Marion Ball

She chose me

There I was sitting inside my car. My head leaning against the window, as I sat behind the steering wheel looking out. It was snowing, and it was beautiful. White snowflakes landing on the windshield . Im extremely tired, emotionally exhausted and physically drained. How can I plan out my life, and it not manifest? I contributed my life to working, and being the best at what I do no matter what I chose as employment. I was healing and leveling up in my life. To become the best woman I am. Mother and teacher to my children. Fulfilling my dream. Now currently it’s day three of losing my home. I yelled, “Why?!! Why?!! Why?!!” So angry I felt, now tears coming to my eyes. Eventually escaping eventually trickling down my cheeks. It’s like everything did a turn for the worse. The COVID-19 virus came. And most of the people in China and America never witnessed anything like this. The Corona is a virus that attacks your respiratory, but we need oxygen to live. To breathe! It’s incredible the times we are living through. Aside from the stress of the pandemic I had nowhere to go. My children are along me at this time , making it more challenging and torment on myself. It’s also the middle of the winter with frigid temperatures. Single digit temperatures! Living in Ohio, the winters are a hit or miss. But this winter seemed to be the coldest I can remember. Maybe it was because of my situation. My brain tries to process so many different things at once. I couldn’t do it, I won’t do it I thought to myself. I turned in my seat to look in the back. I stared at my babies, my children, detailing their perfect faces. Beautiful and they have their own special light. They are important. They are my offsprings, a better version of me. I want them to be failed them, once again I thought. I fixed the blankets over their legs and made sure I tucked their hands underneath the covers. It was warm in the car as I kept it running while parked. They were sleep. Three girls. Ages, twelve, seven and six. I loved them more than I loved myself, but I was starting to doubt that. How could I let this happen? Why did I not reach out for help as soon as possible for assistance? Why am I such a damn procrastinator?! I thought to myself, and as I looked at them, more thoughts ran thru my mind. Finally I thought, what am I going to do? I can potentially lose my children if anyone found out about this. I need a plan and I need it now!