Jess Mason

Yellow and Whites

She believed one of those little yellow and whites would change the tide for her as well her generations to come. If only she could win. If only those five white balls would descend with the right red one coming after. She would squirrel away single tips, change in a little mason jar, and would pick up every lost coin she stumbled upon. Because who knew? It only took a few dollars to change her story. She would buy from the grocery store, from the little convenient store on the corner, and even an app when only download guaranteed two free tickets. Right when she was on the precipice of giving up, of ridding herself of this silly dream, of this silly hope, she would hit. $2 here. $4 there. Once a $20 ticket yielded $17. A score that would drag her back down into the thick of it. She convinced herself it was innocent. Just a few bucks here, just a few bucks there. She didn’t smoke, she gave up drinking, so why couldn’t she have this one vice? One was normal and two were a problem, right? And if she won, it would all be worth it. An investment. Yes, an investment. But every loss stung. It felt as if though God, if there was one was disappointed as hell and Satan was dancing all around her. Or perhaps the other way around. Through the insistence of innocence, she could not quite shake off that damned burning sensation that would creep up her neck as she shoved those dollars into the machine, as she could not quite make eye contact with the gas station clerk every time she asked for her fix. That creeping shame to it all that she would chase away as she stuffed those small, square papers into her pocket. Yet, it always came back. All in time.