The day after Alice’s sending, I slept a lot. I woke up late in the evening, my body sore, and stiff and my eyes hurt after crying so much the two days before. It was hard to believe that she’d been gone for two days now. I looked at her Amaranth, which was wrapped in a light blue piece of cloth... her handkerchief that she carried in her pocket. I could still smell the lavender that was always in the pocket with it.

 When the smell of lavender hit me, I felt the grief well up within my soul and rip me apart again, and I heard gut-wrenching sobs fill my room. The feeling was tearing me apart, and physical pain ripped through my chest. I gasped for air and sat up clutching my chest with shaking hands. Leon walked into the room at that moment.

 “Yuzuki, are you awa-?” Leon’s eyes found my face. I could imagine how awful it looked after days of crying, and tears and snot running down my face now. He hurried to me, and sat on the bed, wrapping his arms around me. “Hey...” He said softly as he pulled me in. I couldn’t help the sobs that wouldn’t stop or the pain that racked my body, so I just clung to him until I cried myself to sleep again.

I don’t know how long I slept again, but when my eyes fluttered open, it was dark outside the window, but I could see light filtering into my room from the hall of my small abode. Normally, I would have grabbed Estrakulius and barged out there to see who was invading my space, but this time I just lay there and listened. 

 “How long haz she been sleepin’?” Nakita’s voice asked softly, and I heard Leon sigh before he answered.

“She woke up once yesterday... it wasn’t pretty. CiCi has summoned me, but I didn’t want to leave her alone. I know that with you girls, she’s okay at least,"

 “We got ‘er honey, you do what you need to do. I sent Elliott to grab Malakaii too. He’s in a lot of pain too, and I think Yoozoo and him need to be close to each other, ya know? Alice was his ward for several years, and I think he loved her like she was his grandchild or own daughter.” Kora’s voice answered in a hushed tone. 

 “Good idea, I’ll be back as soon as I can. Thank you so much for coming.” Leon answered, and this time it was Rachel who spoke up.

 “Yuzuki is our friend. You love her differently than us, but you don’t love her more.” She said sternly and I could hear a weak but relieved laugh from Leon. “We’ve got this. Go on. Try not to worry.” It was a moment later I heard my front door open and close. 

 “Should we go in there?” I heard Kora whisper after a moment of awkward silence from them, and I found myself feeling intrusive amusement. I didn’t blame them for not knowing how to handle me. I didn’t know if I wanted them to come into the room or not. I closed my eyes and prayed to go back to sleep as the amusement faded and nothing but the crushing grief consumed me again. I felt warm tears starting to form and my eyes burned in screaming protest. 

 “Our friend isn’t used to being human. I know that sounds terrible, and I know she’s always been human. But think about her past. She hasn’t told us much of her childhood, but from what she has told us, it doesn’t sound like Yuzuki received lessons with love and support... and I don’t think she’s ever felt this level of loss before. When her family died, she died. She didn’t even have time to process her loss before she was Transcended here and thrown into the planar military. I think... I think we should go in there,” Rachel told them softly.

I didn’t enjoy being analyzed or judged for my past, but Rachel was correct. This was the first time I had ever felt grief like this. And while I loved my mother, brother, and sister, it was a distant and formal feeling. With Alice, the feeling of warmth and joy she made me feel was unfettered and unchained. And the loss of her was just as intense as the strange love I had for her. 

I heard my door open, and an old weathered voice reached my ears, and strangely, I felt a small sense of comfort in hearing it. 

 “Well, where’s our girl?” Malakaii asked with a gruff informality, and I didn’t hear a response, but slow footfalls accented by the sound of a walking stick coming toward me. I watched his frame fill the door of my dark room, and the sound of him sighting. “Yuzuki. I’m turning on the light.”

The warm glow of the energy lanterns in my room illuminated in a softer setting. I unfurled stiffly from the small ball I was in and fought my way from under the blankets that had swallowed me, looking up at the people in my bedroom doorway. Malakaii was in front, but I could see Kora, Rachel, and Nakita standing behind him, peering around him with worried looks on their faces. 

“I didn’t know Leon had called you guys. Sorry about this. You really don’t have to be here.” I said to them. My voice sounded strange and raspy. The first words I had spoken since the sending other than wails of grief or sorrow.

“Hush, child,” Malakaii said softly, before making his way to my bed and sitting on the edge. His blue eyes caught sight of Alice’s Amaranth on the side table, wrapped in her blue handkerchief. For a brief moment, he stared at it, before turning his eyes to me. “I never thought I’d have to say goodbye to her. I never even fathomed that could happen.” He said, his gnarled hand reaching out and wrapping around mine. “I don’t know how I am supposed to ever go home, knowing she won’t be there to fill my walls with her laughter.” When he turned to me, there were tears in his eyes that matched my own that were threatening to fall down my cheeks. “Though, she would be terribly upset if she had ever seen us this sad. Over anything, including her,” Malakaii turned and looked into my eyes now.

 I could see his leathery skin looked a little more gray, a little more sallow. There were dark circles around his usually mischievous blue eyes. Malakaii had always been undeniably ancient, but today he looked old, rather than wizened, his hand on mine was strong, and holding onto me with a fierce tight grip, as if he was barely holding himself together too. I felt my bottom lip tremble as the tears finally slipped from my eyes and a broken sob broke free from me.

“I’m so sorry Malakaii. I’m so sorry...” I whispered as guilt battered me now. It was my fault she was gone. I failed to protect her - and she had gotten in the way to protect me. I used my free hand to clutch my pounding head. “It’s all my fault. I loved her so much but I fucking FAILED! I failed to save her! And I’m sorry. If you hate me, you don’t have to pretend you don’t. It’s my fault!” I let the sobs rip from me, and I barely noticed that Kora, Nakita, and Rachel had all come to the bed, and climbed onto it, sitting around me. Nakita had her hand on my leg, while Kora and Rachel intrusively climbed up beside and behind me, both of them wrapping their arms around my torso. 

For what seemed like an hour, we all sat quietly and cried together. Rachel and Kora held me together, and I could hear their quiet sniffles as they held onto me, and Nakita would reach up and wipe her eyes with her fingertips. And even Malakaii broke down, and his thin, fragile-looking body shook with the force of his grief. After a while, we all stopped and just sat there in silence together, my body going weak against my friends. 

After a moment in this tedious silence, the heavy atmosphere was broken by Malakaii finally releasing my hand, only to go up to my face and tuck under my chin to force me to look at him. 

“My dear child. Alice was my ward. She was like my own daughter... or granddaughter. She brought me joy. And you, my darling, brought her joy. And you bring me joy. I could never hate you. You did not fail to protect her. She chose to protect you - she died shielding you from an attack she saw coming. She knew what would happen. She was young but she was smart, and she knew. She loved you enough to save you. I think she also knew you are important to what is coming too. She chose this. And I do not doubt in my mind that Alice’s soul is somewhere almost as beautiful as she is now. She is where she should be. I could never hate you, the person that Alice loved more than herself. The person that Alice wanted to live and keep safe. It’s my job to take care of you now. That is what her sacrifice tells me. She doesn’t need me anymore. But you do. And I am here. And believe it or not Yuzuki... I love you. Everyone here loves you. So this wasn’t your fault. But it was what was to come. I will grieve. And then I will move forward by your side, just like Alice would want.”

 His voice was stern, husky, and gravelly with the crying that we had all just done. I listened to him, and I could not tell if my heart was breaking at his words, or mending. When his hand dropped back down to his side, I held my chest and winced at the pain, my body still heaving and hiccupping from crying as hard as I physically could. 

 “Do feelings usually cause physical pain? Or is there something wrong with me?” I finally asked, and Kora, despite the tears staining her face let out a little laugh.

 “Oh honey, there’s nothing wrong with you. Feelings are merciless, and they can cause all kinds of stress on your body. If you ain’t used to feelin’ the feelings and copin’, then yes honey, it can hurt. And that’s okay. It’s normal. I didn’t get to spend a lot of time with Alice, but the few times I did... she was special. I am torn up about her, but I can’t imagine what you and Malakaii are feeling. Your heart is broken and that hurts honey,” She looked at me, and I could feel her hand warm on my back as she gently rubbed my spine. 

“Now what, though? Will I feel like this forever?” I asked, looking down. “I don’t think I can fight... or function. It’s hard to even breathe. And every heartbeat is painful. Is there any kind of healing that can help me?” I was desperate, and looking at the group around me. I knew the answer by their faces before they said anything.

“Time. Time is the only true medicine for a wound like this,” Malakaii said simply, and Rachel nodded in agreement. 

“Well, what would help with it, Yuzuki?” Nakita finally spoke up. “What is something that would make you feel better?”

 I looked at her for a moment, not sure how to feel about that question. Was there anything that could make me feel better? My eyes went to the amaranth beside the bed, wrapped in a pretty baby blue cloth, and I reached over and gently picked it up. 

 “I want to make a proper shrine for her amaranth in the sitting room,” I said, my voice sounding dull and stupid to my own ears. 

 “We can do that. We can help,” Rachel said, looking at the amaranth in my arms, and I nodded.

“We can do that this instant, bring Alice here,” Malakaii said, using his staff to stand up to walk out of the room. Kora and Rachel detangled themselves from the protective hug they had formed around me, and Nakita reached down to help me stand. 

I walked with Alice’s amaranth carefully, as I felt unsteady and weak. Nakita said nothing, but as I walked down the hallway she stayed beside me, one of her long arms around my waist to keep me steady. We entered the sitting room, and Kora was proudly standing by a piece of furniture that had class cupboards at the top with two shelves, and drawers on the bottom half. 

“Look! There’s nothing in the China cabinet! We can use this for Alice, don’t you think? Make it pretty?” She gestured to it. She was talking slower than usual, and her smile wasn’t as wide as it usually was. Her eyes were pink-rimmed and swollen from crying. I looked at Nakita beside me and noticed her hazel eyes were bloodshot, and Rachel looked no better than either of them. That pit of deep loneliness that the loss of Alice had caused suddenly felt a little smaller. When I nodded my approval, Malakaii cleared his throat, and used his staff to point to it.

“Go ahead, and stick her in there and shut the doors. Then I want you to touch the cabinet, close your eyes, and think about how you want it to look. Leave the rest to me after that,” he instructed and I looked at the girls curiously. Rachel smiled eagerly and nodded, while Kora and Nakita looked at each other cluelessly. 

“I crossed the room and did as Malakaii instructed me, placing the beautiful blue and pink flower that was entombed in crystal from Okard’s blessing within the glass cabinet, and closing it. I laid my hands on the glass and closed my eyes, thinking about the traditional home shrines from my homeland, in the land of the living. 

 I pictured a simple mitamaya, which means ‘soul house’, and those who practice the religion of Shinto in Japan have them for the dead in their homes. Unlike a kamidama, which is meant to house a spirit, I just wanted a place to honor Alice. A cupboard, with doors to close it when needed, a shelf to hold the tamashiro (stone tablet) with her name on it to sit next to her amaranth. 

I felt something warm touch between my shoulder blades. It accumulated as I thought about the little shrine I wanted for my little friend’s memory, and eventually, it spread from my shoulders down through my arms and hands, transferring to the cabinet I was touching. 

“Oh wow!” I heard Kora say in a breathy voice, followed by Rachel and Nakita muttering in shock along with her. I opened my eyes and stepped back, as shock traveled through me, my eyes staring at exactly what I wanted. A beautiful dark wood cabinet stood attached to the wall. Gone were the glass doors, and instead in their place simple brown shuttered doors sat. They were open to reveal a shelf that had a tiny vase carved straight into the shelf that now housed Alice’s amaranth, along with a grey stone tablet that read: Alice Emberstaff. There was a grey stone bowl that held river rocks now in front of them, and I made a note to get incense for them somehow. 

But attached to the walls next to the cabinet on either side were flowerbeds. In one, chamomile flowers were in full blossom, and in the other, lavender. I looked at them, then turned to Malakaii. He smiled at me and nodded at me. 

 “I added a personal touch. One I think Alice would like. They were her favorites.” It was a long time before I was able to speak. 

“Thank you,” I said, and Malakaii nodded, before sitting down on a chair in the corner with a small groan. 

“It’s perfect,” Rachel said while Kora nodded.

 “It is perfect for ze little one. Does it help, Yuzuki?” Nakita asked, putting one of her hands on my shoulders and I looked up at her, nodding

 “It does. I don’t know why, but it does,” I answered. 

“Good. Now for step two,” She said, and she went to her bag that I assumed she had put on the table in the middle of the room when she first got her. She opened it, and first, she pulled out six wooden cups. The last one she held up, looking at me. “For Leon, when he comes,” she explained, as she pulled out a bottle of thick brown liquid. 

“Oh, my. What is that Nikita?” Kora asked in an accusing voice as Rachel covered up what she must have felt was an inappropriate grin. “It’s step two. Get drunk together. I asked around the barracks what helps people get over a hard loss. A lot o’ them said that getting drunk was a vital part of the recovery process. So I found some good quality hooch.” Nakita looked proud of herself, and I couldn’t help but suddenly laugh as a strange sense of pride flowed through me. 

“Nakita. You spoke to other humans for me?” I asked, and she glared at me reproachfully. 

“Yes. So dis better make you feel better.” She glowered, and I was joined this time in my laughter by Rachel, Kora, and Malakaii.

 “You can never go wrong with good hooch, Nakita, my girl.” Malakaii reached over and took one of the cups and poured himself a cup after Nakita poured two, and handed me one. Kora and Rachel helped themselves and Rachel held her cup up.

 “To Alice. The sweet flower that bloomed in all of our hearts.” She said, and this time the grief that hit me was mixed with a strange peace and happiness, as her smiling face filled my mind. 

“To Alice.” The rest of us chimed in. The bitter liquid was sweetened as I imagined her laugh and smile. The night carried on, and Leon returned to us shortly to find us all stupidly drunk. He joined us, and we all woke up the next day drunk- and our grief much lighter after our night of drunk processing. 

Memoirs of the In-Between Bonus Chapter - Grief, Love, And Healing

After Chapter 11 Before Chapter 12

The day after Alice’s sending, I slept a lot. I woke up late in the evening, my body sore, and stiff and my eyes hurt after crying so much the two days before. It was hard to believe that she’d been gone for two days now. I looked at her Amaranth, which was wrapped in a light blue piece of cloth... her handkerchief that she carried in her pocket. I could still smell the lavender that was always in the pocket with it.



Memoirs of the In-Between Bonus Chapter - Grief, Love, And Healing

After Chapter 11 Before Chapter 12

This is an Exclusive Story for supporters of Hope Martin

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Hope Martin

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Celestial Witness

Memoirs of the In-Between Bonus Chapter - Grief, Love, And Healing

After Chapter 11 Before Chapter 12

This is an Exclusive Story for supporters of .css-13w9qce-Text{display:inline-block;color:var(--text-accent);}Hope Martin

About the Creator

Hope Martin

Comments

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Keep reading

Celestial Witness

This is an Exclusive Story for supporters of Hope Martin