ex-husband the father of my children became aware of my relationship became upset being his usual self begged to take him back with his broken promises I knew he wasn't going to change and I had finally had enough and walked away and he chose to drink his problems away about 4 month after our separation he was in a horrible accident that landed him in ICU for about 2 months and 8 months in a rehabilitation hospital not close to home at that time I was still his wife so his medical decisions I did what was best for him. In part 2 I will talk about how being a wife and a girlfriend got complicated
By Sweet Jenn4 years ago in Confessions
Let It Go
I am sure we all been in love with the wrong person and it can be very painful. It’s not an easy task to let them go, but to be stubborn about it will only cause more harm the longer you stay and if there was a chance of them actually being the person ment for you to try and force the relationship will only get more and more toxic beyond repair. When its real love and true it shouldn’t be painful shouldn’t make you more sad than happy. Only time you should feel pain is when your person is ill or hurt. As well as you shouldn’t be intentionally the cause of that persons pain. If its you who can not love an other right or respect them still must let it go. It’s unhealthy it will make an ugly person in you. The longer you stay in toxic situationships the worse the pain will be, more damage to your self the more that will need to be healed in time you will being to lose yourself. You must not forget your worth and find the strength to let go hopefully before it reaches that point. I didn’t let go till I was lost 18 years in a toxic relationship with an abusive person took its toll on me lost everything and my self. So I encourage you to find the the strength within you and know that you are worthy of real love and respect. We must learn to accept that some people come into our life for a season to teach a lesson. Its our attachment, fear, egos that tend to keep us stuck in situations because its not love. That is not love. If we can accept to let go of what it was and see the relationship for what it is, see the bigger picture, its hard to let go of what your used to but if you could only see the bigger picture that by staying stuck on a person that is not for you in reality you are actually blocking your own blessings. See all that is needed is to learn the lessons they where meant to teach us so when we do meet the ONE! We are ready to build a good healthy relationship with a strong foundation. This person is the one meant to make you feel like the happiest person on earth. That is what you dont see is the true potential of having a healthy relationship and sometimes the person you are so stubborn to hold on to is the one but some healing needs to be done and a separation is needed to be able to appreciate what you did have and work on each ones inner issues. Once the healing had been done your paths may lead you back to that person to have a new beginning to a healthy relationship. If this is true holding on to the relationship in the toxic state may jeopardize a reconciliation if the toxic relationship get too out of control disrespectful, it can cause too much damage it may not be able to be fixed anymore. Holding on to someone not ready might cause a total lose insted of a temporary separation. I wish I knew this sooner. Dont block your blessings wasting time with someone thats is NOT for you. As for the people that like to outside their marriage and have affairs and the 3rd party, side piece as we know them who know the individual is married and you become stubborn to keep a person that definitely not for you they belong to someone and they most likely have not clue about the cheating going on behind their back. If this is the situation I wouldn’t want the Karma from breaking a home especially if children are involved but as always some still get involved in these situations once the spouse becomes aware either they put an end to the cheating and work on their marriage or you insist on taking the spouse of place best believe you just might and by doing so guess what now your position is vacant so better believe that they will fill that position and just how this relationship was acquired it will be lost a person like that has no respect and will not respect anyone who agreed to adultery and now this will be what has been accepted and the blessings of a healthy relationship are to the faithful spouse who now see the cheater for who they are and put an end to that heal to only move on to find themselves a good healthy relationship with a better person who will be good and now the toxic cheater is all yours while you just blessed them by taking all that from their lifes so in the end you will find they wont get over the person they had been married to and you get stuck with that person that was not yours but became so stubborn to hold on too only to cause self destruction. I learned the hard way after finally leaving a man that constantly cheated was very abusive I met the person I had prayed for all this time it didn’t start off as this amazing relationship we both had past traumatic relationships we had to heal from so we separated after some time we started communicating again and flet we had cheated our selfs from this amazing connection by bringing our past hurts in it so we healed and in time we gave our relationship an other chance and our communication, the respect, the love its the happiest I have ever been I didn’t even think this kind of love even though exsisted I believe it only was in fairytales but it not you can have that happy ever after fairytale relationship it just takes effort a lot of patience understanding communication honesty respect anything is possible just depends on how bad you want it and how much are you willing to work for it. Hope this can help someone save some years in figuring it out since it took me 18yrs. Best of luck to all may you find the person truly meant for you and may you hold on tight to that.
By Sweet Jenn4 years ago in Journal
Through The Chaos
I had finally hit rock bottom. I have always had a hard life but always stayed optimistic about it all the things I went through some are like in hispanic culture you would call it a tvnovela. I will write about that in an other storie put point is I had finally lost it all my job, friends, family, my abusive ex-husband. That in itself was a hard reality they removed themselves out of my life. It was hard for me being the people pleaser I was I always went out of my way for them gave even when I had nothing to give. So I was left on empty, financially, emotionally, physically. I was beat all I had by my side was my 3 children who where my responsibility all to myself since my ex-husband was now disabled permanently mentally and physically which I will go into detail in an other story as well. So I was alone and empty and covid was already a pandemic which as it wasn’t much help it was in a sense that I needed all the financial help that was available due to covid. I was so disappointed with my life I layed in my room n cried many nights and days tried to keep myself going because I still needes to be a mother so when I could I layed alone in my room crying asking my self what had lead my life to this point as I continued to ask my self I began to find the answers within me. Where I found the most meaningful love, my self love. I began to realize that I was giving love, to everyone but not to the person that mattered most myself. I put others first insted of myself. Self love is needed not in a selfish way but in a healthy way where one must give to ones self before giving to anyone else or it will lead to the place I found myself depleted. Its been difficult to finally realize what being that nice person, people pleasing, always trying to make others happy but myself, not being able to say no. How damaging it could be I thought I was doing the right thing. Ohh.. was I wrong. So I questioned why I was this person who didn’t love herself who didn’t value how amazing she really was. I found my inner child trauma and that is why I stayed in toxic relationships, friendships, didn’t love myself. It all came down what I had grown accustomed to as a child. I was raised by a single mother who’s main concern was and is still the man in her life who is not my father he has not children not so much by choice but it what he had to accept being with a woman who had made the choice to permanently stop that process. He is about 16-17 years younger than my mother she actually met him because he was her son in laws best friend. The chaos that come of that was pretty hostile. My sister her husband my dad it caused a lot of trouble when their afair was out in the open and my mother left my dad she had her reasons to my dad was narcissistic and constantly cheated. Her choice of replacement was not the best we all felt some type of way about it he was a close family friend who we considered family he lived with us he actually tried to date my other sister who was around his age but she wasn’t interested but guess my mother was so they didn’t sit us all down and told us they just snuck around and eventually stopped hiding it I was about 8 maybe when it all happened I was upset I hated him he ruined my parents marriage in my eyes as I kid I didn’t understand that my dad had done that long before he did. So I had to deal with my feelings my mother has not ever took the time to talk to any of us and explain life situations so in time he began to hate me as well and my mother would and still does chose to allow him to treat me and my children unfairly rude he is mean but all my other sisters and their kids are treated good except me and mine. So as a child my mother favored my younger sister she always got what she wanted for Christmas I didn’t, my younger sister got what she wanted the attention I didn’t I would be hurt sad upset as a kid and as a kid I realized that no one cared that I was upset that I was hurt so I came to the conclusion as a kid that I was the only one hurting why keep hurting my self with situations I could not change and be happy insted of being sad mad hurt because no one cared anyways so thats how I began to deal with all pain in my life that my feelings didn’t matter if my mother didn’t love me showed me I wasn’t worthy of love its what I had learned to accept so I stayed in toxic relationships and friendships because its the only love I was worthy of until I hit rock bottom and realized I had to love myself to know that I was worthy of being loved that my feelings did matter and I began to speak up for myself I didn’t want anymore bread crumbs in and out love and knew that I was capable of being loved I deserved to be acknowledged it took me loosing it all and being okay with being alone to see I was worth it and also a big thank you to the man that stuck by my side as I fought through my doubts, fears and loved me through them he has been a big part of my self love process because he showed me that I was worth being loved for all that I was and that my feelings mattered and all he wanted was to love me unconditionally. Although I was unable love the right way until I healed my self he was patient and understanding he heard me yell he heard me cry he apologized for things he didn’t do and I thank him for being strong when I was at my weakest. I hope to be his strength one day as hes been mine. I was blessed with an amazing man hes not perfect by any means but hes been perfect for me I appreciate him and everything I have been through as it has made me that much stronger, and continue to get stronger each and every day. May everyone know that you are worthy and you do matter in this life and may everyone strive to be their best self every day. God bless all I prayed a lot through this process and he as answered my prayers each time maybe not in the way I wanted them but in they way they needed to be. With God all is possible he is my savior.
By Sweet Jenn4 years ago in Motivation
