How I told my husband I am gay
In mid 2021, pride month was approaching and, at this point, Joel and I had been talking a lot about my queerness. Mostly, the conversation went to more vague and open-ended ideas. For the most part, I was pretty content with being “queer”. Not having to put a label on what I am or what I like. And even though I appreciated not having to dust off the old label maker, I still wanted to feel seen and known for my queerness. I shared with Joel one day how a small gesture from him would feel huge to me. I wasn’t expecting much. And actually, I don’t know exactly what I was expecting. But something in me longed to have my partner say, “I see you and I love you just the way you are.” The gesture Joel made was anything but simple or intimate. He is a go big or go home-r so he bought an ally shirt, posted pansexual colored posters in our front window and made a Tik Tok about his support for his pansexual wife. All of this was a surprise. When I drove home and noticed the colors in the window, I had a mild panic attack. I kept thinking about how exposed I suddenly felt. Then I got inside and was shown the Tik Tok. I instantly went into freeze mode. Sure, I appreciative of the attempt at honoring my request. I knew I could expect some discomfort with the announcement. Some backlash from people we know who don’t approve. And even some celebrations. What I didn’t expect was the blindsided feeling that I had. Why was that the case? Joel had done what I asked for. I definitely felt “seen” just not in the way I needed to be seen. It was like all eyes were on me and my super sweet, supportive husband. He was the hero who bravely stood before my dragons and slayed every single one of them on my behalf. But something was eating at me. Pretty soon it consumed me. One night I laid awake and thought, “but what if I’m not pansexual?” And the other thought, the one that I couldn’t dig down deep enough into the dragon’s layer to rescue… “What if I’m a lesbian?”
