Leslie Perkel
Bio
Hi there! Let me introduce myself. I am a singer/bard/writer/philosopher and a constant learner. I am excited about sharing some of my work with others and enjoying the creativity of my fellow artists, writers and musicians.
Stories (15)
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An Audition Story
I walked up two flights of steps to the second floor of the music building on the way to my first ever audition for a college music program. I was nineteen and had decided to start taking classes at St. Petersburg Junior College. It was mid-August, hot and humid.
By Leslie Perkel5 years ago in Education
A Mother's Day Letter to my Son.
It was March 24th 1994 and the ground outside was covered with snow and ice. I was two weeks past my delivery date when my labor started around three o'clock in the afternoon. Your dad cancelled his calls for the rest of the day and rushed home to get me to the hospital. It was freezing outside and a sheet of ice on the sidewalks so your dad slowly helped me get to the car. We headed for Trenton State Hospital, both of us excited and nervous. We brought the boombox with us so that I could listen to music while I was in labor. I had already decided what I wanted to listen to...Kenny G.
By Leslie Perkel5 years ago in Families
The Gift of Motherhood
You were so perfect that you took my breath away. For months I had waited to meet you, knowing our time together would be brief. The nurses told me it would be easier if I didn't see you, if I bonded with you it would be more painful to say good-bye. That wasn't right for me though. I wanted every minute I had with you. There were so many things I wanted to tell you that I hadn't already said as you grew inside me.
By Leslie Perkel5 years ago in Families
An Unlikely Pair
So many people have said they preferred animals over humans. I can well understand why someone might feel that way. I have many human friends but my animal companions have always been ranked in the "best friend" category along with a privileged few humans! Let me share one of my favorite stories about our two favorite family pets.
By Leslie Perkel5 years ago in Petlife
My First Day of School
My First day of School I finished my breakfast and excitedly hopped off my chair and headed for my bedroom to get dressed. “Leslie, put your dish in the sink please!”, my mother called out. I walked back and hastily grabbed my cereal bowl and dropped it noisily in the sink.
By Leslie Perkel5 years ago in Education
Hiding in Plain Sight
In 2019 I heard words from my doctor I didn't expect. "You have been dealing with chronic depression your whole life." I looked at him with skepticism and replied, "I can't be chronically depressed. I get up every day and I go to work and do what I have to do, and I'm not depressed all the time." Fortunately, I have a wonderful doctor who I can trust to always be honest with me. Hearing those words was a shock; but as they sunk in, it was the beginning of understanding myself in a new and liberating way. I learned that I suffer from a form of depression called "High functioning chronic depression." It is one of the hardest to diagnose because the sufferer has the ability to function on a daily basis, while hiding the non-stop internal struggle to remain productive. We can have periods of high productivity also. But the difference is; we may be in emotional agony at the same time. Childhood trauma and abuse exacerbate any type of mental illness and I am one of those survivors. The feeling of emotional isolation and the judgement of others is the most painful aspect for me. The smarter and more talented the sufferer is; the harder it can be to recognize. Those who suffer from this are most often exceptionally perceptive of everything around us and ultra-sensitive to the feelings of others. We are often able to see the big picture when others can't. That knowledge can be an overwhelming burden to carry. "You are so smart and talented. Why aren't you famous? Why haven't you done more? Why are you doing a job that is so unworthy if your abilities?" I have grown used to hearing comments like this from others and I ask myself these questions when I am at my lowest. I never had an answer. Comments like that have added to my pain and the guilt I have carried my whole life for not accomplishing so much more. There is a non-stop inner dialogue that the HFCD sufferer experiences that is a heavy burden to carry. We suffer from an unusually high fear of failure, even though we are typically highly talented and intelligent. We overthink everything often causing us to just give up on a project or an idea. This form of depression is exacerbated if other conditions exist such as ADD/ADHD/OCD or any other challenging personality condition. I am ADD/ADHD combo with HFCD. I spent the first forty-eight years of my life not having any answers for the failures, the lost opportunities and the emotional agony of just trying to survive, meet my responsibilities and find some happiness in my life. At 48, I was fully tested for ADD/ADHD. That was when I began to understand myself in a way that finally allowed me to accomplish things I would have never thought possible. I completed 2 college degrees in 5 years, raised my son as a single mother and saw him successfully complete high school, college and achieve independence as a responsible, loving, and exceptionally talented man. And yet, there are still days when I do not see all the good I have done; I only see what I haven't done. "Fitting in" is perhaps the most painful aspect of HFCD. We make up about 1.5-2% of Americans who suffer from chronic depression. "I can hide my depression so well that people around me have no idea what I’m dealing with unless I clue them in. What I wish everyone realized is that allowing yourself to reach out for help is half the battle. The other half is continuing to help yourself because depression can always be there waiting to trick you with these awful, untrue thoughts like: ‘You’re worthless,’ ‘You’re no good,’ ‘No one cares.’” Sherry Amatenstein, Psycom, online article)! This adds an additional challenge. Since fewer people can relate, the feelings of isolation are often intensified. I have been fortunate to have a small circle of friends who love me and give me the pep talks I need and the emotional support I need when I become overwhelmed. They may not completely understand what I feel; but they CAN see what I can't and won't let me fall. Even with that support; there are still days I struggle to remain positive and not fall apart. The world situation is adding an immense weight to the burden I normally carry. It has been SO much harder to fight depression and anxiety for me during the last few years. As a woman, I am still experiencing menopause symptoms while coping with all of this. Sometimes I just have to keep reminding myself of how much I am experiencing so I can stop being so hard on myself. I have always hated labels. I've never wanted to be put in a "category". I am beginning to understand that all of these "labels" are just starting points to help me understand, accept and love myself. We are all complex and unique individuals. I just want to be happy and keep becoming the best person I can be. I don't want to be mentally and emotionally imprisoned in this cycle of endless struggle, guilt and disappointment in myself anymore. Life is a journey of self-discovery that never ends. I just want the journey to be less painful. I want to believe in myself and be the person I was meant to be. I hope my words will help other HFCD sufferers find hope and purpose. Leslie Perkel
By Leslie Perkel5 years ago in Psyche
