Herbert Perez

Fear

Fear is front and center during these times of uncertainty as we go through a pandemic and social change. We don’t know what’s coming next and if we will be successful or not. The pandemic and dealing with social distance made me reflect and come to terms that fear has been controlling parts of my life and has been an enemy of mine for far too long. One of the most important parts of my life is having friends and loved ones which I am blessed with but there is something missing in my life. The part that I’ve been missing for quite some time is having that special someone in my life. The fear of being vulnerable and not being accepted or being worthy has led me to make quite a few mistakes during my life. I do recall when I was younger, I went out with an attractive co-worker her name was Paquita such a sweet and beautiful smile. We went out a couple of times and this one time we just kissed with so much passion in Grand Central Station that the cops came by eventually since our kissing was a bit steamy for the commuters. Afterwards I was thinking what is next how long will this relationship last and do I see myself with her for the long haul? I was overanalyzing out of fear and not just enjoying the moment. The possible relationship didn’t last since my fear of being vulnerable and what comes next put a stop to what could have been something beautiful. Many years later thanks to Facebook I see that she is happily married living in Japan while I am single and letting fear control me. There was another time back in college there was a girl I do remember her name was Lynesse with those gorgeous dimples, but my friend was also interested in her so I stepped aside even though she was clearly interested in me. I was afraid of telling my friend that she liked me so that he could go for her instead. Fear hasn’t only paralyzed me in finding other half but has also put a damper in other things as well. I had some call backs after taking some headshots after graduating from college and wanted to take a chance in maybe doing commercials. Fear once again proved to the winner as I decided to not call back or just tell them I wasn’t able to do it. The train of opportunities is about to leave for good and I’ll be stuck on the platform forever one of these days. When I did have relationship fear once again came popping out as I was paying for everything whenever we were going out and wasn’t able to tell her that money was tight and that maybe we should split the bill from time to time. Fear has been driving a wedge in my life for far too long. I guess that is the reason why I don’t drive even though I have a driver’s license for fear of being in a crash. Fear has been the fertilizer which has prevented from growing even further. I can’t and won’t let fear drive me anymore it’s been far too long that I have given into my fears and have stagnated my growth. I’m glad to say that fear hasn’t controlled everything in my life, and I have been improving and growing. I at one point thought it was impossible to do a marathon and have done 4 marathons. When I was out of work at one time, I ventured into doing some extra work which I admit was afraid but did it anyway and it was rewarding. Steps have been taken along the way but there are more steps for me to take in order to grow more.