Kayla Halsey

From Innocence to Forgiveness

It has taken me a very long time to get here. For years, I was scared to be alone with anyone. I have never been able to have a healthy relationship with anyone. You were supposed to be protecting me, not hurting me. You were my favorite Uncle and I was 11. I was only an 11 year old little girl who loved spending the summers with you. you promised my momma you would make sure nothing happened to me, all the while not knowing you were the only one i really needed protection from. And all because I fell asleep on the couch watching a cartoon movie on HBO. I can remember it just like it was yesterday. I am 32 years old now and i still wake up every other night from nightmares of what you did to me. I hated you. Ive hated you since that summer. I blamed myself for what you did to me for years. All because I kept going back to your house, even though we both knew what was in store for me when i did. Why? Why did i continue to go when i knew what was going to happen? because, I had a little sister and brother who i refused to let come be tortured by you. I made sure that what you were doing to me would never happen to them. They couldnt understand then, and frankly, I didnt fully understand myself. How could I? I was an innocent child. But you stole that innocence didnt you. I did what you said and i didnt tell anyone. i went through hell ALONE until i was finally 18 years old, when i decided to finally tell momma and that way if she didnt believe me, I could move out and not worry about it. She didnt make me move out, but do you know what she did do? She invited you 4 weeks later to our house for Thanksgiving. I hated her for that too, even though i knew she only did it because it was Grandmas last thanksgiving and she wanted you there. She wouldnt have if she had known what you did to her granddaughter.i never wanted to have children because of you. And then I did have children. And i have been scared every day of my life that someone like you, someone they trust, will hurt them, so Ive kept them away from you and that whole family. I have spent all these years hating you, and suffering in silence, until I just woke up one day and realized, I DONT HATE YOU. and I FORGIVE YOU. Not because you deserve it, because heaven and hell both know you dont ever deserve my forgiveness. I forgive you because I deserve it. I deserve to be completely free of the hold that all these years later you still had over me. everyday that i feared and hated you, you were still in control. But you arent in control anymore. I am! You may have taken my Innocence as an 11 year old little girl, But You will never take my future or ny dreams again.