CHOOSE FAILURE
In the past, I lived my life lying to create the illusion that fit in with my family. I believed that it was my purpose to protect their social status by being succesful. All i saw was This "box" i was born and raised to fit into was constructed of unrealistic expectations to be the daughter my parents wanted. I just always fell short i guess because I could ever see was a prison full of forced religious views and judgement. The path was so clear to everyone but me. Before the pills, before the heroin everything pure and routine for others was forced and painful for me. Always anxious, constant need to make my father proud or to be a light in my mother's holy life. An impossible task proven after I left home to earn what in my mind was the highest honor, being a US Marine, my parents made comments referring to my ARMY service and when I corrected them in pride I was quickly put back in my place, their actual comments included "i guess if you can do it anyone can" or my mothers ignorant "ARMY, Marines, it's all the same." So to avoid obligating my family to be my family,after 4 years active duty I chose to seek civilian employment still far away from their expectations; their box i seemed to be so unworthy to fit myself into no matter how many years I devoted to changing and then just pretending. I got a BA, I worked hard and made a decent living far from home in North Dakota during the oil boom. After the work started to dry up I cut my losses and moved to PA with a job offer and intentions of learning that job, and I did..in fact i excelled at it....but eventually found friends I understood. These friends were mainly criminals, local junkies. As an awkward and unapproachable introvert, these misunderstood people overwhelmed me with belonging. I was so open to having personal relationships with other humans, naively opening my door to a couple, but the 2 homeless addicts I only saw as friends. I was envious of their free spirits and the resourcefulness they put Into getting their high every day, the work they put into not working. On my paydays I started helping their drug fund and this was how i was introduced to this dirty lifestyle so many look down on. This lifestyle that ruins lives and tears apart families. This lifestyle I could understand. I can accept all the dirty truths that come along with it. I can accept the scams and the withdrawals that come on days where making money seems impossible. I can accept failure, what I can no longer accept is the lies I told myself, the masks I wore, the accomplishments that never made a difference, all the time wasted living the way others expected. I now find the most relief in loneliness. I find comfort knowing all the ones I Love so much have since moved on, I don't cross their minds but find relief in knowing the more they hate what I am the less my life in any state can disappoint them. I guess I was a junkie all along and I'll be content when I die a failure. Understand It's been my only joy living a life where i dont have to pretend i belong. My existance is so insignificant and its perfect for me, not having people depend on my success. My worst highs were still better than my best days spent looking for purpose.
