Morris V. Dorley Jr

The Love We Share

Growing up in Liberia molded my perspective on love, intimacy, and relationships. Men were expected and taught to lead their relationships. On the other hand, women were raised to be submissive to their partners. Women expected their men to be responsible and be a pillar in the relationship. "Traditionally, women hold powerful roles in tribal life, and most tribes commonly practice female circumcision. The country is officially "Christian," but nearly 40% of the population holds to their traditional tribal beliefs, while 20% is Muslim. In Liberia, both monogamy (one man having one wife) and polygyny (one man having more than one wife at a time) are permitted and practiced. Among non-Western-educated Liberians, dating and marriage are regarded as somewhat of a practical social and economic arrangement between families. Marriage often involves payment of a bride price to the bride's parents at the time a marriage is agreed upon" (Liberia Cultural Profile 2018). Female opinions did not matter so much since it is a male-dominated culture. "The extent of gender inequalities varies throughout Liberia in regard to status, region, rural/urban areas, and traditional cultures. In general, women in Liberia have less access to education, health care, property, and justice when compared to men" (Gender inequality in Liberia 2021). My experiences in the United States have shaped me to have a different perspective on love. I feel that women have a voice in the relationship and that both voices are equally important. I believe for love and intimacy to be fruitful, the people involved must be suitable for each other at the right time. I will describe my experience with love and intimacy. I thought prior relationships brought me joy. However, most of these relationships did not last long or add growth to my life because I did not know what I was looking for in a partner or a relationship. It could be because I was still young, and I did not know enough about love at the time. Every time these relationships ended, I would blame my former partner. I would make sure to look for all the possible reasons she was not good for me, all the possible reasons she didn't care for me. I would always complain about how my former lover was horrible and how she hurt me. I never took the time to see where I might have contributed to the failure of the relationship. It took me a long time to understand there is always a part that each partner plays in a relationship. I started to see how I contributed to the demise of my former relationships. I began to take accountability, make peace with all my past relationships, and correct the mistakes that contributed to their negative outcomes. I realized that it is always not just the woman who ended the connection like I had been conditioned to believe in the past. It was an excellent opportunity to meet my girlfriend Ella Dave, on January 25, 2014, at a sports patch. It was weird how we first met because we were both practicing soccer after a long day at work. Ella came to run to relieve some stress. We both got done training simultaneously, and while she was in her car about to leave, I decided to walk towards her and make a friend. I was not even thinking about what Ella was going to say. She was sitting in her vehicle resting for a moment, and I surprisingly showed up, asking her questions about herself. It was an excellent opportunity to talk to a beautiful woman because I had been single for a while, praying to God to send me the best woman for my life. A woman who will love me for who I am and not what I have. Each day I woke up from bed in the morning, I always got on my knees to pray to God for a good woman. A woman I can grow up with, a woman that will always be on my mind, a woman that I can think of every day and that will be my joy in life. When I met her, she was a calm, respectful person and answered all questions with a friendly disposition. In my head, maybe God had responded to my prayers because this woman seems to be the kind of woman I wanted and needed in my life. She was light skin in complexion with a beautiful smile. We had an extended conversation and end up exchanging phone numbers. Ella and I decided to hang out after we had talked for some time. We met at Saji House for lunch that afternoon in Liberia. We had a friendly conversation and connected in many ways. When we both decided to date, things got more exciting, and some boundaries were no longer observe felt. The emotional effect was significant to us, and we had to make sure that we both were on the same page. We became protective of our relationship because we were no longer just friends. We felt much love for each other and were always there for one another. The good thing that always kept us moving forward in the relationship was our trust and constant communication. Ella is brilliant, hardworking, and thinks outside the box. She is intelligent and well informed about things around her. She is not just my lover; she's my most valued friend as well. We believe in each other and communicate everything s, such as our histories, preferences, feelings, and desires. We both take our commitment and trust very seriously in others. We are very upfront with each other about our feelings and discomfort. We both understand, respect, and appreciate each other. Also, we are open, attentive, responsive and concerned about both of our needs. Concern in a relationship is essential because it strengthens the connection. Ella and I enjoyed the friendship we both shared before entering a relationship. We built a foundation that makes it easy for us to understand and care for each other's individual needs. Our relationship comes with commitment; even though we both are not perfect in everything, we try to respect each other no matter the situation. Ella was living with her stepmom because her biological mom passed away at the age of ten. Ella was not good support from her stepmother like any child wish to have growing up. She was always demanding of Ella during house chores when her kids never do anything. Ella step sends her kids to the most expensive school because she wanted to have a good education. Ella never had the opportunity to go to high school because her stepmom did not want her to. Ella was always scared to take me to her place because she constantly worries about what her stepmom was going to do to her for having a boyfriend Every time we wanted to see each other, she will sneak out of the house at night or meet at the sports arena when she comes to exercise. At the age of 16, Ella decided to leave her stepmom's house and move in with me. I was 19 years old, fresh out of high school. I had an opportunity to work in my school library as a bookkeeper while financially supporting us. I help Ella in school and work hard to pay all her bills. Ella was a very clever student at the, she did extremely good in school and got scholarships and double promotion. She was focused and determined to get through school. When I got into college, Ella fought hard and successfully graduated from high school with honor. The president of the country awarded her a scholarship to attend any college of her choice. Ella was grateful, excited, was greeted by a cheer from many great people she has never met. The minister of Education used Ella to present how she felt about the scholarship and her better education ideas. At her presentation, Ella strode into the room, and everyone turned to notice her. She gives a great indication as the crown rose with excitement and applause for her excellent work. One of the things I have learned about relationships is always to take time to understand your partner. It is essential to know them in and out and learn their habits, hobbies, likes, and dislikes. Although it is never entirely possible to know a person in its entirety, it is important to make sure the core of a person and their values align with your life's purpose. It is also necessary to see if their priorities about love, finance, commitment, family, etc., align with your priorities. I try to imagine if I can be happy with my partner for a long time in my relationship. I try to see if I can live with their weird habits without getting tired and find humor in their quirks. When I am in a relationship, I try to make sure that it is a mutual and unconditional partnership. I am always careful not to be selfish in my desires and uncompromising in my requests. I have also learned to balance relationships and my personal life. This also helps me lead a more fulfilling and well-rounded life, not to pressure my partner and the relationship. I limit outside distractions not to think that I must end the relationship to focus on my job and school. A healthy relationship should add value and meaning to your life and not override other essential facets of your identity. I try to talk through conflicts with my partner and always compromise when we disagree on things. I always try to be my partner's biggest supporter and give them positive criticism. My best advice to everyone out there is to do these things: Always be open to giving people second chances in life, how you hope someone would give you a second chance. Be honest, open, and always supportive in a relationship of your partner's endeavors. Ask your partner their goals and dreams in life. In doing so, be honest about your own goals and objectives and work together to make those dreams come to fruition. It is imperative to always compromise for the health and benefit of the relationship. One significant fact for me is always to make sure that you work on yourself to be the right person. It is vital that when the right partner comes at the right time, you are prepared and ready to be in a healthy relationship. Never abuse your partner; always treat people how you would like to be treated. Looking at the nature of intimacy, Intimate Relationship, written by Rowland S. Miller, discussed seven ways intimate relationships differ from casual friendships. "Knowledge, interdependence, caring, trust, responsiveness, mutuality, and commitment." Communication should be the key to every good relationship. Lack of communication will cause confusion and a lot of misunderstanding in your relationship. The best way to be on the same page in a relationship with your partner is to communicate what you want to do. Many people will understand the power of communication, but a relationship without communication is no relationship. It is easy for partners to have different wishes, beliefs, or ideas about where to live, whether to get married, how to balance work and personal commitments, whether to have children or not, and how to navigate other relationships with friends and family, and how to manage finances. Communicating with your partner about everything, discussing the issue, being willing to compromise, identifying what you can and cannot compromise, and considering couples counseling if things are not working according to how things should be essential. These are factors that will help strengthen the relationship and help partners work together. Respect and trust are the critical foundations of every relationship. The willingness to compromise in a relationship to best satisfy both partners' needs is essential. Partners should talk through arguments and come to a common ground without feeling that one side was not heard. I always feel the need for peace and harmony in my relationship. I avoid conflict as much as possible, whether it is internal or interpersonal. I am a relatively easy-going person who has adopted a strategy of going with the flow. I am a reliable, sturdy, self-effacing, tolerant, and liable individual. I try to avoid conflict as much as possible to create peace in my relationship. I try to coordinate with my relationship as "Be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you" (Ephesians 4:32). It is vital to take respect and commitment very seriously in a relationship. To do so, both partners should be upfront with each other about their feelings and discomfort. Also, friendship is an essential component of establishing a relationship. Every healthy relationship has a significant amount of friendship in the relationship. A relationship comes with commitment; it is crucial to respect each other no matter the situation. Honesty is one key value to emphasize each day, and communicating more often is essential. While conflict is inevitable, it is vital to keep a calm atmosphere in a relationship. Love is a beautiful thing and requires sacrifices. Anger is a secondary emotion that comes from internalized fear. I have learned to control my anger, discuss issues with my partner, and discuss what is going on in the relationship. In a relationship, you are in it for the long schlep. Things will get difficult, things will get tough, and sometimes wonder if you can do it anymore, but you have to remember that love never gives up. You can never lose hope in it, and you need always to have faith. "Be devoted to one another in love" (Romans 12:10). Honor one another above yourselves because with dedication, both of your dreams will come through. I feel that love is necessary for survival. The human heart was made for companionship. We are social creatures by nature, and we were never intended to live in solitude. Taking away the biological aspects of it, I think people overcomplicate love. Sometimes we place restrictions on how love should be experienced rather than reveling in the feelings. I am guilty of that. Sometimes our past experiences leave us tired, that sometimes it is difficult for us to accept what could be the very thing that we want . When we are used to being hurt, and something comes along and feels unfamiliar, sometimes we self-sabotage and criticize rather than letting a person get close to us. We rob ourselves of establishing meaningful connections when we do so. Suppose you have not had the best experiences in past relationships. Toxic patterns such as physical and verbal abuse along with being cheated on can be challenging and add to trauma that we suffer through with being in an unhealthy relationship. As a result, we become jaded. Your self-copying mechanism will never let anyone get too close to you. Love for you in those times can be conditional and paradoxical. However, you can discover to love someone who means not to hurt or abuse you with personal growth. A person who loves you would never cause you harm. Abuse, manipulation, cheating, and deceit are not indicators of love. Love is genuine when the words and actions align. It's not enough to just tell someone you love them. You should be showing that person as well. Love is a choice, to choose someone even when things are difficult because there's no one else worth searching for. The essential decision we make next to loving Jesus is who we date or marry. Life partners can derail, propel, or treadmill your life. Most people do not consider this truth because we first fall to attraction, chemistry, and emotion. We invest our hearts, time, and finances not knowing if that person is suitable for us. What we see as romance is often co-dependency. Co-dependency can often feel like love. Love is not just built on emotion; it must be enclosed instability, communication, and loyalty for a partnership to be healthy. Love is patient; love endures, understands, and heals even the ugliest part of life. Love is acceptance. Love surrenders: love perseveres through storms. Emotional attachments are only benefitting that come with devotion, but they are not the foundation of love. I believe that sometimes culture and movies have shown us an image of love and romance that is not accurate. They teach how we should feel in a relationship. Still, they do not prepare us for the painful, frustrated, irritating moments. The truth is situations do not break true love. Instead, it strengthens it. Being open, honest, and trustworthy are vital aspects of any intimate relationship. Fulfilled promises in a relationship are essential to each partner. Make sure you keep your promises because if not, it can damage the relationship, causing a lack of belief. It is necessary to express your feelings openly in a relationship, accepting that your relationship will have shortcomings, and be your partner's best friend in times of trouble and happiness. It is essential to acknowledge your partner, be positive, express appreciation, keep a positive mindset towards your partner in the relationship, and create space for intimacy. These are great attributes in maintaining a solid and healthy relationship. It takes a lot of time and patience to support such a relationship. You have to work harder to achieve a better reward in the end. "Lasting relationships, like anything worthwhile, take intentional commitment over time. But when you are just not on the same page, keeping your love alive can feel intimidating-or even impossible" (Chapman, 2019). For couples nowadays, making love involves a sense of intimacy and emotional closeness. A sexual intimate relationship involves trust and is subject to each other. Some couples find it much more difficult after they have already achieved intimacy, while others find it difficult to achieve intimacy in their relationships. It takes a lot of time and patience to maintain a substantial relationship. Love is never predictable, and love is not something you can guarantee. Love can burn you, but it can also surprise you in many good ways, especially when you find the particular person meant for you. It is a fantastic thing to find true love, someone who can add to your happiness and well-being. In your relationship, always be authentic to yourself. Do not try to copy another person just to impress your partner. In other words, do not pretend to have or to be something you are not.