UntoldLovePt 1
"Hey, Mom. I never told you this before i was always afraid but now that i am an adult….. Well here we go, i just wanna say thank you for teaching me what not to be as a mom. Thank you mom for allowing me to always see you for who you truly are. As I started to heal and learn to become a mother on my own, I started to realize that it was by choice that you didn't love me, that it was by choice that you didn't choose to take care of me that it was by choice that you chose to turn the other cheek while your husband friends and family choose to abuse me, Even when I told you about the emotional abuse and how my feelings were hurt you ignored me. I was always a liar, or I was being disrespectful, when I would try and explain to you that I was only trying to defend myself because when you weren't around other people would bring me down mom, nothing I said was credible according to you. whether it was mental abuse or physical. Thank you for showing people how to treat me, when you weren't around I was introduced as just “my sister's adopted daughter” or my “friend adopted daughter from jamaica while they introduced their children as theirs. Where were you to introduce me as your daughter?? Thank you, mom, for never being around to protect me when I needed you the most whether it was your presence or a hug or just you being present physically. Mentally, and emotionally. when you weren't around I was just the little girl from Jamaica when you weren't around i was the child that had to fend for herself, defend herself, and protect herself When you weren't around you gave them permission to lie and treat me any kind of way. thank you for showing me that you had no trust in me, telling me over and over again that I wasn't going to be anything, thank you for never letting me know how great I was, or could have been, thank you mom for always letting me know I was nothing but a quitter and wasn't going to be able to do anything but lay on my back. you failed to support me in every which way. Every time you were supposed to show up you never came, anytime I looked into the audience it was always an empty seat where you were supposed to be seated, thank you, mom, for forcing me to call that man my “father” even though his children didn't even call him father.Thank you for breaking me down so badly that I struggle every day to build myself back up. Thank you mom for making it so hard for me to love anyone including myself,Because of you i struggle to love my daughter sometimes i see you and myself and it kills me because i wish i had something better to look up to, sometimes i find my self asking my daughter for forgiveness because now i am an adult trying to heal from the damage you caused mom,i dont want to give my child, a childhood she has to heal from like you did me.i just wonder Did you ever love me? It was always so easy for you to give up on me and put me out so earl, i was still just a child mom, i wonder if you knew about the sleepless nights up crying because i didnt know where i was going to sleep, what i was going to eat and how i waqs going to finish highschool. choosing another man over me, choosing everyone over me. It makes me wonder if when I tried to tell you what was going on were you okay with what was happening is that why you told me that you didnt care about me i remember the look in your eyes it was so dark i couldnt do anything but cry i wanted to die because mom you were once all i had. I did so much thinking i was protecting you and myself and family that it only just backfired in my face. Did you choose to ignore me because it kept a man in the home? I guess we will never know. All the times I just cried for a hug was that the reason why you couldn't hug me because you knew and were disgusted at me, But yet you choose to lay with that filthy man everynight knowing he was stripping away my innonce? I just wanna say thank you for showing me that even though I was a child I wasn't worthy of forgiveness or love, or even I am sorry, I had to tell myself that I am good enough that I am worthy that I forgive myself. I had to forgive myself to forgive you mom and everyone who played a role in breaking me down because I was your adopted daughter it carried no weight except for being everyone's punching bag adults and children, family and friends. Because I am now a mom evertime i make a decision for my child I do it with her in mind, why didn't you have me in mind when you took me from the comfort of my biological mother's home to bring me to another foreign country only to abandon me? Thank you for making my bloodline strangers no matter how much i explain there is no justice for me. Now as a mother I do my best to pay attention to every detail concerning her. I support everything she does even if it is as simple as holding her hand as she walks to school on the first day of school making sure I am there with her to ask her how her day was. I wanna know all the details in her life, something you didnt care about. whether it was bad or good shes knows mommy wants to know, thank you for teaching me to be better than you could ever be, I did what you wanted me to do I finished high school and college just like you wanted me to, but yet you still weren't impressed, you weren't proud of me, you just weren't even moved, even now as a single mother handling things on my own you can only turn and say to me that “im still a bully” and i dont understand that when i was always the one bullied you and your family tore me down so bad i didnt even know how to stand up for myself because i was afraid they would do to me what you did to me. You were so mean to me that even when someone is nice to me i dont know how to accept it, i runin all good things in my life because of you, i cant trust anyone. I wont even let anyone close to me because i thing everyone is going to hurt me and leave and walk out on me like you did. You meeting your granddaughter seeing how happy she is and how much I do for her alone you just aren't pleased. I'm doing this all alone without a man, I would never want my daughter to think she comes second to any man like you did to me and continue to do to me , I would never want to humiliate my daughter the way you humiliated me. Maybe if I choose a man over my child as you would, you would be happy. Thank you mom for always telling me I'm hard on you because nothing was given to me so I'm not giving you anything and for that mom, it taught me to work hard for everything I have so that my daughter can one day say my mom did it all for me so that she could be successful. she will one day say my mother crawled then walked, ran and jump so that I can fly, Thank you mom for showing me what not to be, i want to be completely honest with you and say that it is because of you i am now an overprotective mom because i was so underprocted by you as a child, because of you mom i have low self esteem, i cant even keep friends because i dont know how to be a friend i now avoid anyone who has mother , wether its a male whos close with his mother or friends who have mothers, Mothers scare me and now ive become something that i am afraid of. Its so hard being a mother when i didnt have one. Being a mother without any guidance is one of the hardest thing ive ever had to do, sometimes not even knowing what to do, But what i do know is that as long as i show my child, love and support, letting her know im always going to be here for her i will always be her biggest supporter , i will always strive not to be you mom, Thank you once again mom for showing me what not to be, Thank you for doing it so wrong that i will be able to do it right .
