Jessica Smith
Stories (2)
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What I Never Expected.
Everyone enters motherhood with an idealization of the perfect child; to be memorable, to be extraordinary, to change the world. From the minute you find out you’re expecting, to holding that precious life in your hands for the first time, everything about life changes. Your hopes, dreams, and aspirations transform before your eyes. What no one tells you is sometimes life isn’t that simple and that couldn’t be truer. Every day I wish for my child to be like the rest: typical and nothing more. But sometimes life is just not what you expected.
By Jessica Smith4 years ago in Families
My Hard Love
They say you will have only 3 true loves in your life. Each person playing a specific role in molding who you are. There's the love that looks right, the hard love, and finally the love that lasts. And you, you were my hard love. Maybe it was the way your eyes gleamed like a million burning suns, maybe it was the way your smile made my heart pound like the hooves of a thousand horses, or maybe... just maybe it was simply you. The you I saw was blinding, the you I saw cloaked me from the demons and shined light through the dark crevasses I called home. All my fears, all my doubts, and all my pain vanished as if it were a mere shimmer in a starlit night. Upon entering my life, promises of protection and love dripped ever so gracefully from your lips. You drew me in with your warm embrace. Slowly believing that you were my savior. You showed me your deepest wounds and in turn, I told you my darkest secrets. I was addicted. Your presence, your company, your words. I trusted you and life itself. A feeling so vast to me I could hardly recognize what it truly was. I let you into my heart by allowing you to hold my hand. Not realizing slowly you were becoming my life. You always knew just what to say didn't you. You always knew how to take hold of my heart and completely and effortlessly paralyze me. To me, you were my person. You were the missing link I thought vanished forever. You were the light that illuminated a heart that I was sure was forever dark. Waiting patiently for our happily ever after. Much to my dismay lay hidden the begging of the end and the release of the truth. Everyone always told me "can't you see what he's doing to you, he's no good" but I was trapped in my vision of you. The good you. The kind, loving and caring man who could not harm. The same man who tore my heart from my chest, watched as it shattered like glass into a thousand little pieces and left me with nothing, but my bare hands to clean the mess. Who watched as I frantically tried to pick up every last piece, cutting open every wound you swore to keep shut, turned and walked away. I was standing admits a sea of maybes drowning in my thoughts. Questioning everything about who I am. I know I alone am to blame for this, even though hearing the forecast of the impending storm I kept swimming. But the mistake that will forever reign on my heavy heart was believing you were my lifeguard. Was it I was good for your ego. Or maybe you liked knowing I was just a phone call away regardless of the scenario. Maybe even you liked seeing someone starving for your love and thirsting for your attention. This boundless journey of loving you was far from easy. I gave up the speck of self-respect I had left because you were too stubborn to let go. I thought you were supposed to love me, be the one to bring out the best of me. Most of all I thought you were my forever person. I fought for you. Every person who made bad on your name I shut out. My friends slowly drifted as I fell deeper and deeper into your grasps and plummeted harder and harder for the man I so desperately wanted you to be. To say it was all your fault would be a lie, the kind that burns a hole in my tongue, thus I won't. To say I hate you would only ease the pain ever so slightly, but still a lie. So all I can bear to say is I hate you for what you did to me. I was far from perfect. We weren't perfect. But my love was. I wronged you by leaving and coming back countless times. I wronged you by trying to love others only to see it collapse before my eyes. But You chose drugs over me more times than I have fingers and toes. You used my body whenever you sought fit, even when I did not. Most of all you made me question everything about who I was, am, and wanted to be. And maybe that's why I wronged you. Maybe that's what made me unsure of everything I thought you were. Every night I lay awake, tears flooding down my face trying ever so hard to figure out what went wrong. I will never stop blaming myself for everything. I scream, and I shout begging for answers. Answers to know why I wasn't good enough for you. I cry out your name so loud it pierces my ears, but as always you are nowhere to be found. I loved you! More than I ever thought possible. I still do to this day. But I no longer know what to do. I no longer know who I am or my place in this world. All I know is I remain yours until the last breath of air leaves my soul. And that bears weight on my heavy heart every breathing moment. But I will prevail. I will rise through the ashes that you so easily burnt to the ground. I will shine once again and this time when I let my walls come crashing down, I know my safety net will be there. For I am enough. I was always enough. You were trapped in an endless cycle, that I learned to call home. But my vision of home was blinded and tarnished by many before. If you've taught me anything, home is not a place nor a person, it's a feeling. A feeling that I, and I alone control. Through all the strife I will never wish harm on you. I have tried with every ounce of strength left in me to hate you. But I simply cannot. With love once so pure how do you bring yourself to hate. In a perfect world it might be so simple unfortunately it's far from that. As much as it pains and tears at what's left of me I wish you well. I hope you find your forever person and never feel the pain in which you inflicted upon me. An open wound in which will never heal. Our love ignited like a million suns burning brightly and just as fast reduced to ash.
By Jessica Smith4 years ago in Humans
