Kelli Marie Knight

The Reality of my Abusive Relationship.

When it’s all over, you realize so much. What everyone thought was an amazing 7 year relationship, really wasn’t. It came with a rollercoaster of emotions. Good and bad. Most of the time, bad. It sucks to realize how much bullshit I went through to keep the relationship going. “Forgiving” him everytime he screamed at me and put me down for being the person I am, staying with him even after he cheated on me multiple times, and believing he loved me even after he had shown me that he really didn’t. It wasn’t worth all the pain and everything I went through. Then just like that it all ended after 7 years. It didn’t end peacefully either… I was served papers by the court while I was away at school in Chicago. The papers said that I was abusive, dangerous, a stalker and many other things that I’m not. Things were listed that he had done to me but he tried turning it around on me just because his girlfriend, he had while still being with me, wanted him to. I got to talk to the judge the day we had our hearing and truthfully told him what went on and how the things that were said were not true… the protective order was lifted and I told my ex and the judge that I could care less to speak or to ever see my ex again. It was all damaging and traumatizing. But, you know what I’m getting myself back and I couldn't be happier. I got all the friends back that I dropped for someone who ended up being temporary. I feel so shitty for dropping all the people who cared and looked out for me even through the 7 years. They tried making me realize and I was too stupid to think it wasn’t true. Now that I’m out of that relationship I could fully realize how bad it was. What I went through is difficult to talk about and to think about. How it drained me and affected me so deeply. We all go through it. We all think we will be with our first love forever. But that’s not what it ends up being most of the time. I honestly can say that I’m glad it wasn’t forever. Because that would have meant forever being sad and in pain physically and emotionally. I would have never been really happy. I would have had to fake that happiness so no one would see the pain I was really in. My heart was broken so many times in the relationship, I don’t know how I kept going with it. The people close to me that I told what really went on always tell me they don’t know how I stayed so strong through it all. I love way too hard and believe that everyone can change depending how hard you love them. But that's not true, no matter how hard you love someone, it doesn't matter unless they love you even harder. The love I gave was taken advantage of so many times. But, Like I said I’m so much happier now that he’s gone. It feels like so much weight off of my shoulders. It is definitely hard to function sometimes, all the trauma I went through affects me everyday but I try my hardest to battle the bad thoughts and feelings. I can now say I’m getting myself back. I can be myself and I can be happy. No more hiding my emotions. No more holding back my feelings. I can do anything I want to without being held back. I won't get physically and mentally abused anymore. I can be me and I can be happy. It’s the best feeling ever. To anyone who has gone through a similar relationship or is currently going through it, you can get through it and stay strong. Please don’t stay with an abusive partner or someone who doesn’t love you the way you deserve to be loved. You matter and the way you deserve to be treated matters.