Sabrina McWhorter

What did I know about it?

I was raised in a blended family. I had a stepdad for the first fifteen years of my life. I never knew why my mom did not marry him, all I do know is the relationship ended. So, what would a young lady like myself know about marriage? I knew absolutely nothing about having a loving, exchanging, selfless, successful relationship. After all, how could I? I saw some adult people married and with a family, but what did it take to have that? I did not grow up seeing marriage as a partnership between two people that love and respect eachother, working on themselves to be a better person the way marriage insist that you become, a better person. One way is putting your spouse before yourself. I was told once that you get out of the marriage box what you put into the marriage box. I thought that was the truest statement I had ever heard. Whatever you put in the marriage box is what you get back means if you don't show selfless love to your spouse, you don't make his plate or wait on him, do not expect that in return, and those are small examples. If you do not encourage him when needed and respect him all the time, do not expect that in return. No relationship besides marriage demands that you look into the mirror at yourself and stop pointing and blaming your spouse for your shortcomings. You also have to stare at that mirror and look deep into yourself and see what you need to work on as a person? Are you happy with yourself? Are you angry because your spouse does not seem to understand you? Do you feel like you are always the one doing the forgiving? If you are not happy with yourself, your spouse cannot make you happy. You have to do what makes you happy, do not depend on him to make you happy, he can be a part of your happiness but he is not responsible for your happiness, you are. I have felt misunderstood quite a few times in my relationship but guess what? My spouse is not a mind reader, I had to figure out a way to communicate myself to him in a way that he would understand. I had to speak gently, and without an attitude, it had to be at the right time because I do not want to look like a complaintant in a court case. I had to find a way to stop the silence in my home. You know the silence when you are in the same house but you are not speaking? That usually happens when no one wants to apologize or accept the fact that they are all the way wrong and they need to be accountable for what they did and apologize and move forward, life is way too short nowadays and we do not want to be here one day and gone the next, and it happened to be the day that you two were mad at eachother. With silence instead of communication and understanding comes unforgivness. This can go on for days, but this type of dealing with the relationship is not dealing at all. What I have learned in my marriage is unforgiveness sometimes stems from not understanding where the other person is coming from. You see when you get married you are marrying the other person and the way they were raised, their morals, culture, perspective and opinion. Sometimes you will not agree, and that is okay because we are individuals and we think differently and sometimes to save time you have to agreee to disagree. For example, I see the half-full glass of water as half full, my spouse may see the half-full glass of water as half empty, does that make me an optimist and him a pessimist? Well, that is a common idiom used to describe people, but am I going to argue about that for two days and waste time that I could be using to enhance my family amungst other tasks that a wife has to do daily, no? I find it better to allow my spouse to calm himself before I may try to speak about some things that I think need to be dealt with. I have also found in a marriage that some things are better left unsaid, why? Because sometimes a spouse needs to work on their own understanding and try to see why the other is feeling this way, is it stemming from wanting to protect my wife from anyone trying to deceive her or take advantage of her? This could happen if you want to try something new or different, or a different financial route for example. Sometimes a disagreement that leads to an argument and then silence and unforgiveness is all because one spouse did not want the other to make a decision that endangers them, or may cause them pain or not benefit the family. Sometimes it is also fear, the fear of not knowing how to deal with the new thing. For the most part, a real man likes to work and provide for his family, he wants to be respected by his spouse, he wants affection and to be loved, and food to eat, which is pretty simple. If we can figure out when and how to communicate with our spouse, we could have a much better house.