Come to me..... Content Warning.
I laid in my bed covered in shame, covered in pity, and just covered with the heaviness of life. My chest felt heavy, my mind racing and my limbs curled into a ball, while my hands covered my heart hoping they could soothe the pain away. I had been in this spot for a while. The sheets stuck to my body, accompanied by a faint stench that I cared nothing about. That was the last f my worries. I shriveled deeper into the bed when my body began to realize that I was waking up and being forced to experience the movements of life. The sun shined through the dark shades I hung to intentionally keep the light out and the sight of a well lit room just made me crumble in my heart and in my mind. How dare such a beautiful light shine into my ambiance of sorrow. Every time I opened my eyes, thoughts of my reality flooded my brain. Words of discouragement, and doubt, followed by the meanest of voices that questioned my decisions in life and the results that lead me to where I am now. I created my own torment, I was the aggressor, I was the enemy in me, and in that moment everything was my fault. Could you believe I was a mom feeling this way. A mom that's suppose to be cheerful and polite, a mom that's always emotionally available to her kids, but there I was. My kids stayed downstairs at this point they kind of understood that I was "resting". At this point my kids were used to those moments, especially the oldest, he could always tell. My kids were going back and forth from laughing to arguing and back again, and I just listened. Usually I would yell from my slumber, but this time their voices and laughter had peace to it. Apart of me felt joy from their laughter, but also felt hope. Something in me sparked, and I felt the twitch. I remember looking at my hands, then my legs and finally my surroundings, and boy was it a mess. My room was a depiction of my mind; trash all over, and junk in random places, but then there were the items that belonged there but were covered by the crap I let build up. I remember looking at my mess of a room, and wondering how I stayed there for so long. Didn't the clutter bother me, didn't I want a better environment then this? I had asked myself a question I had never asked before, and this question began the Journey that I am on now. The question was, "what would it look like with a healthier version of you, a version free from shame, free from trauma, and just the version of you that is free and at peace with yourself and your past." My subconscious immediately snapped back an yelled, I already forgave them, we are healed. My inner voice calmy replied, maybe it's time to let go and be free. Now as I say this don't think that I hear voices because I know we all have that good and bad angel on each shoulder, but rather than the two fighting in my head, I felt as if they came to an agreement. I asked myself a question that sparked a series of questions. It was like I had a epiphany in my pit of sorrow. In my darkness, light had found me. In my despair, hope came and sat down beside me. This moment felt as if God had, touched my shoulder and ordered me to let it all go. This moment changed the trajectory of my thoughts and eventually my life, although the process was extremely hard I began to understand the meaning of living a peaceful life. This moment began my journey to be a healthy and healed version of myself. it gave me the opportunity to not only hear my children's laughter, but to also experience laughter with them. In that moment I decided to change the direction of not only my situation but also my thoughts which created a journey like never before.
