When I learned Grief.
Learning what grief was from such a young age was hard to handle. I was so young and felt different forms of grief before I could even realize what was going on. I thought I knew what grief was. I thought I could deal with it. I was strong. I always had to be. I figured how could you grieve someone who doesn’t care about you, who doesn’t truly love you. I lost my grandfather at 5. I loved him. I may have actually been the only person to really love him. I was so young I didn’t understand the grieving process. I’d just sit and watch everyone in silence. I never acted out at home because I didn’t wanna get beat. I didn’t lose someone again who would tear my heart in to again for 11 years. At 16 I had a miscarriage with a baby I didn’t even know I was growing. It broke me. I already smoked weed all the time. Took pills to change how I felt. Why not wanna die to? I still don’t truly know how I get through it but I did. I think about that baby almost everyday. It hurts my heart but I know it was for the best with the situation we would’ve been in. It’d be another 9 years before my world crumbled again. I took my vacation from work and went 2 states away to visit family. My dad the man I had tried so absolutely hard to have a relationship with was hit and killed by a drunk driver. Now I think about him everyday but in a different way then I used to. I used to think of how hard I tried to get him to love me and how all it took was him watching me love my kids the way he should’ve. Now I think of him asking me to come on the trip and me being mad over something childish and saying no. Him leaving me a voicemail telling me he loves me 4 hours before he died. My heart hurts everyday now. I had another miscarriage a few months before he died and I think about it often. But loosing him has taken precedence over my mind. Three years went by and I lost many more people. Five more to be exact. But loosing my grandmother, his mom. It shook me to the core. She was my last piece of him. She was my last connection. Now their both gone and I feel alone ALOT more then I ever thought I would. Grief it’s a wild thing. I know this now. I know now that when I see someone grieving I just want to pray they find some peace and can heal a little. Grief hurts. It’s excruciating. I have decided I hate grief but I understand it’s necessary. I will pray for any and everyone who are also grieving to find a tiny bit of peace if even for a moment. I, myself haven’t really found much peace. But, I’m working on it. I feel like everyday after losing someone gets a tiny bit easier. I’ve never been one to tell someone it goes away. I’ve always just said “it gets easier to deal with”. Now here I am telling myself the same thing realizing, I sounded absurd telling anyone that. I sounded so insensitive. I hope that on this journey of writing I can learn so many new things and new ways to help the hurt I feel. I never wish anyone in this world would feel the pain my heart feels everyday.
