Lucy Irving

The woman inside me

The woman inside me As far back as I can remember, I have watched a specific woman grow from a child, into an adult. I remember seeing her as a five-year-old, bright, beautiful, talented, and loving little girl with blonde curls, and big blue eyes and soon becoming a brown haired and green-eyed woman. The changes in her natural appearance seemed to me to be perfect to her situation of the changes in her life. I remember the day I witnessed her head being thrown into a window and her hair disheveled, as she was covered in bruises, and tears streamed down her little, five-year-old face. I witnessed her becoming shut off from the world. I witnessed her continuing to become hardened as she grew. I witnessed how sad she truly was, and how she kept it all to herself. I watched as she went from the girl originally placed on Earth to someone the Earth made her. If you new her, you would see the smile on her face even after she was beat. You would hear her laugh only hours after being slapped in the face by the person she loved most in this world. I never understood how a little girl could be treated so badly. Soon, some people could see the pain in her eye’s and throughout her life some people would mention that they could see the pain in her eyes. She hid it so well, and with all the pain she was suffering with, she still was able to hide it extremely well. I felt her pain when she was beat bloody with a wire clothes hanger by a grown man twice her size. She was desperate for someone or some thing to take the pain and instead of compassion from those she loved she was beat once again bloody with an extension cord. After being abused by a man she thought she would marry and she put an end to that relationship aware that love isn’t supposed to hurt, but still having been taught that love did hurt, she lived her life full of confusion and went on to marry a man she thought would love her forever. But while expecting their first child together, the night she married this man he hit her for the first time, and I witnessed the rest of her die inside. But I only assumed this was the end of her deep, dark pain, because I saw her looking at her baby inside of her daughters casket and realized she was burying her daughter because he hit her one to many times. I watched this woman live through so much trauma and it has only begun. She lived through the death of her child while still being a slave to an abusive man. Every time he hit her, she lost more of herself and when her daughter died I could see the light in her eye’s begin to dim more than ever before, when I watched her holding her son, her second child until he died. She buried two children and the light in her eye’s completely went out. I didn’t believe she would live through this one, and it seemed to be true when she let addiction take over her life, as she said that she needed something to numb the pain. I watched this woman overdose and somehow she lived through that too. Her life was full of sadness, but she stood up and decided to keep going. I watched her find strength and search deep inside for peace, and the ability to keep living. I was there when her husband finally tried to kill her and beat her with a golf club when she finally had enough. She left that boy that called his self a man, but it was everything in her to remove herself from that abuse. But I began to see the light come back into her eye’s and just a little each day I saw her smile again. Not the fake smile she had always been so good at, but the real one. The smile of hope, happiness, and peace. I could still see the pain, but it was finally being replaced with a little light. She was determined to find her strength and determined to allow herself to let go of the pain in her heart. She wanted a miracle of love and a child. Soon a man came into her life, who loved her the way a woman should be loved but it was still hard for her to accept this gift. It took years but she finally allowed love back into her life. After marrying a man who never hit her, she began to desperately want a child. But after many medical issues, and surgeries, in total she had four miscarriages in a few years. She began to be full of sadness all over again and I watched as the pain over came her. But still she refused to give up. She refused to allow herself to fall again, and she refused to lose her smile or the light in her eyes. I watched as she was more determined than ever before, and soon, she had what she had yearned for, a living son after the worst, and scariest pregnancy there ever was. I then saw the happiness overcome her entire life, and I began to realize that she was truly the definition of strong when she became pregnant with twins, and what joy it brought her until she miscarried one baby and carried the other. The confusion overwhelmed her but still she refused to give up, even though she eventually went into labor at home and accidentally delivered her son before she made it to the hospital, and he was still born there in her arms. The next year she was engulfed with pain. Her heart was broken all over again, and she was overwhelmed with a sadness she had never experienced before. But I watched as one day she stood up and said “ENOUGH”! I watched her become the strength she had been determined to find for her entire life. I still watch her as she continues to deal with abuse from those she loves. But I watch her with her loving husband, her living son, and the fact that she took all this pain, placed it in a novel, and she feels blessed to help other’s in the world find their hope! I have watched this little girl surrounded by abuse, pain, and sadness grow up to become a woman full of strength, determination, and the ability to empower so many people who need to hear her story. I looked around at women all over the world trying to decide what woman inspires me the most. What woman in my life is the strongest woman I know? I realized that there are many, and many people in the world say this very same woman inspires them the most. So I decided this woman is the strongest and most inspiring woman I’ve ever none, and I know her well, I know just how hard her life has been, and I know just how determined she is to share her journey, and her strength with other’s. I know firsthand how hard it has been on her, and just how hard she works every single day to continue to stay strong not just for herself, but for others. I know because this woman is me. I can still see all the physical, mental, and emotional scars every day when I look into the mirror. It’s all still there. It will never go anywhere. But the woman I have sat back and watched go through more than most people ever do, is still here inside of me. I see the light in my eye’s that I had once completely lost. I see the person I was meant to be. I see the woman I inspire to be, because that woman is ME!