SURVIVE . Content Warning.
It's always this way. Every. Single. Time.
My mind is blank. But it isn't. So many things, but very little of them. Sigh. I feel like I've gained five years' worth of knowledge in these past few months. Great! But is it? Tell me—what exactly are the odds that I could somehow pull this off? That I could survive the overwhelmingly crippling anxiety and pain gnawing at me, ebbing into me from what, in this case, I'd like to assume is denial. The kind I somewhat hold onto.
I can't succumb to this darkness. Not yet.
Ahh! Yes! Survive! My latest mantra. The only thing—aside from God's mercy—that's keeping me from imminent insanity. It's become my codex. It has to.
God, I miss the days when I could breathe freely, just be. It's sad I never knew I was free until I lost the freedom to be. Nowadays, I'm usually suffocating on the weight of my own thoughts. Everything reminds me why I could fail, why I would fail. Either way, I smile and push through because it's against the codex to do otherwise.
As I continue on this path, I've come to realize that nobody really sets you up for this—the real world. No real warning. Now I understand the people who consider suicide. They have every reason to. Perhaps they need a new mantra—a rather effective one. Honestly, I feel it too—the tiredness, the will to be. Only in my case, it's a storm of anxiety and denial as I realize nobody really got me.
It's okay. It's understandable. They must go through similar or worse stuff, right? Either way, whether or not I deny it, acceptance is born. I've come to understand that this is the me of now, and yes, I might fail, but I might also win. And damn right, I'll take that chance.
How else do I meet my BTS bias? Lol.
But I'll move, however little. And someday, I'll be again. Because I'll survive.
