Kristen M

A Journey To Happiness

Creating happiness, the joy from the soul that people sing and wax poetic about, poignant and precious to one’s life is also the hardest kind of happiness to fashion. Have you ever felt sadness that threatened to swallow you whole? Has it hurt so much that words get trapped in your throat and you stopped making sounds? When all you can feel is a crushing weight that seems like it will never stop? That’s what it feels like for me on my bad days. On those days I have a hard time even getting out of bed. I was bullied a lot while I was growing up, and that bullying matured into mental abuse. I suffered from emotional manipulation, gaslighting, and all kinds of tactics that made me feel worthless and like I didn’t matter. I became a people pleaser and allowed people to use me as their personal emotional punching bag. I didn’t really know what it felt like to have people love me simply for existing. I didn’t know what it felt like to be seen or validated, and when I hurt or couldn’t take any more abuse no one really cared much. As a result I felt invisible too.