Mary Queen
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Queen Mother
My Mother was a sick person. It's true. She struggled with so many things. What they are doesn't really matter in this context. Suffice to say they were physical and mental. But never did she question who she was or what she felt her purpose was. My Mother was the color yellow. All things bright and beautiful. She struggled greatly. She conquered things most of us can never imagine, nor would we want to. She survived things that should have killed her, time and time again. Our family actually stopped counting the things she overcame, then survived. Over the span of more than 24+ years of her being ill, she showed us, her 7 children, many grandchildren and great grandchildren, loved ones, my Father, what strength is. She showed us how to not stay in the trenches. How to keep fighting. Never give up. She showed us how to be a light during the storm. She wasn't perfect. She knew it. The one thing she was is determined. None of us 7 kids wanted to learn what she had to teach us….what she insisted on teaching us. 5 girls, 2 boys, and we ALL learned how to cook, clean, basic sewing skills, ironing and physical grooming. As well as social skills needed in the world. All of it, with 7 kids. Now that we all have children, we can grasp what an enormous task that was. I have 1 kid and it seems impossible! She was absolutely determined to be happy despite pain most of us can't imagine. Determined to be joyful even when she was scared. Determined to teach her children everything they needed to know to be good humans. Determined to teach us how to live without her on this earth. For we all knew for so many years that her days were numbered. The gift was that we got so many more days than we imagined we would. In a turn of events we never could have predicted, her final battle came in the midst of Covid-19. With family spread out and quarantined, the first half of 2020 was mostly spent in a bubble with my Father, me, my teenage daughter and my sister in law so much of that time is a complete blur. Missing so much work, both from Covid and to be there to care for her. Missing so much money, lost from not working. At the time, I had no idea just how much work I missed. Funny thing is, I wouldn't change a thing. My siblings couldn't be there. We all knew it. It was torture for them. So I was there for all of them. Zooming even though she was in a coma, just so they could see her. Kissing her goodbye for my huge family...individually... singing, just being together in the only way we could. Watching her slowly fade. No funeral, no celebration of life. Somehow she was a light to the end. She is still a light. One that will never be extinguished. After her passing, it took a couple of weeks to be able to explain what I was feeling about not having her be with us anymore. I realized that the world was so silent now. She was such a presence, such a gift. If she was in the building, you knew it. When she left, the silence was so loud. So loud. It's been just over a year and it is still loud. Now our family tries our best to continue her legacy by teaching our children the way she taught us. We try and be a light, the way she was. When someone is that influential, the loss is great and the only thing you can do is do your very best to carry their legacy forward.
By Mary Queen5 years ago in Families
Breathe
I find myself not breathing. Sometimes literally. Walking around. Going about my day. Handling my business. Realizing that I am not breathing. Not breathing! Just breathe..... Sometimes..... sometimes, it's my soul not breathing. I'm still walking around. Going about my day. Handling my business. Realizing that my soul feels stuck.... waiting....not breathing. Waiting for the next thing to happen. My soul trying so hard to convince my brain that the next thing that happens will be good..... positive.....happy.....a blessing. I'm grateful for what I do have though. What I have. Who I have. Cause couldn't it always be worse? Gotta recognize the good that is there that gets you through it. The good that gives you that glimmer of hope. The good reminding your soul to keep breathing. It's hard though when life has shown you a different hand. When the trials that come seem so.... Frequent...... exhausting.....never ending.....soul crushing. I tell myself that if my soul keeps telling my brain over and over that eventually it will believe it. Just keep breathing. Good is coming. Peace is coming. You deserve it. You deserve it. You deserve it. While I wait, always waiting, I keep walking around. Going about my day. Handling my business......reminding myself to breathe. Just breathe. Just breathe.
By Mary Queen5 years ago in Poets
Learning is loving
I have been waiting a long time to make this post cause I have not had quite the right words. Anyone that knows me gets what that means for me. Words typically come easy for me. Sometimes however, with the really hard things, I have to wait for the words to flow from my mind in the right way. So here it is. I sat silent for most of last year. You can judge me for that if you want. But my year(2020) was spent watching my Mother slowly leave this earth, in the midst of a pandemic that, at that time, no one knew much about. The fear was still so palpable. Then mourning the silence she left us with in her absence. I had to choose my battle at that time. I had to choose where my fleeting energy went. I chose to be by my Mother's side, in a protected bubble necessitated by a pandemic that no one wanted But I watched, listened, heard. So much happened last year that hurt my heart further and it was just too much for me to deal with on top of my family's loss. But I'm here now, with the words finally in my heart. I want my position to be very clear. You want to know why it seems that all of the topics that make people so uncomfortable are so loud right now? Why does it seem like someone in the LGBTQIA community comes out every day? Why does it seem like people in any minority race speak on their experience so often? Why are people being so loud on such sensitive subjects? You wanna know? Cause they can! That's right. Gay, bi, trans, race..... They are speaking because they can. Because they should. All of these things have been here from the beginning of time, but now every story, every tear, every death, every triumph has paved the way for people to be treated equally and fairly. To be treated like the beautiful humans they are. We now live in an age where it is more acceptable than ever to speak your truth. Speak they should. But it is still hard for our brothers and sisters. It's hard because people hurt, people judge, people bully and criticize. But I like to think, or dream maybe, that those negative and judgemental people are now in the minority. Or at least quickly heading that way. There is a shift happening...an awakening. If you can't feel it, keep learning until you do. Our job here is real simple. Love. Learn!!! Get out of your shell and learn something new about people. Love cause it feels better than judgement. Love in color and not just in black and white. Expanding our minds and our hearts is beautiful and strengthens our world. I will personally take love any which way I can get it. The world needs far more of it. To those that are scared to speak, know that there are those willing to be at your side. We need more people willing to stand up against hate, against violence towards another human. Every voice has power. A united voice has greater power. Some people may think that I am only speaking up now because my child is both mixed race and gay, that it gives me reason to just now vocalize my feelings. That's only partly true. My journey towards learning to truly love and accept came long before my girl came out to me. I was already on a path to dissect the things that I held as truth my whole life. Examining what I thought I believed and realigning them so that my truth actually resonated with my soul. I'm still doing that, to be honest. What an incredible journey that is! Enlightening, refreshing, testimony expanding, beautiful. To any one in the LGBTQIA community, to anyone in an ethnic group.....I am a safe space. I'm here for you. I will stand up for you. I love you.
By Mary Queen5 years ago in Motivation
